TODAY'S JOKES 9-8-03
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REMINDERS:
Fall Equinox Tue, Sep 23 - 15 days
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JOKES:
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Why do people sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" when they're already there?
Why do people say "tuna fish?" They don't say "beef mammal"
or "chicken bird".
Life is sexually transmitted.
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
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FIRST GRADER:
I'm not going back to school tomorrow!
MOTHER:
Why not?
FIRST GRADER:
Well I've been there a whole day, I can't read, I can't write and they won't let
me talk, so what's the use?
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Patrick was spotted driving along the highway, at a steady speed, when he
suddenly indicated right and pulled off onto the shoulder.
He quickly jumped out of the car and opened the trunk. From a large bag, he
produced a party hat, streamers, a bottle of lemonade, sandwiches and a cake.
After eating the food and drinking the lemonade, he launched into a little Irish
jig. The whole proceedings lasted about fifteen minutes, after which he got back
in his car and drove off.
Curious, the police followed him at a distance and half an hour later, they saw
him stop and repeat the whole procedure. This was too much for the officers, so
they decided to check him out.
"Can we ask you the reason for all the stops and the food, drink and Irish
jigs?" one of the officers asked.
"Well, sir," explained Patrick, "I'm on the company's outing."
"But you're the only one here," argued the officer.
"Yes, I know," replied Patrick. "I'm self-employed!"
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From my church's bulletin:
"A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one
of our members in honor of his wife."
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MOTHER:
How do you like your new teacher?
SON:
I don't. She told me to sit in the front of the classroom for the present and
then she didn't give me one!
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Why do women fart less than men?
Because they won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
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There was a woman walking to the store and she passed the nursing home. She saw
6 naked old ladies lying on the front lawn. She thought it odd but continued to
the store.
On her way back, she saw the same 6 ladies naked lying on the lawn. Her
curiosity got the best of her so she went inside to speak to the manager. She
asked him why there were 6 naked old ladies lying on the front lawn. He said
"Well you see mam, they are retired prostitutes and today they are having a yard
sale."
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TOP FIVE ADVANTAGES TO BEING HOME-SCHOOLED:
5. Get to watch TV during recess.
4. Get to wear jammies all day.
3. No banging chalk dust from erasers.
2. 'Teacher' constantly interrupted by telemarketers.
And the number one advantage to being home schooled:
1. No toting heavy backpack all the way to school!
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"Let's stop underage drinking before it starts." Please explain this to me. It
sound tricky.
You rarely meet a wino with a perfect pitch.
Working-class people "look for work."
Middle-class people "try to get a job." Upper-middle-class people "seek
employment."
~~George Carlin
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This is a true story. It actually happened today to two women of my acquaintence.
I will call them Jane and Jill to camouflage their true identities. Jane had
just gotten the local phone company to activate a conference-calling feature on
her phone, but she didn’t know how it worked. She had been involved in several
three-way conference calls with her friend Jill and me, all of which had been
initiated by Jill. So Jane called up Jill and asked, “How does this three-way
thing work?” Jill told her, “You have one man in your front, one man in your
back door, and the third one goes in your mouth.”
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A woman who plays cards one night a month with a group of friends was concerned
that she always woke up her husband when she came home around 11:30.
One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room
and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom - only to find her husband
sitting up in bed reading.
"Dammit woman!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose everything?"
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After a long day of listening to a Texan brag, a New Yorker decided to show the
Texan the Empire State Building.
When the Texan put down New York's well-known landmark by saying "Heck, that's
nothing. In Texas, we have outhouses bigger than that!"
The New Yorker responded, "You need them!"
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Called up in the draft, Jeff and Joe had no desired to serve in the army. Thus
they had all their teeth pulled, aware that the military wouldn’t take them if
they were toothless.
Showing up for their exam, they were lined up along with a husky man.
When Jeff stepped up to the doctor, the physician said, “anything wrong with
you?” “Yes sir,” Jeff replied, “I have no teeth.” Pushing his fingers into
Jeff’s mouth, the doctor felt around.
“Right”, he said, “you’re 4F.” The doctor called over the big guy next.
“Anything wrong with you?” “Yeah,” he said, “I got piles.” Reaching around, the
doctor pushed his fingers into the man’s anus. “You sure do, you’re 4F.” Joe was
summoned. “Anything wrong with you?” “Not a thing,” Joe replied.
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A young minister, in his first days at his first parish, is obliged to conduct
the funeral services for an eccentric man who has just died. At the funeral
home, he stands before the open casket and tries to think of words to console
the widow.
Finally, the minister says, "I know this must be a very hard blow, Mrs. Jones.
But we must remember that what we see here is only the husk, the shell. The nut
has gone to heaven."
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Recently a young woman came into my father's insurance office with her newborn
twins. Dad asked her if she ever had any trouble telling them apart.
She gave him a funny look before responding, "No, I haven't had any problem.
This is Benjamin, and this is Elizabeth."
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My wife and I were in a church service.
There was an older gentleman in the audience near the front who would
periodically interject a "Praise God" or "Amen, brother."
During the sermon, the pastor began speaking about Solomon and mentioned his 700
wives and concubines when the old man said, "Lord have mercy."
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"My, but you look different today Claudia,"
commented Rene to her coworker.
"Your hair is extra curly, and you have this wide-eyed look.
What did you use - special curlers and some dramatic eye makeup?"
"No!" replied Claudia. "My vibrator shorted out this morning."
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GREAT Monday!
Chuck .....and the Computer
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