TODAY'S JOKES 9-5-03
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REMINDERS:
Grandparents' Day Sun, Sep 07 - 2 days
Fall Equinox Tue, Sep 23 - 18 days
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JOKES:
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A young boy knows about sex and where babies come from because his mother told
him that "The man puts his penis inside the woman and she gets pregnant."
A few days later, after pondering this for some time, the boy asks in all the
innocence and wonder of a child, "Does the man ever get his penis back??"
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Tired of having to balance his wife Cindy's checkbook, Mike made a deal with
her; he would only look at it after she had spent a few hours trying to wrestle
it into shape.
Only then would he lend his expertise. The following night, after spending hours
poring over stubs and figures, Cindy said proudly, "There! I've done it! I made
it balance!" Impressed, Mike came over to take a look. "Let's see...mortgage
550.00, electricity 70.50, phone
35.00." His brow wrinkled as he read the last entry. "It says here ESP, 615.00.
What the heck is that?"
"Oh," she said, "That means, Error Some Place!!!"
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Melvin from Texas A & M was playing football very badly.
He tried to kick a goal and missed. Finally, He threw himself down on the bench
and said in disgust, "Boy, I could just kick myself."
The coach looked the other way. "Don't bother," he said, "you'd probably miss."
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One night, a few co-workers at a computer data center stayed late and all
started to get hungry. They decided to order in food by phone, but the boss
thought that, since they work with computers, it would be more appropriate to
order by Internet. After the workers contacted a fast food chain's web site and
spent a long time registering as new customers for the delivery service, a
message appeared on the screen:
"Thank you for your business. You will be able to order food in three days."
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As a little girl, I remember seeing this sign posted above my maternal
grandmother's toilet:
If you sprinkle when you tinkle, Please be neat and lift the seat.
We aim to please, YOU aim too, please!
(If only this was posted in public bathrooms!)
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Today's useless fact - Why do men have Adam's apples?
Actually, both men and women have Adam's apples. In medical terms, the Adam's
apple is called a thyroid cartilage. The reason a man's Adam's apple is larger
than a woman's is because his larynx is larger to accommodate his longer vocal
cords. (By the way, it is men's longer vocal cords that give them deeper
voices.) A second reason, which female readers may not enjoy reading, is because
women have more fat in their necks, which hides the Adam's apple.
The name, Adam's apple, is taken from the Biblical story of Adam and Eve. As the
story goes, a piece of the apple that Eve had given Adam to eat became lodged in
his throat. From then on, Adam and all his male descendants had an enlarged
larynx as a symbol of Adam's shame.
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Advertising sure brings quick results--last week I advertised for a night
watchman--the same night my safe was robbed.
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One day during Christmas in 1955, President Harry Truman was dismayed to
discover his wife Bess at the fireplace, destroying many of the letters which he
had written to her over the years. "But think of history!" he cried. His wife's
reply?: "I have!"
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The Northeast recovers from last Thursday's blackout. New York City's halted
subway system caused problems for many commuters.
For a few days, they had to find alternative places to pee.
(Alan Ray)
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So far, Canada is blaming the United States for the blackout, and the United
States is blaming Canada. Not surprisingly, President Bush is blaming France
(Conan O'Brien)
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A neighbor of Abraham Lincoln's saw him carrying two of his sons, one under each
arm. The little boys were crying. The neighbor asked Lincoln what was wrong. He
replied "Just what's the matter with the whole world. I've got three walnuts,
and each wants two."
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Pick-Up Lines
Hi! I'm Mr. Right! I was told you were looking for me?
There you are! Where have you been?
You were supposed to be in my bed five minutes ago!
I'm here, you're here -- we already have something in common!
What's a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
Wanna swap microorganisms?
I don't want to kiss you -- I just want to tell your lips a secret!
Want to come over and meet my sheets?
I bet my tongue can beat up your tongue.
Are you busy tonight around 3am? Would you like to be?
I like your smile, but I'd probably rather see you scream.
Two trains are leaving their stations at the same time. Both need to travel 1000
miles. If Train A is going 95 miles an hour, and Train B is going 85 miles an
hour, how long will it take for you to go out with me?
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Attention Bridge Buyers:
The most respected name in bridge sale is about to present an offer that no self
respecting bridge collector can ignore. The Bradley Bridge Exchange is proud to
introduce the Commemorative Bridge Series. Even if you have never collected
bridges before this unique investment opportunity should interest you.
The Bradley Bridge Exchange has been selling quality collectable bridges for
fifty years. Now through this once in a lifetime Internet offer, you can
purchase famous bridges.
Think about it, everyone needs bridges: to go to work, walk across, jump from,
get mugged under and to throw rocks from.
Not all bridges go up in value; the Bradley Bridge Exchange guarantees that your
own personalized bridge will retain its minimum value for at least one full
year.
The famous Golden Gate Bridge was originally offered through The Bradley Bridge
Exchange for a mere 35 dollars. In the 57 times it has since been re-sold, its
value has increased to an astounding
10 million dollars! No other legal investment could give that kind of return so
quickly.
Look at the fine craftsmanship of this early American George Washington Bridge:
Note the detail in the rust, the unique "yO maMa" mural which captures the
American dream and the fine cracked metal work in these steel supports. You will
not find any composites or reinforced concrete here.
1.Bridges are not owned by the city, state or country. Bridges are owned by the
contractors that build them. They are then purchased by the Bradley Bridge
Exchange.
2.Top investors say that bridges are a solid investment with underlying liquid
assets.
3.In addition to the potential of increasing of the physical value, bridges can
actually generate income through the use of tolls.
4.Not only am I an owner of a bridge I am also a user!
5.Insurance is un-necessary. There has never been a theft of a major bridge in
the history of The Bradley Bridge Exchange.
6.Bridges also make useful homes for transients which will make you appear in
good standing in your community.
Act now while prices remain low. The Bradley Bridge Exchange will destroy all
bridge molds for the above mentioned Washington Bridge with in a period of 30
Days. The first 100 bridges sold will receive 25 toll free suicide hot line
signs at no additional cost.
All mailers will receive The Bradley Bridge Exchange's guide to purchasing
tunnels and national parks at no additional cost.
Please E-Mail us directly at BBE@cash.be.ours with your credit card number.
System operators are standing by.
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That's the jokes for today and for this week.
Have a GREAT weekend!!!!!
Chuck .....and the Computer
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