REMINDERS:

Columbus Day Mon, Oct 13 - 17 days

Daylight Saving Time Ends Sun, Oct 26 - 30 days
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JOKES:
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A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.

"Here is the situation," she said.

"A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.

His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"

A little girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?"
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My first stop on my vacation was my sister's house in Montana.
She's extremely organized. Before she leaves on a trip, she always types up address labels for her postcards.
This time, I figured I'd done her one better. I boasted, "You'll be impressed. I've already written thank-you notes to everyone with whom I'll be staying. They're all stamped and ready to go."

My sister was silent for a moment, and then she said, "You mean those little envelopes I saw in your room and mailed this morning?"
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Jill was selling tickets at the movie house when I got a phone call. This woman said, "How much is a ticket?"

Jill said, "Seven Dollars."

She said, "How much for children?"

Jill said, "Same price, Seven Dollars."

She said, "The airlines charge half fare for children."

Jill said, "OK, put the kids on a plane somewhere, and you come to the movie. You'll enjoy it a lot more that way."
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My wife hasn't spoken to me since the baby was born because of a little misunderstanding. She called me at work and said her water had broken and I called the plumber.
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A distinguished clergyman and a friend were playing golf. It was a very close match, and at the last hole the clergyman teed up, addressed the ball, and swung his driver with great force. The ball, instead of sailing down the fairway, merely rolled off the tee and settled slowly some twelve feet away.

The clergyman frowned, glared, and bit his lip, but said nothing.
His opponent regarded him for a moment, and then remarked:
"Father, that is the most profane silence I have ever witnessed."
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A young boy about five or six years was talking on the telephone.

As his Dad listened on, the youngster told his grandparents dejectedly, "Mom is in the hospital, so the twins and Suzie and Billy and Sally and Max-the-dog and me and Dad are home all alone."
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Actual excerpts from Royal Navy and Marines officer fitness reports:

* His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

* I would not breed from this officer.

* He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

* He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

* This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

* This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

* Since my last report he has reached rock bottom; has started to dig.

* She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to meet them.

* He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

* Works well under constant supervision when cornered like a rat in a trap.

* This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
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National Guard troops patrol the nation's airports wearing jungle camouflage uniforms and carrying fixed bayonets. Nevertheless, it's done nothing to hold down crime in airports. They're still charging $4 for a candy bar.
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"Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded." --Tim Allen
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There was a woman who spent some months serving God in Kenya. On her final visit to a remote township she attended a medical clinic. As the Maasai women there began to sing together, she found herself deeply moved by their hauntingly beautiful harmonies. She wanted to always remember this moment and try to share it with friends when she arrived home.

With tears flowing down her cheeks, she turned to her friend and asked, "Can you please tell me the translation of the words to this song?"

Her friend looked at her an solemnly replied, "If you boil the water, you won't get dysentery."
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"Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is always a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs." ~P.
J. O'Rourke:

Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless. - Mother Teresa
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After the big Superbowl party, John figured he better spend some quality time with his wife. He climbs upstairs, walks into the bedroom and crawls into bed.

"Alright honey," he says, "Give me a play you want me to run."

"How about foreplay?" his wife replies.

"What's the Four Play?" says John.

"You know," the wife says, "It happens before the two-minute warning."
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For all the women out there.
Wanna have some fun?

I just discovered that the remote control for the TV in the bedroom works on the one in the living room.

I stick it in the corner of the couch where I sit, have it aimed toward the tv, and when the MAN OF THE HOUSE puts on a ball game or whatever, that I don't want to watch - just sneakily change the station - everytime he puts it back, do it again, and just say "There must be something wrong with the cable."
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Governor Gray Davis said he welcomed the decision. He said using the punch-card machines wouldn't be fair to the people. And he has a point. Afterall, those were the machines that got him elected in the first place.
(Jay Leno)
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Today's useless fact - What makes "stainless" steel stainless?

