TODAY'S JOKES 9-4-03
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REMINDERS:
NFL - Regular Season Begins Thu, Sep 04 - 0 days
Grandparents' Day Sun, Sep 07 - 3 days
Fall Equinox Tue, Sep 23 - 19 days
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JOKES:
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After being arrested for robbery, Quinn hired the best lawyer in town. “Look,”
the crook said, “I’ve got nearly a million in cash in my bank box. Can you get
me off?” The lawyer said, “Believe me, pal, you will never go to prison with
that kind of money.” And sure enough, he did not. He went to prison flat broke.
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I have the most marvelous recipe for meat loaf! All I have to do is mention it
to my husband and he says, "Let's eat out!"
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Late one night I stopped at one of those
24-hour gas station mini marts to get myself a cup of freshly-brewed coffee.
When I picked up the pot, I could not help noticing that the brew was as black
as asphalt and just about as thick.
"How old is the coffee you have here?" I asked the woman who was standing behind
the store counter.
She shrugged. "Don't know. Been workin' here only two weeks."
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The four newlyweds spent their honeymoon at Niagara Falls.
They occupied adjoining rooms, sat at the same table, and were inseparable.
One evening after dinner as they were returning to their rooms, there was
lightning and the lights went off.
It was pitch dark, and groping their way they made it to their rooms, and
quietly undressed. Jack a religious fellow knelt to pray. Just as he completed
his prayer, the lights came on that he saw that he was with his friend's wife.
He jumped up and dashed for the door "Too late to hurry now," said the girl "Joe
never prays!"
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Why do Italians hate Jehovah's Witnesses?
Italians hate ALL witnesses.
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"Sex education has its own special problems," an instructor in the field pointed
out to me. "One of my students has become pregnant, and I don't know whether to
flunk her or give her extra credit."
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Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof
and gets stuck. ~George Carlin They say that genius is 99 percent perspiration
and 1 percent inspiration. Then again, so is mowing the lawn.
"Plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for
someone to bring you flowers." -- Veronica A.
Shoffstall I'd never fallen in love...although I'd stepped in it a few times."
-- Rita Rudner "Love can't make you strong 'till love has made you weak."--
Catie Curtis "Yes, the lectures are optional.
Graduation is also optional." --
~Professor Brian Quinn "I planted some bird seed. A bird came up.
Now I don't know what to feed it." -- Steven Wright
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For months, I've been getting spam emails offering to sell me pills that will
increase the size of my penis up to three inches.
I just ignored them and deleted them, but then curiosity got the best of me and
I decided to try them, just to see what would happen.
I answered the ad and when the pills arrived, I was so anxious to try them, that
I opened the package and without reading the instructions, took one and let it
dissolve on my tongue.
It worked, but I have to ask you ladies, "What am I going to do with an
eight-inch tongue?"
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It's said that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
All right, problem is... so is ugliness.
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The discussion of radiator caps reminds me of an old car I once had. You know
the kind, ratty and raggidy, driven when I was a poor college student. I was
having trouble with something I couldn't readily identify myself, so I took it
into the shop.
The mechanic looked at it a couple of minutes and said, "What you really need is
the radiator cap solution."
"Oh," I said, trying not to sound too confused. "Do you mean the radiator cap
isn't holding enough pressure?"
"That's part of the problem" he said. "You need to lift the radiator cap and
drive another car under it.
Then the next day you can replace the radiator cap, and it should solve your
problem."
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I got some bad news today.
You know the money you get from those ATM machines? It comes from "your"
account!
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There are some who feel it is inappropriate to make fun of the holy institution
of marriage.
Then there are others who know it's the only way we can live with it.
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What's worse than having your doctor tell you that you that you have a sexually
transmitted disease?
Having your dentist tell you!
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Leaping Spark was one of the brightest boys in his Indian tribe and the chief
watched his progress closely.
When he had completed his grades in the reservation school the chief decided he
should be sent to university.
Leaping Spark didn't let the tribe down. He graduated magna cum laude as an
electrical engineer. In gratitude, for all the tribal support through his
academic career, he decided he would decorate the entrance to the reservation's
longhouse with a moose head that would glow in the dark.
He installed lights for the eyes and twined other lights around the antlers. In
the evening it was a landmark to be seen for miles!
And so Leaping Spark became the first of his race ever to wire a head for a
reservation.
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Jill: So I noticed this sleazy guy watching me from across the room.
Mary: Uh-oh! What happened?
Jill: Well, he finally oozed over to me and asked, "What's your sexual
preference, Baby?"
Mary: Ohmigod! What did you say?
Jill: I said, "Not you!"
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"In the beginning there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there
was still nothing but everybody could see it." --- Dave Thomas
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Rabbi Bloom was getting quite a reputation for his sermons. His synagogue was
always packed because his congregation didn't want to miss a single one of his
words. One Sabbath, one member had to go to another synagogue to attend a
nephew's bar mitzvah. Because he didn't want to miss the sermon, he asked one of
his non-Jewish friends to go in his place and tape the Rabbi's sermon. That way,
he could listen to it when he got back.
When other members of the congregation saw what was going on, they too decided
to ask their non-Jewish friends to go in their places to record the sermon. They
could then do other things, such as play golf or go to football.
Within a short time, there were 100 gentiles sitting in the synagogue recording
the Rabbi's sermon.
The Rabbi got wise to this. So the following Sabbath, he, too, asked a
non-Jewish friend to attend on his behalf. His friend brought a tape recorder
and played the Rabbi's pre-recorded sermon to the 100 non-Jews in the
congregation who then recorded the sermon on their own machines.
This was believed to be the first incidence in history of "artificial
insermonation."
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Jill: Oh, there are Janie and Charlie over there.
Mary: Did you know that they didn't sleep together before they married?
Jill: Wow! That's unusual these days.
Mary: Well, he wanted to, but the line was too long.
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After our last date, when I got home I had this aching in the pit of my stomach.
I thought it was because I missed you, but it turned out to be food poisoning.
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A dentist friend of mine had a T-shirt which said on the front:
Let me put my tool in your mouth... and on the back: ...and I will fill your
cavity.
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I stepped into the restroom at our company headquarters and found this
handwritten sign posted over one of those hot air hand dryers...
"Please push button and listen for a short message from the Vice President."
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Jill: There's something that has always puzzled me, Mary.
Mary: What's that?
Jill: Is it only because the words have the same number of letters that men
think "brain" and "penis" are synonyms?
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ROME (Reuters) - Active 102-year-old Italian looking for love and marriage --
promises can still deliver the goods.
Centenarian Salvatore Bordino, a father of five who is an avid clay-pigeon
shooter, can't understand why he is having trouble finding wife number three.
"I have a house, a pension and I can carry out all my manly duties," Bordino,
who lives on his own in the southern Italian region of Calabria, told online
newspaper Il Nuovo on Wednesday.
"I'm looking for a beautiful woman, who is in the best of health.
I still haven't called it a day on certain activities."
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Your Parents Were Hippies in the 1960's if:
You were baptized with bong water.
You find out you have 37 half siblings.
They don't trust anyone over 62.
When reminiscing about your birth, mom rates epidural as "weak, man".
Their idea of a drug talk is to tell you "If you're going to do pot, smoke it!
Brownies are a waste of good pot!"
They only time they showed up at grade school was when my 4th grade class was
tie-dying t-shirts.
No line is long enough to fill in your whole name: Sunshine Rainbow Butterfly
Stardust Mary Jane Joplin Smith.
Your parents had your baby earth shoes bronzed.
The moment of your conception is featured in the movie of Woodstock.
All the house plants have funny looking leaves.
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck .......and the Computer
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