REMINDERS:

Fall Equinox Tue, Sep 23 - 4 days

Columbus Day Mon, Oct 13 - 24 days
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JOKES:
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A six-year-old comes crying to his mother because his little sister pulled his hair. "Don't be angry,"
the mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts."

A short while later, there's more crying, and the mother goes to investigate.

This time the sister is bawling and her brother says, "She knows now."
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"Normal" is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work, driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for, in order to get to the job that you need so you can pay for the clothes, car and the house that you leave empty all day in order to afford to live in it.
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Two highway patrolmen stop a driver for speeding on the state highway in Waxahachie, Texas. As they are writing up the ticket, one trooper turns to the other and asks, "How do you spell Waxahachie?"

The other one replies, "I don't know."

"What are we going to do?" the first one asks. "If we spell it wrong, the judge will dismiss the charge."

"Well," says his partner, "why don't we just let him go and stop him again when he gets to Waco?"
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Two young men are speculating on how long they might live, and one says he thinks he has a long life ahead of him. "After all," he says, "my grandfather lived to be 96."

"Ninety-six? What finally got him?" the other man asks.

"Liquor and women."

"Well, that just goes to show you,"
snickers the friend, "both will get you in the end."

"Well actually, no, it's not what you think," says the first man. "Toward the end, Grandpa couldn't get either one, so he just laid down and died."
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Lady of the house: "I want you to stand at the front door and call the guests' names as they arrive."

Butler: "Very well, madam. I've been wanting to do that for years."
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A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind the bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she said, "especially the really tight pants and all of the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What on earth do you mean?"

"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: "Get the quarter back!"
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This was written on a t-shirt one of my customers wore today:

I live in my own little world...but it's okay, they know me here.
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A woman called the Canon help desk because she was having a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows."

The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that's a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his is working just fine."
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Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
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A Little Rock woman was killed yesterday after leaping through her moving car's sunroof during an incident best described as "a mistaken rapture" by dozens of eyewitnesses.

Thirteen other people were injured after a twenty-car pile up resulted from people trying to avoid hitting the woman who was apparently convinced that the rapture was occurring when she saw twelve people floating up into the air, and then passed a man on the side of the road who she claimed was Jesus.

"She started screaming, "He's back! He's back!" and climbed right out of the sunroof and jumped off the roof of the car," said Everet Williams, husband of 28-year-old Georgann Williams who was pronounced dead at the scene.

"I was slowing down but she wouldn't wait till I stopped," Williams said. She thought the rapture was happening and was convinced that Jesus was gonna lift her up into the sky,"
he went on to say.

"This is the strangest thing I've seen since I've been on the force," said Paul Madison, first officer on the scene.

Madison questioned the man who looked like Jesus and discovered that he was dressed up as Jesus and was on his way to a toga costume party when the tarp covering the bed of his pickup truck came loose and released twelve blow up sex dolls filled with helium which floated up into the air.

Ernie Jenkins, 32, of Fort Smith, who's been told by several of his friends that he looks like Jesus, pulled over and lifted his arms into the air in frustration, and said, "Come back here,"
just as the Williams' car passed him, and Mrs. Williams was sure that it was Jesus lifting people up into the sky as they passed by him, according to her husband, who says his wife loved Jesus more than anything else.

When asked for comments about the twelve sex dolls, Jenkins replied "This is all just too weird for me. I never expected anything like this to happen."
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A man suffering from impotence went to see a specialist. The doctor gave him a prescription that he was to take faithfully three times a day, and always with food.

Two days later the man was at a formal banquet and didn't want any of the other guests to spot and possibly identify his pink and purple capsule of medication. So he instructed the waiter to empty the capsule into his soup, thinking he could eat his soup openly with everyone else, take his medication, and preserve his privacy all at the same time.

However, when the soup was served everyone received a bowl of it but the man, who began feeling conspicuous and angry. He confronted the waiter and asked why he hadn't been served his "special" soup.

"Well, sir, I poured your medication into your bowl as instructed.
Since then, I have been waiting for the noodles to lie down."
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The FBI and CIA have just released the name of the woman responsible for locating and turning in Uday and Qusay Hussein.

Turns out it was their sister, Ubitch. In Arabic, that means the same thing it does in English. After she collects the $30 million, Ubitch will be in hiding somewhere in the Caribbean and will be changing her name to Richbitch.
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There was this bank where the employees went on strike leaving the bank officers to do the teller's tasks.
While the strike was on this customer called the bank and asked if they were open. They told her they had two windows open. Then she asked, "Can't I just come though the front door?"
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All my life, when the Western states (Nevada, Arizona, etc)
weather was discussed, I always heard something along the lines of , 'it's hot, but it's a dry heat...' Last year in February, on vacation in Las Vegas, I commented to a lady running a gift shop that it must be unbearable in Las Vegas during August. She responded that it was hot, yes, 110 or more in the shade at its worst, but that it was a dry heat....

Another New Yorker in my group snickered and commented: "So's a blowtorch, lady".
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Mary: It didn't take me long to realize I wanted a divorce from my husband.

Jill: What do you mean?

Mary: His idea of foreplay was waking me up.
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"When you're a parent you're a prisoner of war. You can't go anywhere without paying someone to come and look after your kids.
In the old days, babysitters were paid about 50 cents an hour, and they'd steam clean the carpet and detail your car.

Now they've got their own union.

I couldn't afford it, so I asked my mother to come over. The sitters called her a scab and beat her up on the front lawn."
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He turned his life around.
He used to be depressed and miserable.
Now he's miserable and depressed.

Baseball's all wrong, no one could possibly walk with four balls.

I've finally figured out why you always have that stupid grin on your face ... You're stupid!

I intend to live forever. (So far, so good.)
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The Wisdom of Homer Simpson

"Now son, you don't want to drink beer.
That's for Daddies, and kids with fake IDs."

"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."

"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, "You're making a scene."

"Marge, don't discourage the boy!
Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals!
Except the weasel."

"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."

"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get."

"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed.
That's the American way."
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A sweet young thing is driving around in her red sports car and gets pulled over by the police.

The policeman approaches the car with the ticket and his pen ready and says, "Young lady, you've been driving almost double the speed limit. Give me your name, please."

"Hmmph," says the sweet young thing, looking very irritated. "And what are people supposed to call me then?"
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An old couple were on holiday, and booked a room in a luxury hotel. The only room left to rent was on the top floor, between the lift and the bridal suite.

The next day, the old woman complained to the manager "It's too damn noisy! We didn't get any sleep last night!"

"I'm sorry to hear that, madam." said the manager "What noises kept you awake?"

"Well, on one side of our room, it was 'up and down' all night, and on the other side it was 'in and out'."
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That's the jokes for today and for this week.
Have a GREAT day and a GREAT weekend!!!
Chuck .......and the Computer

C. S. ROLLASON WHOLESALERS

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