REMINDERS:

Labor Day - Mon, Sept 4 - 3 days

Grandparents' Day - Sun, Sep 10 - 9 days

Citizenship day - Sun, Sept 17 - 16 Days

Fall Equinox - Fri, Sept 25 - 19 days
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My sister gave me a 13" TV for my birthday. She had gotten it for free when she bought a used console TV for the living room. The original owners said they didn't use the 13" TV much because it would shut off after a while. After checking out the on-screen menu features, I found there was a sleep timer set for 90 minutes!
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A father is having a problem getting his five-year-old daughter to fall asleep. Finally, she suggests, "Daddy, why don’t you just whisper something into my ear the way you do with Mommy?" The father does just that, and the daughter falls asleep murmuring, "No, not tonight, honey; I’m so tired."
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Easiest way to figure the cost of living: take your income and add ten percent.
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The better we feel about ourselves, the fewer times we have to knock somebody else down to feel tall.
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Unable to take his Spanish royalties out of the country, British novelist W. Somerset Maugham (1874-1965) decided to use the money to pay for a luxury holiday there. He chose one of the best hotels and dined extravagantly every evening, until he felt satisfied that he had spent most of the accumulated sum. He informed the manager that he would be leaving the following day, and asked for his bill. The manager beamed at his distinguished guest. "It has been an honor having you here," he replied. "You have brought much good publicity to us. Therefore, there is no bill."
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Today is a day for dreams. Remember your past, look forward to the future and enjoy the present.
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A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
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Q: What weekly periodical was the first magazine in history to sell a billion copies in a year?

A: TV Guide,in 1974.
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Q: When Gillete first marketed its safety razor at the turn of the century, it sold 20 blades for $1. How much did the razor handle cost?

A: $5.
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It seems universally true that people who have direction in their lives go farther and faster and get more done in all areas of their lives. ~Zig Ziglar~
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When I arrived at the hotel for our wedding reception, I discovered that the bride-and-groom decoration on top of the cake had fallen off and smashed. I was very upset. My mom immediately started phoning to see if anyone in the city had a similar cake top and she found a place in one of the malls. She offered to pick it up, but because it was such an important part of my wedding day, I said I'd go with her. The limousine let us out at the mall. As I held the ten-foot train of my wedding gown in one hand and my headpiece with the other, we made our way to the entrance. An older gentleman held the door open for me, and as I passed, he said: "Couldn't leave the shopping alone even for your wedding day, eh?"
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Two thirds of the world's lawyers are located in the United States. This has led, in some quarters, to occasional suggestions for a new export product.
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A student is floundering during an exam. "Your mind is like a desert, sir," the professor tells him in frustration.

"Every desert has an oasis, professor," the student replies. "But not every camel is able to find it."
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Two men finished a meal and looked at the check put down by the waiter. One man said, "Let's split the check. You wash, I'll dry!"
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"I don't make jokes, "Will Rogers once said truthfully.
"I just watch the government and report the facts."
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Years ago, Uncle Eddie had planted an apple tree and fussed over it as though it was a family pet. Finally it yielded its first solitary apple. My six-year-old brother, Garry, had been eyeing the unripened fruit all day.
Eddie told him that under no circumstances was he to pick it. A short while later Eddie went back to the garden and found Garry sitting on top of the picnic table. "Did you pick that apple?" Eddie asked him.
"Nope," Garry replied. And he hadn't - the core was still attached to the tree.
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If you can play golf and bridge as though they were games, you're just about as well adjusted as you are ever going to be.
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My colleague and I had been discussing how we were going to achieve our goal of losing weight. Leaving the office that evening, I waved and said, "Well, I guess we'll be seeing less of each other."

"Yes," she agreed. "See you lighter."
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Love thy neighbor, and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier.
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A woman might as well propose. Her husband will claim that she did anyway!
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When my husband, Ron, and I were newlyweds, we lived in a small country town where he was a heavy-equipment operator. When his company received a job out of town, Ron's boss telephoned to persuade me to accept the position of camp cook. I explained that I had cooked for small private dinner parties, but never for anything larger than six people at once. "Oh, it's easy to cook for 15 or 20 men," he replied enthusiastically. "All you have to do is use bigger pots."
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To catch a husband is an art; to hold him is a job.
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"Senator Joe Lieberman lost his own parties nomination yesterday. He was beaten by new comer Ned Lamont. Or you might know him as, 'Who?' Wasn't that Fred Sanford's son?" --Jay Leno

"President Bush is beating the August heat the same way he always does -- with a vacation on his ranch in Texas. This will be his shortest vacation since he's taken office. Usually he takes a full month, this time only ten days. I guess he's saving up the personal days so he can skip the last three months of his presidency." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person."
--P. J. O'Rourke
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My father in law and my mother in law were a perfect pair - she knew her purpose in life was to help others and he knew he was others.
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My philosophy professor asked us to describe, in a word, our idea of perfection. One student suggested "omnipotent"; others said "omniscient," "infinite." After a brief silence, a female student in the back of the class suggested "tall!"
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Travel is very educational. It teaches you that enough luggage is too much.
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On a sign advertising a diet program: I lost 40 pounds in two months. Free samples.
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That's the jokes for today and for this week.
Have a GREAT weekend!
Chuck. ... and the Computer

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