REMINDERS:

Columbus Day Mon, Oct 13 - 18 days
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JOKES:
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Political Bloopers

"Things are more like they are now than they have ever been." -- President Gerald Ford "My fellow astronauts..." --Vice-President Dan Quayle, beginning a speech at an Apollo 11 anniversary celebration.

"Capital punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of human life." --Orrin Hatch, Senator from Utah, explaining his support of the death penalty.

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." --Charles de Gaulle, ex-French President "I stand by all the misstatements." --Dan Quayle, defending himself against criticism for making verbal gaffes "Gerald Ford was a Communist" --Ronald Reagan in a speech. He later indicated he meant to say 'Congressman'.

"Outside of the killings, Washington D.C.
has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington D.C.

"We found the term 'killing' too broad."
--State Department spokesperson on why the word 'killing' was replaced with 'unlawful or arbitrary deprivation of life' in its human rights reports for
1984.

"This is a great day for France!"
--President Richard Nixon while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral "This is the worst disaster in California since I was elected." -- California Governor Pat Brown, discussing a local flood "It's not listed in the Bible, but my spiritual gift, my specific calling from God, is to be a television talk show host." --James Baker, televangelist.

"The chairs in the cabin are for the ladies.
Gentlemen are not to make use of them till the ladies are seated." --Instructions posted in a river cruise ship, Suir River, Ireland.

"The exports include thumbscrews and cattle prods, just routine items for the police." --U.S. Commerce Department spokesman on a regulation allowing the export of various products abroad.

"Facts are stupid things." --Ronald Reagan, misquoting John Adams in a speech to the Republican convention
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A patient had broken his leg and it was going to have to be set.
To get him ready for this painful event, he was heavily sedated.

While in this "state", he spoke rather freely with the hospital staff and with his wife. She apparently learned several things about her husband.

When it was time to reverse the medication, the wife said "Wait!
not yet. I have some more questions I want to ask".
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Today's useless fact - Why is yawning contagious?

First, let us dispense with the antiquated notion that a yawn is the body's attempt to pump extra oxygen into our fatigued systems. Scientists have shown that a person in an oxygen chamber yawns just as much as anyone else. No, yawning seems to be tied to more primal purposes, with contagion at the center of it. A semiautomatic reflex that originates in the brain stem and marks transitions from one mental state to another, yawning is widespread throughout the animal kingdom, particularly among carnivores. "Watch a pride of lions: when one cat opens its mouth, pretty soon there's an outbreak.
Although the precise mechanism for its contagiousness remains unknown, yawning appears to be a piece of ancient genetic wiring meant to help synchronize clan behavior, a form of prelinguistic communication indicating that it's time to move on to the next big thing. Think of it as a way for, say, a Neanderthal to let his comrades know that the nap's over; let's go bag us a woolly mammoth.
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Today's useless fact - Why is yawning contagious?

First, let us dispense with the antiquated notion that a yawn is the body's attempt to pump extra oxygen into our fatigued systems. Scientists have shown that a person in an oxygen chamber yawns just as much as anyone else. No, yawning seems to be tied to more primal purposes, with contagion at the center of it. A semiautomatic reflex that originates in the brain stem and marks transitions from one mental state to another, yawning is widespread throughout the animal kingdom, particularly among carnivores. "Watch a pride of lions: when one cat opens its mouth, pretty soon there's an outbreak.
Although the precise mechanism for its contagiousness remains unknown, yawning appears to be a piece of ancient genetic wiring meant to help synchronize clan behavior, a form of prelinguistic communication indicating that it's time to move on to the next big thing. Think of it as a way for, say, a Neanderthal to let his comrades know that the nap's over; let's go bag us a woolly mammoth.
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It's 3:00 A.M. and Goldie wakes up to see her husband pacing the floor. "Morris, why can't you sleep?" she asks him.

"You know our next door neighbor, Sam. I borrowed $1000 from him, and it's due tomorrow morning and I don't have the money. I don't know what I'm going to do." Morris replies.

Goldie gets out of bed and opens the window. "Sam," she shouts, and several times more, "Sam, Sam."

Finally a very groggy Sam opens the window opposite her and yells back, "What, what is it...it's 3 AM, what the hell do you want?"

Goldie says, "You know the $1000 my husband owes you? He doesn't have it."

She then slams the window shut and turns to Morris and says, now you go to sleep and let Sam pace the floor."
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Signs You Have Nothing To Do At Work

By January 6th you've already read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar.

You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis.

You now require only a single can of cola to belch the names of all seven Dwarfs.

People come into your office to borrow pencils from your ceiling.

You've figured out a way to get Gilligan off the island.
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In Davis, CA, a man who used to perform autopsies has been arrested for taking home 157 pounds of human body parts. Do you know what his bail cost him? An arm and a leg. (Jay Leno)
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Asshole (n): The most commonly employed word in American English.
Frequently used by both sides in an argument, more often than not, accurately.
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The woman was happily showing off her BMW. "It was nice of your husband to buy you that new car," said a friend.

"Nice nothing! He had to," explained the woman. "I caught him in bed with the maid."

"Oh, how dreadful!" replied the friend, sympathetically. "Well, did you fire her?"

"Certainly not! I still need all new matching outfits to go with the car!"
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There was a cowboy who went into an outhouse. He heard some noise, so he looked inside, and lo and behold there was an Indian down in the hole.

The cowboy said, "How long have you been down there?"

The Indian replied, "Many moons."
(groan)
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Counselor: Trudy, what are you going to do in the camp talent show?
Trudy: Imitations.
Counselor: Great - let's hear one.
Trudy: I love you - ouch! I love you - ouch!
Counselor: I give up. Who are you imitating?
Trudy: Two porcupines kissing.
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A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest.

She lies down on the bed... just then, and elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed.

Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more.
Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up.

The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true. "Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!" So he lies down next to the wife.

Just then the husband walks in. "What,"
he says, "are you doing here!?!"

The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"
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One evening during a poker game, a man was bragging to his friends about how his sister disguised herself as a man and was able to join the army.

"But, wait a minute," said one listener.
"Your sister will have to dress with the boys and shower with them, too. Won't she?"

"Sure," replied the man.

"Well, won't they find out?" asked another poker player.

The first man shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Sure. But who is gonna tell?"
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My four year old son and I were riding bicycles on a path going through the soybean field on our farm. He was on his little 10 inch bike and I was on my 26 inch 12 speed. As we were coming down a slight hill that was a little bumpy, we picked up a little speed. I told him "Be careful! Don't loose control." He 'as matter of factly' told me "I won't Dad. I don't have any controls."
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GREAT Thursday!!!
Chuck ......and the Computer

C. S. ROLLASON WHOLESALERS

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