REMINDERS:

Fall Equinox Tue, Sep 23 - 1 days

Columbus Day Mon, Oct 13 - 21 days
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JOKES:
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Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.
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I read that a child laughs 400 times a day on the average, while an adult laughs only 15 times each day.
Which is puzzling since laughter feels so good and is so good for us!

You may know the benefits of laughter on the mind and spirit, but are you aware of how much a good laugh can help you physically?
Norman Cousins used to say that laughter is so beneficial physically that it is like "inner jogging."

Mayo Clinic (Mayo Clinic Health Letter, March 1993) reports that laughter aids breathing by disrupting your normal respiration pattern and increasing your breathing rate.
It can even help clear mucus from your lungs.

Laughter is good for your heart. It increases circulation and improves the delivery of oxygen and nutrients to tissues throughout your body.

A good laugh helps your immune system fight off colds, flu and sinus problems by increasing the concentration of immunoglobulin A in your saliva. And it may help control pain by raising the levels of certain brain chemicals (endorphins).

It is also a natural stress reliever. Have you ever laughed so hard that you doubled over, fell off your chair, spit out your food or wet your pants? You cannot maintain muscle tension when you are laughing!

The good news is that you are allowed more than 15 laughs a day!
Go ahead and double the dose and make it 30 times today. (You may begin to notice your relationships improving!) Then double it again! You are bound to feel better, you will cope with problems more effectively and people will enjoy being around you.

Laughter: it's good medicine, it's completely organic, it can be shared, it is recyclable and it's absolutely free!
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Spelling Words

A college roommate of mine was doing her student teaching. While she watched the second graders practice their writing, a little boy raised his hand to get her attention.

"Teacher, how do you spell 'sex'?"

Startled at the question, my friend made her way to his desk and quietly asked, "What word did you want me to help you spell?"

The little boy replied, "I have the first part--I-N--but I don't know how to spell the whole word--'Insects.'"
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The congregation of a small stone church decided that the stone, which formed the step up to the front door had become too worn by its years of use, and would have to be replaced. Unfortunately, there were hardly any funds available for the replacement.

Then someone came up with the bright idea that the replacement could be postponed for many years by simply turning the block of stone over.

They discovered that their great-grandparents had beaten them to it.
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Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that the darnedest time for a guy to get those odds?

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said; after marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish saying it.
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Honoring the "President"


Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nation's most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will begin production in Canada this year.

When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied "I don't know, I never had one."

American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton "Walking Eagle"
because he's so full of crap he can't fly.

Clinton lacked only three things to have become one of America's finest leaders: integrity, vision, and wisdom.

Clinton was doing the work of three men:
Moe, Larry & Curly.

Revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it,the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."

You know, politicians and diapers have one thing in common. Both should be changed regularly, and for the same reason!

Clinton will be recorded in History as, "The only President to do HANKIE-PANKY between BUSHES"
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A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband.......

"I look horrible, fat & ugly, pay me a compliment", The husband replies "Your eyesight is bloody perfect!"
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One day at the veterinarian's office where I take my cat, a man and the receptionist were verbally sparring.

After a few moments a technician came to her co-worker's defense. "Sir," she interjected, "Do you know what happens to aggressive males in this office?"
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Two signs seen on top of one another in a country kitchen restaurant:

"Restrooms Right" and below it:

"Please wait for the hostess to seat you"
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Father: Now, Michael, don't be selfish.
Let your sister have the sled half the time.
Michael: I do Dad. I have it going downhill and she has it going up.
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Officer to man pacing sidewalk at 3AM:
"What are you doing here?"

The man replied, "I forgot my key, Officer, and I'm waiting for my kids to come home and let me in!"
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My husband had lost 50 pounds and after eight years of being a housewife, I had taken a job in a restaurant. When I returned home after my first day at work, I gave my husband a big hug.

He seemed to cling to me longer than usual. "Did you really miss me that much today, dear?" I asked.

"No," came the reply. "But you smell so much like pancakes that I hate to let you go."
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My husband had lost 50 pounds and after eight years of being a housewife, I had taken a job in a restaurant. When I returned home after my first day at work, I gave my husband a big hug.

He seemed to cling to me longer than usual. "Did you really miss me that much today, dear?" I asked.

"No," came the reply. "But you smell so much like pancakes that I hate to let you go."
Roy took Michael to a celebratory dinner at a really posh restaurant.

