REMINDERS:

Fall Equinox Tue, Sep 23 - 8 days

Columbus Day Mon, Oct 13 - 28 days
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JOKES:
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A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a very deep, husky voice,the woman next to him says "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things...
1 - The bartender is a blonde woman.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde woman.
3 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
4 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler,and
5 - I'm a 6 foot, 200 lb. blonde woman with a PhD., a black belt in karate and a very bad attitude!

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says; "Nah...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

(Contributed by "Chuck's Daily" reader, Bill Maurer)
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Twenty-eight years ago, Herman James, a Tennessee mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in boot camp, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon, an Army barber sheared his head.

On his second day, the Army issued him a tooth brush. That afternoon, an Army dentist yanked several of his teeth.

On his third day, he was issued a jock strap...

The Army is still looking for him.
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The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

"Yes," he said. "My dad taught me."

"Good! Can you tell me what comes after three."

"Four," answers little Johnny.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your father did a good job.
What comes after ten?"

"A jack," says little Johnny.
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A Missouri farmer got in his pickup, drove several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the farmhouse door.
A young boy about 12 opened the door.

"Is yer paw home?" the farmer asked.

"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well, said the farmer, is yer maw here?"

"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with paw."

"How about your brother, Joe, is he here?"

"He went with maw and paw."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one.
Or maybe I could take a message fer paw."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "I really wanted to talk to yer paw.
It's about your brother Joe getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to pa about that", he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the boar hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Joe

(Contributed by "Chuck's Daily" reader, Dave Sundy)
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One day the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side. "But,"
said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better than I am, to even it a bit you have to spot me two 'Got yas'."
The golf pro didn't know what a 'Got ya' was, but he went along with it and off they went.

Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were greatly amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100. "What happened?" asked one of the members. "Well,"
said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand up between my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling 'Got ya!' Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'Got ya'?"
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A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate." the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager.
"Here, give me the broom, I'll show you how."
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A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.

The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the dinner the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one-second longer without exploding.
A tiny fart escaped.

"Spot!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet.

Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go.

"Spot!" she called out sharply.

'I've got it made,' thought the fellow to himself. 'One more and I'll feel fine'. So he let loose a really big one.

"Spot!!!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he craps on you!"
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A Few Good Ones

You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for visitors."

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?" The agent replies, "Just a minute..." "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her recipe for chicken casserole is quite efficient. First you boil the chicken in water. And then you dump the stock.

It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position. The husband sits up and begs. The wife rolls over and plays dead.

This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen.
Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?" The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."

A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS!"

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me -- they were cramming for their finals!

I've always wondered why they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . .
write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? [That really makes good sense!]

(Contributed by "Chuck's Daily" reader, Bill Maurer)
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Darling," a husband whispered to his wife late one night, "if I died, would you get married again?"

"I suppose so," she replied.

"Would you sleep in the same bed with him?"

"Well, it's the only bed in the house, so I have no choice."

"Would you make love to him?"

"Honey," the woman said patiently, "he would be my husband."

"Would you give him my car?"

"No," she yawned, "He can't drive a stick shift."
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"Always look out for Number One and be careful not to step in Number Two."

- Rodney Dangerfield
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A young man visited his sister who was married to a farmer in a poor district of the country. Since there were limited accommodations, he was required to sleep with his young nephew.

When the young man came into the bedroom, he saw the little boy kneeling at the side of the bed with his head bowed.
Thinking this was the child's religious upbringing, he decided to present a good example and kneeled at the other side of the bed with his head bowed.

The child looked up and said, "Whatcha doin'?"
"Why, the same thing you're doing", replied the uncle.
"Ma's gonna be mad", said the boy.
"The pot's on this side".
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"A new study shows that licking the sweat off a frog can cure depression. The down side is, the minute you stop licking, the frog gets depressed again."

- Jay Leno
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It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale and some advertising in the local paper were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30 in the morning in front of the store.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses.

On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again.

As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don't open the damn store!"
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ACTUAL MILITARY WARNINGS, can you believe it?

"Aim towards the Enemy." -Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
-U.S. Army

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
U.S.A.F.Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
-Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." -Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." -U.S. Air Force Manual

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." -Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways." -U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." -Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." --Col.
David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." -Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." -Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper ...
once."-Anon

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." -Unknown Army Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." -Your Buddies

(And lastly)

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." --U.S.A. Ammo Troop
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD One!!!
Chuck .......and the Computer

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