REMINDERS:

Columbus Day Mon, Oct 13 - 19 days
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JOKES:
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Working as a secretary at an international airport, my sister had an office adjacent to where security temporarily holds suspects.

One day security officers were questioning a man when they were suddenly called away on another emergency. To the horror of my sister and her colleagues, the man was left alone in the unlocked room. After a few minutes, the door opened, and he began to walk out.

Summoning up her courage, one of the secretaries barked, "Get back in there, and don't come out until you're told!"

The man scuttled back inside and slammed the door. When the security people returned, the woman reported what had happened.

Without a word, an officer walked into the room and released one very frightened telephone repairman.
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Pupils at school were asked to write about the harmful effects of oil on fish. One 11-year old wrote:

"When my mum opened a tin of sardines last night it was full of oil and all the sardines were dead."
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To puritanical Americans, the mere hint of sex might seem like an emergency. Folks have called 911 to complain that their neighbor's bed is "squeaking too damn loud." And another caller complained, "There is a snow sculpture outside my apartment [with] gross exaggeration of certain male parts we all find obscene."

Other Americans encounter 911 with their pants down and their dignity flapping in the breeze.

One unfortunate fellow got stuck in the swimming pool while seeking sexual pleasure from the vacuum intake line. That suction turned out to be a little too strong.

A security guard called 911 laughing hysterically, telling the dispatcher: "He's got his privates stuck in the pump line! He's been in there for three hours... it's got to be shriveled up like hell."

The dispatcher says: "You're the night clerk. You can't keep laughing."

The rescue was called "Free Willy."
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Kramer goes to an optometrist and he's lead into a room where the doctor pulls down a small screen with letters.

"Read me the bottom line, Mr.
Kramer."

"Sorry, Doc, I can't."

"Okay, how about the line above that?"

"Nope."

"...the next one up?"

"Nope."

This goes on for half an hour with the optometrist pulling down progressively larger and larger eye charts with ever bigger letters Finally, the doctor says, 'Well, I've never had to use it before, but see if you can read this."

With that, he pulled a lever, the wall collapsed and a giant 50 foot flaming orange 'A" rose up out of the ground.

'Now surely you can read THAT!"
snarled the frustrated optometrist.

"Sorry, Doc, but I can't."

"Then, man, you must be blind!"

"Oh no, Doc, my eyesight's fine. I just never learned how to read!"
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A man goes into a hamburger stand and orders a burger. The waitress takes out two frozen patties and sticks them under her arms.

The man says, "What the hell are you doing?!"

She replies, "I'm defrosting them!"

The other guy at the counter says, "In that case, you can cancel my hotdog!"
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While Kathy is at her friend's house it starts to rain very heavily. Her friend tells her to spend the night at her house and go home the next day.

When she hears this, Kathy rushes out the door and comes back a while later totally drenched and carrying a small, soggy paper bag.

So her friend asks "Where did you run off too?" "I went home to get my pajamas!"
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The new preacher, at this first service, had a pitcher of water and a glass on the pulpit. As he preached, he drank until the pitcher of water was completely gone.

After the service, someone asked an old woman of the church, "How did you like the new pastor?"

"Fine," she said, "but he's the first windmill I ever saw that was run by water."
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Linda got a new job as a senate page and was reporting for duty on Capitol Hill in Washington. The department head who was giving her instructions said, "...and another thing.
You must remember the telephone number here. IF you are ever calling in from an outside line you must dial Capitol 4-3121."

Then, noticing the puzzled look on Linda's face, he said, "What's the matter? You look as though you don't understand."

"Oh, nothing's the matter," Linda said. "I just don't know how to dial a capital four!"
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My brother and I were watching "Conan O'Brien's 10th Anniversary Special" tonight. It was up to the part where Mr. T came on.
Dude gives Conan a gold "7" as a present.
Conan says, "But my show's been on for 10 years!"
Mr. T replies, "I know that, fool! You've only been funny for seven!"
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Today's useless fact - How beautiful was Cleopatra?

Not as pretty as you'd imagine. A coin issued during her reign depicted her with straight hair, a hooked nose, and a pronounced chin. In fact, she looked disconcertingly like Robin Williams in drag.

So, perhaps Cleopatra had inner beauty.
"Her beauty was by no means flawless," wrote the tactful historian Plutarch, adding that she had "irresistible charm" and a voice that was "beguilingly rich." That, and she had a kingdom the Romans had wanted to get their hands on for a long time. Still, she saved her kingdom for a while by becoming the lover of the two successive generals-Julius Caesar and Mark Antony-who had come to conquer Egypt, but were conquered by the lady's charms instead.

Did Cleopatra use makeup?

Quite a bit of it, actually. She even used some of the pigments that artists of the age were also using, including lead, which probably shouldn't be placed on your face if you value your health and sanity. Still, if you want to inspire Roman hands, here are some of her secrets:

* Red ocher for cheek rouge
* Henna on your palms to give them a youthful glow
*A lead ore, called black galena, as an eyeliner and eyebrow pencil
* Lapis lazuli for a blue-black tint on your upper eyelid, and malachite (copper ore) for a green tint on your lower lid.
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Two of New England's finest undertakers, Old Mort Rogers and his brother Dick, are also experts at rigging sailing ships. Most agree that Dick is a fine ship builder, but he's not the rigger Mort is.
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Changes

I dialed a wrong number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
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Patient: You were right, Doctor, when you said you'd have me on my feet and walking around in no time.
Doctor: I'm happy to hear it. When did you start walking?
Patient: Right after I sold my car to pay your bill.
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Several women appeared in court, each accusing the other for the trouble in the apartment where they lived.

The judge, with Solomon-like wisdom, called for orderly testimony. "I'll hear the oldest first," he decreed.

The case closed for lack of evidence
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An English man, a Scots man and an Irish man were trying to get in to see the Olympics without tickets.

So they got to the stadium during one of the main events and discussed how they would be able to attend without paying.

The English man walked around the stadium and saw a pole lying on the ground and picked it up.

He walked to the entrance and said, "Peter. England.
Pole throwing."

The guards let him in without hesitation.

While walking, the Scots man sees a manhole.

He picks up the cover, carries it under his arm to the entrance and says, "McGregor. Scotland.
Discus throwing.

The guards let him in also.

The Irish man is very frantic, since both his friends are now inside. He walks around the stadium and finds a roll of barbed wire. He picks it up, walks to the entrance and says, "Murphy. Ireland.
Fencing."
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GREAT Wednesday!!!
Chuck ........and the Computer

C. S. ROLLASON WHOLESALERS

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