They walked in, were ushered to a table by a formally dressed maitre d', and sat down at a table on which were displayed the finest china and crystal. Taking the damask napkin from the solid silver napkin ring, Michael unfolded it, put it around his neck and proceeded to tie a knot in the back.

Staring at him, the maitre d' said, between gritted teeth, "Sir, will you be having a shave or a haircut?"
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On Lorraine's request, I've compiled some of my favorite t-shirt quips! (from shirts seen at my mall and johnsonsmith.com)

Lead me not into temptation...I can do it myself.

Inside this person, there's a young person wondering ...WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?!

Remember my name...you'll be screaming it later.

I'm the bitch that fell off.

I'm as confused as a hungry baby in a topless bar.

My imaginary friend thinks you have serious problems.

If I got smart with you, how would you know?

Keep watching. Maybe I'll do a trick.

You're just jealous because the voices don't talk to you.

[and, the one that had me jettin' away from the kiosk!] Your powers are useless. The clowns are behind me.
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When his auto mechanic came in for a operation, Dr. Grimley couldn't help but take the opportunity to turn the tables on him.

"Well Frank," said the doctor, "It's going to take at least five days for the parts to get in. As for the cost, there's no way to tell until we get in there and see exactly what the problem is..."
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A student in a science class wrote, "The universe is a giant orgasm" (instead of organism).

At the end of the student's essay, the teacher riposted, "Your answer gives new meaning to the Big Bang Theory."
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A retired gentleman spent most afternoons at the local golf course. Every day he would spend about 3 hours out on the course, playing a round by himself. When he would return to the clubhouse, the resident pro would inquire about his score.

"Ed, how'd you shoot today?", to which the man would *always*
reply, "Another perfect par."

The golf pro (being of average intelligence) knew that there was no way the old man was shooting straight par every day, but since he was a regular customer, he didn't want to insult the man by accusing him of lying.

Finally, one day, the pro decided to accompany the old man on his daily round, just to see for himself. On the first tee, the older gentleman sliced the ball way off into the rough. He found his ball, but his second shot was even worse.
Finally putting it into the first hole (a par 4) took him 8 swings.
The golf pro thought to himself "I knew it. This old geezer's been lying all this time.
There is no way he is gonna shoot anywhere near par."

They continued on, and the old man's game stayed the same, never once getting a par on any one hole. After almost 3 hours, they teed off on the 13th hole. The old man actually hit it straight down the middle - It was the best shot he had made all day! He promptly walked down the fairway to his ball, picked it up, and began walking back to the clubhouse.

The pro was confused. "Hey, that was a great shot. Where are you going now?"

"Oh, I'm done." the old man replied with a smile, "That shot was number 72 ...another perfect par!"
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Having been married ten years and still living in an apartment, the wife would often complain about anything, as she was tired of saving every penny to buy a "dream home".

Trying to placate her, the husband found a new apartment, within their budget. However, after the first week, she began complaining again.

"Honey," she said, "I don't like this place at all. There are no curtains in the bathroom. The neighbors can see me every time I take a bath".

"Don't worry," replied her husband. "If the neighbors do see you, they'll buy curtains."
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At the end of my first day working at a
24-hour convenience store, a customer walked in and asked, "Is this store open all day, seven days a week, 365 days a year?"

"Yes," I answered, puzzled at the question.

"Well, then," he continued as he walked out, "why are there locks on the doors?"
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I arrived early at the office one morning and noticed that someone had left the lid to the copy machine open.
I closed the lid and settled in for the workday.

Over the next few weeks I found someone was continually leaving the lid up. Finally I caught the guilty party, surprised that I hadn't figured it out before.

The culprit was Richard, the only male on our staff.
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A farmer was out driving late one night when he heard a 'thump' and thought he had hit something.
He stopped and got out of his truck and looked around but did not see anything so he drove on home.

The next day, the local sheriff comes to visit him. The sheriff says, "Did you know you hit a pig while you were out driving last night?' The farmer replies, "Well, I thought I hit something and I stopped but I did not find anything. How do you know it was a pig I hit?"

To which the sheriff replies, "The pig squealed."
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A 12 year old New York girl will pay
2-grand to settle a copyright suit from the record industry.
“This despicable criminal has learned her lesson,” says the label executive of such artists as R Kelly and Snoop Dogg.
(Alan Ray)
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GREAT Monday!!!]
Chuck .....and The Computer

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