Stainless steel was developed in 1913 by British metallurgist Harry Brearley, who was searching for a better lining for cannons. He discovered that chromium had the ability to create an oxide lining, and that steel made from iron and chromium resisted many corrosive chemicals.

Stainless steel is coated with a thin, transparent film of iron oxide and chromium. This prevents soap, food, water, and air from getting to the metal below and eating it away. Since its coating is so smooth, stainless steel is very sanitary. Bacteria, fungi, and dirt have nowhere to hide and are easily washed away. For this reason, commercial kitchen surfaces and cooking equipment are often made of stainless steel.

Another unique thing about this kind of steel is that it can "heal" itself. When scratched or nicked, the protective oxide immediately recoats the damaged area.
Because of its great ability to resist rusting, it is an ideal material for cutlery, pots, and pans.
Now, if they could only make stainless steel mufflers..
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"I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity."
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"It's no good, sir," said the hopeless pupil to his English teacher. "I try to learn, but everything you say goes in both ears and out the other."

"Goes in both ears and out the other?"
asked the puzzled teacher. "But you only have two ears, boy."

"Guess I'm no good at math, either!"
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My wife gets more dirt out of a phone than she can out of a vacuum cleaner!
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Voters in Alabama rejected a 1.2 billion dollar tax increase. The governor said if it isn't approved, schools will go bankrupt, the police force will be cut by one third and thousands of inmates will be released early. So, it will be just like California, but with less teeth. (Jay Leno)
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Little Johnny was participating in a spelling bee during class.
He had to spell the word and use it in a sentence. The teacher asked him to please spell the word EAR.

Little Johnny stood up and proudly said EAR, E-A-R.

Then to use it in a sentence, he pretended to take a big hit off a joint, and while pretending to have his lungs full of smoke, he passed the pretend joint to little Suzy, and said...

"Ear."
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"Jesse Jackson fathered a child with an employee. Jackson said the reason he waited two years to reveal the pregnancy is because he couldn't think of a word that rhymed with 'broken condom'."
-Jimmy Fallon
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The election is now put off until March, but recall supporters say they are going to ask the U.S.
Supreme Court to get involved.
And if the U.S. Supreme Court gets involved, you know what that means — the next Governor of California:
George W. Bush."
(Jay Leno)
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Big news out of California, a judge in California ruled that the state must postpone their recall election until March of next year. After hearing this Gary Coleman was thrilled and said this means he could be in the news two years in a row. (Conan O'Brien)
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Kvetchmore Labs announced that it is expecting early FDA approval for a more environmental friendly bubble gum. You are expected to swallow the gum after chewing. This has two ecological benefits:

1. It doesn't end up being stuck under table tops.

2. Your farts are ejected in non-stinky bubbles.
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The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.

Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.

The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"

"Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover."
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An old man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."

"That's not senility," replied the doctor.
"Senility is when you forget to zip down."
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Dan married one of a pair of identical twins. Less than a year later he was in court filing for a divorce.

"Tell the court why you want a divorce,"
the judge said.

"Well, Your Honor," Dan started, "every once in a while my sister- in-law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are identical, sometimes I'd end up making love to her by mistake."

"Surely there must be some difference between the two women," the judge said.

"Exactly, Your Honor. That's why I want the divorce!"
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What happens if you sing country music backwards?

You get your job, your dog and your wife back.
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If you had your life to live over Bert, would you change anything?"

"Yeah, I'd try not to be so critical of my wife's faults."

"Actually, you should be grateful for her faults Bert. After all, if it weren't for them, she would have probably found herself a better husband."
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A group of expectant fathers sat nervously in the hall. A nurse beckoned to one of them and said, "Congratulations, you have a son!"

Another man dropped his magazine, jumped up and cried, "Hey, what's the idea? I got here two hours before he did!"
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GREAT Friday.... and a GREAT weekend!
Chuck ......and the Computer

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