TODAY'S JOKES 9-9-03
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REMINDERS:
Fall Equinox Tue, Sep 23 - 14 days
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JOKES:
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First Convict: I heard the Warden's daughter up and married a guy down on
Cellblock D. The Warden's mighty upset about it too.
Second Convict: Why? Because she married a con?
First Convict: No. Because they eloped!
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A little old lady walks into a taxidermist shop carrying the dead bodies of her
pet male and female monkeys. She explains that they were her favorite pets and
she misses seeing them around the house. "Would you like to have them mounted?"
asks the taxidermist.
"Oh, no," she replies, "standing side by side will be just fine."
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New Marine Recruits walking along the road noticed a car stuck in a mud-filled
ditch. A dull Gunny Sergeant, identifiable by his 'Smokey the Bear' hat, was
attempting to free the vehicle by himself.
"Say, isn't that our drill instructor?" asked one of the group.
"Hey, it is," remarked another. "Think we should give him a hand?"
"Naw," replied the first Marine Newbie, "If he really wants his car out of that
ditch, he'll order it out."
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The instructor was demonstrating the wonders of static electricity to his class
at MIT.
While holding a plastic rod in one hand and a wool cloth in the other, he told
the class, "You can see that I get a large charge from rubbing my rod..."
That was pretty much the end of learning for that day.
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A guy from Kentucky was bragging to a guy from Texas. He said they had enough
gold in Fort Knox to build a wall six feet high around the entire State of
Texas. The guy from Texas thought about it for a minute and then replied, "tell
you what, you build that wall, and if we like it, we'll buy it."
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THE WONDER BRA
The success of the "Wonder Bra" for under-endowed women, has encouraged the
designers to come out with a bra for over-endowed women.
It's called the "Sheep Dog Bra."
It rounds them up and points them in the right direction.
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Consider the case of the hen that observed the undisciplined behavior of her
youngest chick with obvious disapproval.
"If your father could see you now," she cackled disgustedly, "He'd turn over in
his gravy."
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As he was driving home from work, a man in a rural community was stopped by a
local police officer. The motorist was given a ticket for failing to come to a
full stop at a stop sign.
"Don't I get a warning?" he protested.
The officer replied, "Sure. If you don't come to a complete stop next time,
you'll get another ticket."
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Mr. Jacobson decided to take a week off from the pressures of the office and
went skiing. Alas, no sooner did he reach the slopes than he heard an ominous
rumbling:
moments later a sheet of snow came crashing toward him.
Fortunately, Mr. Jacobson was able to jump into a cave just before the avalanche
hit. Just as fortunately, he had matches with him and was able to light a fire.
Hours later, when everyone but Mr.
Jacobson had returned, a rescue team was sent to search for him. After several
hours they saw smoke curling from the cave and went to investigate. Poking his
head into the entrance, one of the rescuers yelled, "Mr. Jacobson, are you
there? It's the Red Cross."
Bristling, the harried executive called back, "Get lost. I gave at the office!"
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A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball
into a clump of trees. He found his ball, and saw an opening between two trees
he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty
swing; the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed
him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St.
Peter saw him coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer?"
The man replied, "Got here in two, didn't I?"
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"Ignorance of the law does not prevent the losing lawyer from collecting his
bill."
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Little Johnny was walking along the railroad tracks when suddenly he got his
foot caught under one of the railroad ties. He tried to get it out but it was
really stuck. As he struggled to free his foot, he heard a noise and turned
around.
To his horror he saw a train coming.
Panicked he started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks and
I'll stop being bad!"
Nothing happened, his foot was still stuck.
He looked up to see the train getting closer! He prayed again, "God, please get
my foot out and I'll stop swearing AND being bad!"
Still nothing his foot was wedged tight.
The train was just seconds away! Little Johnny struggled frantically as the
train's horn blared.
He tried his plea one more time, "God, please, if you get my foot out of the
tracks, I'll quit being bad, I'll stop swearing, AND I'll stop trying to look up
little Mary's dress."
Just as the train was about to hit Johnny, his foot broke free and he fell
backwards, the train narrowly missing him. He got up, dusted himself off, looked
toward Heaven and said, "Thanks anyway God, I got it myself..."
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The media is all over the Oui interview that Arnold Schwarzenegger did 25 years
ago. Now, he's admitted he smoked pot, had group sex and didn't mind dating a
girl that was out of shape and kind of fat if she satisfied him sexually. So,
his handlers have stopped comparing him to Reagan and started comparing him to
Clinton. (Bill Maher)
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A Scotsman, carrying a huge suitcase, has been riding a London bus for five
miles along its route, all the while attempting to avoid the ticket collector.
Finally, the conductor manages to corner him and tells him to pay up.
"You've been on for five miles--that'll be
50p, please, and 10p for your suitcase."
The Scotsman responds, "I ha'not, I want a ha'penny fare, just got on this vera
moment."
They begin to argue, and the ticket collector becomes more and more enraged, and
finally, as the bus is passing over London bridge, he grabs the Scotsman's
suitcase and hurls it out of the bus. It lands in the river and sinks without a
trace.
The Scotsman stands shocked for a moment and says to the ticket collector, "Not
only are ye tryin' to overcharge me for the ticket-
-but now ye've gone an' drowned me boy Angus!"
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They were giggling and making fun of how fat the man was. After five minutes of
this the man turned to the boys and asked them politely to stop, as he couldn't
help his weight problem.
With this the boys aske, "Oh, and why are you so fat, Mister?"
The Man turned around and replied, "Well, every time I screwed your mother, she
gave me a cookie."
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A priest, scientist, an astronaut and a plumber were playing golf one day. To
kill the time they started a conversation on natural occurrences. They chose to
debate about wind.
The scientist said that winds were the result of thermal convection. The
astronaut said that they were made by the planet's rotation. The priest said
that storms were God's way of cleansing the earth. The plumber said that he only
knew that the wind always blew when he played golf.
They played through 17 holes, arguing furiously. Just as they teed up at the
18th, everything became calm.
Amazingly, a giant hand came down through the clouds just inches above their
heads. The astronaut and the scientist didn't see it because they didn't believe
in the supernatural. The priest knelt down and prayed in fear. Only the plumber
stood up.
Suddenly a voice boomed down, "If you want the answer, pull my finger!" The
plumber did, and a mighty wind blew.
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Doug went to the doctor today for a small problem. He was unable to straighten
out his fingers for a while and thought he should check into it. Well his doctor
being the progressive type gave him a script for a low dosage of Viagra to see
if that might help with problem... and it sure did! His fingers are now
straighter than they have ever been.
But the side effect is killing him.
Now that he can't curl his fingers, he can't get any satisfaction at all.
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The call girl confided to her friend, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to stop
going to my psychiatrist."
"But why? Isn't Dr. Greene helping you?"
"Yes, a lot," the call girl agreed. "Problem is, I just can't get used to lying
down for a guy and then having then having to pay HIM."
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GREAT Tuesday!
Chuck .......and the Computer
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