REMINDERS:
Columbus Day Mon, Oct 13 - 13 days
Daylight Saving Time Ends Sun, Oct 26 - 26 days
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JOKES:
..........
Returning home from a movie, two friends and I were stopped by a police officer.
As my friend Jeff handed his licence and registration over, he asked if he had
been speeding. "You were doing just under 70 in a 60 zone, but I'm not going to
give you a ticket," the officer said. We were puzzled when he asked Jeff to open
the trunk, and more puzzled when he asked Jeff to go around to the back of the
car with him. "I've got a burnt out taillight," the officer stated.
"Oh, no! Not again!" Jeff exclaimed. "I just replaced one a few weeks ago."
"No, no," the officer corrected. "I've got a burnt out taillight on a car
exactly the same as this, and I was wondering if you'd show me how to change
it."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
My husband, Cal, grew increasingly displeased as our teenage daughter and her
boyfriend studied in her room late one evening.
Finally losing patience shortly after midnight, he knocked sharply on her door.
Her boyfriend immediately opened it and asked if something was wrong. "I have to
ask you to move your car," Cal told him.
"Oh, sure. Is it in someone's way?"
"No," Cal replied, "it's at the wrong address."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
My two-year-old daughter, Paige, was with her mother while her older sister was
being examined by a dentist. Paige kept herself busy playing with toys in the
waiting room until she noticed that her mom was resting, her eyes closed.
With about six other patients waiting, Paige marched up to her mother, looked
her straight in the face and shook her shoulder.
"Mommy," she yelled, "wake up! This is not church!"
My wife, Lani, woke from her doze to the sound of other patients laughing.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
While assisting the teacher in a primary classroom one day,I could see one
little girl was puzzled as to meaning of the word jerk.
"Suppose you were driving with your mom," I said to her, "and she had to step on
the brakes all of a sudden, and you went like this....." I pantomimed a rapid
movement forward and back.
Understanding dawned in her eyes, and she said, "Oh, yes, 'cause there's a jerk
in front of us."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
On his first visit to the zoo, a little boy stared at the caged stork for a long
time.
He waved, jumped up and down, and stared at the stork a while longer.
Finally, turning to his father, he exclaimed, "Gee, Dad, he doesn't recognize
me."
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While I was working in the men's section of a department store, a woman asked me
to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband.
When I asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first, then her face
brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle with her forefingers and
thumbs. "I don't know his size" she said, but my hands fit perfectly around his
neck."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot.
The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
I couldn't get the outboard motor started on my boat. I had tried everything I
could think of when the resort owner who had been watching me came down to help.
I told him everything I had already done. He turned away and began to tinker. To
my amazement, within seconds the motor was running.
"What did you do to get it started?" I called over the noise.
"Turned the key!" he yelled back.
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A woman has pleaded guilty to assault after attacking a male stripper who failed
to meet expectations at her daughter's bachelorette party.
Jacqueline McPoodle, was sentenced to
30 days of court supervision in Greenfield, Illinois and was ordered to pay
$2,000 to the victim.
The 28-year-old man suffered head injuries, bruises and scratches when he was
punched, kicked and hit over the head with a beer bottle after his July 2002
performance at a local motel. Police said the women partygoers became angered
because while performing allegedly a small potato fell out of the male
stripper's briefs on to the floor.
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A member of the Country Club asked the lifeguard how he might go about teaching
a young lady to swim.
"It takes considerable time and technique." replied the guard. "First you must
take her into the water, then place one arm about her waist, hold her tightly,
then take her right arm and raise it very slowly..."
"This is certainly most helpful." said the member. "I know that my sister will
appreciate it."
"Your sister?" said the lifeguard. "In that case, just push her into the deep
end of the pool. She'll learn in a hurry."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Did you know that the biggest sellers in the bookstores are cookbooks?
The second biggest seller is diet books about how not to eat what you've just
learned how to cook.
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Our local humane society had an overabundance of cats, and to deal with the
surplus they posted a notice:
"Laptops Available. Mouse not included."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
A little girl was wearing one of those Medical Alert bracelets.
Someone asked her what the bracelet was for.
She replied, "I'm allergic to nuts and eggs."
The person asked, "Are you allergic to dogs or cats?"
The little girl said, "I don't know..... I've never eaten a dog or cat."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
The young woman looked up from her hospital bed at the handsome doctor and said
breathlessly, "They tell me, doctor, that you're a real lady killer."
The doctor replied huffily, "That’s a lie...the jury threw the case out of court
due to lack of evidence!"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
The Teacher
After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching
prospect said: "Let me see if I've got this right.
You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every
waking moment with a love for learning. And I'm supposed to instill a sense of
pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for
signs of abuse and even censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits.
"You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check
their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self esteem.
You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, fair
play, how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for
a job.
"I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize
signs of antisocial behavior, offer advice, write letters of recommendation for
student employment and scholarships, encourage respect for the cultural
diversity of others, and oh, make sure that I give the girls in my class fifty
percent of my attention.
"My contract requires me to work on my own time after school, evenings and
weekends grading papers.
Also, I must spend my summer vacation at my own expense working toward advance
certification and a Masters degree. And on my own time you want me to attend
committee and faculty meetings, PTA meetings, and participate in staff
development training.
"I am to be a paragon of virtue, larger than life, such that my very presence
will awe my students into being obedient and respectful of authority. And I am
to pledge allegiance to family values and this current administration.
"You want me to incorporate technology into the learning experience, monitor web
sites, and relate personally with each student. That includes deciding who might
be potentially dangerous and/or liable to commit a crime in school.
"I am to make sure all students pass the mandatory state exams, even those who
don't come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments. Plus, I am
to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal education
regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap. And I am to
communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, newsletter and
report card.
"All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a
bulletin board, a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family
for food stamps!
"You want me to do all of this and yet you expect me. . . .
NOT TO PRAY?"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
There was an attorney who got home late one evening after a very taxing day
trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due
to be hanged for murder at midnight.
His last minute plea for clemency to the state governor had failed and he was
feeling tired and depressed.
As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of
night do you call this? Where the hell have you been?" and so on. Too shattered
to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a
very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak -- pursued
by the predictable sarcastic remarks.
While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered to be told that
her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all.
Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs
to give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's
rear view as he bent naked over the bath cleaning the tub.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said, at which the attorney whirled
round and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud woman, don't you ever
stop?"
*********************
That's the jokes for today..
Have a GREAT Tuesday!!!
Chuck ......and the Computer
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