REMINDERS:

Columbus Day Mon, Oct 13 - 14 days

Daylight Saving Time Ends Sun, Oct 26 - 27 days
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JOKES:
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Have you ever noticed that when you're of a certain age, everything seems uphill from where you are? Stairs are steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumfounded to discover how long our street had become!

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age.
On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am.
I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection........ Well, REALLY NOW. even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast today! You're risking life and limb if you just happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size
10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much!
Just who do these people think they're fooling?

I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too:
they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here!

All I can do is pass along this warning:
Maturity is under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon "everyone"
will have to suffer these awful indignities.
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Smooth Operators My teenager was headed to school one morning when I told him that the neck tag on his shirt was hanging out.
"I know", he replied. "It's a fad me and some of the guys started".
Weeks later, as the style persisted, I commented: "I can't stand it! Every time I see that, I want to fix it for you." I gently tucked the tag in place and rumpled his hair.
"Yeah," he said, smiling slyly. "All the girls do."
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Baby-sitting my two grand-daughters one evening, I informed them it was bedtime. "Your dad said eight o'clock," I told them. The 4
1/2 year old responded, "You don't have to listen to him."
"Why not?" I asked.
"Because", she replied, "you're his mother."
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A man's four year old son came home from Sunday School one day.
When he asked him what he'd learned that day, the boy was quiet for a minute and then said "Dad, have any of the men in our family had their penises criticized?"

The wife cracked up and told him the term was "circumcised," but the answer was still yes.
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Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness?
It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
---George Burns
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A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun.

Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A ****-UP!"

For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started.
The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him.

The thief ran away and is still at large.

In memory of the event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the words, "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a ****-up!"
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Secretary on the phone: "Our automatic answering device is away for repair. This is a person speaking."
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One hot sunny summer day, Tim and Don decided to go and spend the day fishing at the lake. They sat on the dock, enjoying the perfect weather and watching a speed boat pulling a water skier back and forth across the lake.

Tim and Don, being friendly sorts, waved at the skier but when the skier tried to wave back he lost his hold on the tow line and went down hard.

The two friends jumped to their feet in horror and waited for the skier to surface. But the skiers life preserver came up without him. Feeling responsible for the fall, Tim and Don both dove in and swam out to try and save him.

After several fruitless dives they finally found the water skier lying on the bottom of the lake and pulled him to shore. They started CPR, Tim doing compressions and Don giving mouth to mouth.

All of the sudden, Don stopped blowing and started to gag.

Tim, noticing Don had stopped, yelled, "Why are you stopping?! We have to save this guy!"

Don replied, "The guy WAS water skiing right?"

"Well yah. We both saw him. Why?"

"Because THIS guy is wearing ice skates..."
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One evening, long ago, the family was having dinner. My father was always giving special attention to my 3 year old sister. He put her food on her plate, and then to be sure that it was cool enough, he leaned over and blew on her food for what seemed like a long time.

Finally, my little sister had enough of looking at the big bald spot on dad's head. With all the contempt that a 3-year old could muster, she said, "Eat your own dinner!"
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Him: "I woke up with an erection this morning, and it had your name written all over it."

Her: "I'm sure my name is far too long to fit the whole thing on your penis."

Him: "Oh, yeah? What's your name?"

Her: "Lu."
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Two women were paired together as partners in a club tournament and met on the putting green for the first time.

After introductions, the first golfer asked, "What's your handicap?"

"Oh, I'm a scratch golfer," the other replied.

"Really!" exclaimed the first woman, suitably impressed that she was paired up with her.

"Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!"
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Doctor: How were those pills I prescribed to improve your memory?

Patient: I forgot to take them!
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"I'm telling you, Jill, I've never been happier," Nadine told her friend. "I have two boyfriends. One is just fabulous...handsome, sensitive, caring and considerate."

"What in the world do you need the second one for?" Jill asked.

"Oh," Nadine replied, "the second one is straight."
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Ways to Describe How Someone Likes Their Coffee He likes his Irish coffee like he likes his women: loaded with whiskey.

I like my coffee like I like my meddlesome neighbors: ground into tiny bits.

She likes her coffee like divorce attorneys like their clients: very rich, very bitter and with lots of grounds.

She likes her Starbucks coffee like she likes her men: always another one around the corner.
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The first guy said that when he dies, he would like to die in the service of his country.

The second guy said when he dies, he would like to die as philanthropist, leaving all his money to the poor and needy.

The third guy said, "I don't really want to die, but if I have to, well, I would like to be shot dead by a jealous husband."
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Have you wondered why they are re-calling the California Governor? Here's a quote.

“My vision is to make the most diverse state on Earth and we have people from every planet on the Earth in this state. We have the sons and daughters of people from every planet of every country on Earth." (Governor Gray Davis)
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GREAT Monday!
Chuck ..... and the Computer

C. S. ROLLASON WHOLESALERS

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