TODAY'S JOKES 9-2-03
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REMINDERS:
NFL - Regular Season Begins Thu, Sep 04 - 2 days
Grandparents' Day Sun, Sep 07 - 5 days
Fall Equinox Tue, Sep 23 - 21 days
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JOKES:
..........
While working at the mall, I saw an elderly couple holding hands while they were
walking. As they approached, I commented on how romantic it was.
He replied, "We have been holding hands when we go out in public for over thirty
years. I have to.
If I let go, she shops.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
A witness is testifying before the court, and the prosecuting attorney is asking
him questions:
"You witnessed the robbery, sir?"
"Yes"
"What was stolen?"
"Two televisions"
"Did you see the thieves?"
"Yes"
"Could you identify them?"
"Yes"
"Are the two men who stole the televisions in this courtroom?"
At this point, the two defendants raised their hands.
(What's a defense attorney to do?)
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A young married couple lived in a cheap housing complex.
Their chief complaint was that the walls were paper-thin and that they had no
privacy. This was painfully obvious when one morning the husband was upstairs
and the wife was downstairs on the telephone. She was interrupted by the
doorbell and went to greet her neighbor.
"Give this to your husband," he said thrusting a roll of toilet paper into her
hands. "He's been yelling for it for 15 minutes!"
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The old Chief finally retired from the Navy and got that chicken ranch he always
wanted. He took with him his lifelong pet parrot.
First morning at 04:30, the parrot squawked and said, "Off yer hocks and don yer
socks. Reveille"
The old chief told the parrot, "we are no longer in the Navy. Go back to sleep."
The next morning, the parrot did the same thing.
The old Chief told the parrot, "Look, if you keep this up, I will put you out in
the chicken pen."
Again the parrot did it, and true to his word, the Chief put the parrot in the
chicken pen. About 06:30, the Chief was awakened by one heck of a ruckus in the
chicken pen.
He went out to see what was the matter.
The parrot had about 40 white chickens in formation and on the ground lay 3
bruised and beaten brown ones. The parrot was saying, "By God, when I say fall
out in dress whites, I don't mean Khakis!"
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The only person who's constantly wrong and still keeps his job is the
weatherman.
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When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle
street, he got much more than he bargained for.
Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home
near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to
steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by
mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying it was the
best laugh he'd ever had.
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The Computer
State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.
Obsolete - Any computer you own.
Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become
obsolete.
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A daring thief who stuffed a pair of live lobsters in his pants learned that
crime doesn't pay when the frisky creatures gave him a vasectomy. Police say the
24 year old shoplifter was leaving a Bristol, England supermarket when he
removed the lobsters from their tank and shoved them into his trousers. The man
sprinted past stunned checkout girls, but came to a screeching halt when he felt
the lobsters clutching on his manhood.
The thorny creatures were finally removed when emergency medics pried them loose
with pliers. Doctors say the thief will fully recover from his frightening
tangle with the lobsters, but he will never be a daddy. The thief's painful
prank landed him in the hospital, where he is expected to remain for three or
four weeks. But thanks to a kindhearted supermarket manager, he will not be
charged with any crime. "The guy's gone through enough pain," said the store
manager. "I think he has learned his lesson. I doubt if he'll ever steal again."
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Several of us librarians received invitations, each of which had the person's
name and an abbreviation of the job title. Reference Librarian, for example, was
shortened to "Ref. Lib."
Since I work in the Local Studies section, mine was addressed to "Alan
Duckworth, Local Stud."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Doug and Bill went out drinking one night and didn't get home till the wee
hours.
They see each other the next day at work and Bill asks, "Did your wife have much
to say when you got home last night?"
Doug replies, "No, but that didn't keep her from talking for two hours."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
On the CBS "Sunday Morning" TV show one week, in honor of Super Bowl Sunday,
comic Bill Geist visited a nudist camp to tape its own Super Bowl football game.
The producers went through the entire tape placing the obligatory fuzzy blob
over specific anatomical exposures, but otherwise the game was pure football -
in the nude.
The commentator explained that they had one primary rule. Since this was "flag"
football, not "tag," he said, "If you grab something that doesn't come off in
three seconds, please let go."
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Billy Bob's parents were thrilled and excited when he joined the Army; he was
going to serve his country.
After Billy Bob had completed basic training, he invited his parents to come to
the base and spend the day there. He said that special programs had been set up
for all the parents, so that they could see the results of the training. His
parents showed up, eager to see what Billy Bob had learned.
After all the parents had visited with their sons, the Drill Sergeant announced
that the group would do an exhibition of marching, to show off the skills their
sons had learned. The troops lined up in formation and marched by the group of
parents.
As they went by, Billy Bob's mother said to his father, "I'm so proud of Billy
Bob. Look at him. He's out there marching, and do you notice, he's the only one
in step?"
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A few years ago 'clever' drug traffickers used a propane tanker truck entering
El Paso from Mexico. They rigged it so propane gas would be released from all of
its valves while the truck concealed
6,240 pounds of marijuana. They were clever, but not bright. They misspelled the
name of the gas company on the side of the truck.
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COACH: Elmer, you can be the end, guard, and tackle.
ELMER: That's great, coach!
COACH: Yes, sit at the end of the bench, guard the water bucket, and tackle
anyone who gets near it.
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"Papa," said the farmers son, "you were a sheepherder in your younger days,
perhaps you can tell me where virgin wool comes from."
"Virgin wool, my son, comes from the sheep the herders couldn't catch."
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ....and the Computer
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