REMINDERS:

Fall Equinox Tue, Sep 23 - 11 days
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JOKES:
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Some years ago an Englishman on a plane to Australia was handed one of these immigration / visitation cards to fill out. After the standard questions, like name, nationality, passport number, etc., he got to a question that asked, "Have you ever been imprisoned?"

He pondered it for a minute, then wrote down, "I didn't realize this was still a requirement."
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A gentleman was much surprised when the good-looking young lady greeted him by saying, "Good evening."

He could not remember ever having seen her before. She evidently realized that she had made a mistake, for she apologized, and explained. "Oh, I'm so sorry. When I first saw you I thought you were the father of two of my children."

She walked on while the man stared after her. She did not realize, of course, that he was unaware of the fact she was a schoolteacher.
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A man is celebrating his 100th birthday, so the editor of the local newspaper sends a reporter over to do a feature story on the old timer.

The reporter begins by asking the old tried and true question, "To what do you attribute your longevity?"

"Well, young lady," the gentleman says, "I never smoked, never drank alcoholic beverages or over-ate, and I got up every morning of my life at six o'clock."

"But, I had an uncle who did exactly the same," the reporter says, "and he only lived to be 80. How do you account for that?"

"He didn't keep it up long enough," says the centenarian.
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For our 20th anniversary my husband and I vacationed in Hawaii, where we went snorkeling. After an hour in the water, everyone got back on the boat, except for me and one handsome young man.

As I continued my underwater exploring, I noticed that everywhere I swam, he swam. I snorkeled for another
40 minutes. So did he.

I felt very flattered and, as I took off my fins, asked him coyly why he had stayed in the water for so long.

"I'm the lifeguard," he replied matter-of-factly. "I couldn't get out until you did."
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A small boy told a Sunday school teacher:


"When you die, God takes care of you like your parents did when you were alive — only God doesn't yell at you all the time."
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When a young minister was still single, he preached a sermon he entitled, "Rules for Raising Children."

After he got married and had children of his own, he changed the title of the sermon to "Suggestions for Raising Children."

When his children got to be teenagers, he stopped preaching on that subject altogether.
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A man is having a really bad day on the golf course. By the 14th hole, he's missed one putt too many, and he lets loose with a string of profanities, grabs his putter, and storms off toward the lake by the 15th tee.

"Uh-oh," says his caddie to one of his playing partners, "There goes that club."

"You think so?" said the other golfer. "I've got five bucks says he misses the water."
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It was very windy, and she was only six years old and small for her age. When her mother asked her to clean off the front sidewalk, the wind nearly blew her away.

She picked up the broom countless times, but each time, the wind got the best of her and knocked her over.
Her mother came out a few minutes later to see how she was doing and found her stuffing rocks in her pocket.

"I thought you were cleaning off the sidewalk," her mother said. "What in the world are you doing?"

The child replied: "Now? I weigh me down to sweep."
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The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies, probably because they are generally the same people.
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A man walked into a restaurant and seated himself. Soon, the waitress came over to take his order.

"... and, what would you like to drink?" she asked. The man said he would like coffee.

The waitress promptly returned with a cup of coffee, but spilled it on the man's lap when she stopped at the table. "Oh my God! I am so sorry!"

"That's okay," the man said, sopping up the puddle on his pants with his a napkin. "But tell me, is this regular or decaf?"

"Regular," she replied.

"Oh great... now this thing is gonna be up all night!"
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No Vacancy

Tiger Woods walks into the Masters lobby and asks for a room. The clerk responds, "I am sorry sir we are booked, but there is a hotel about a 4 iron shot down the road."

Tiger says, "But I'm playing in the Master's tomorrow."

The clerk replies again that they are booked, but there is a hotel about a 4 iron down the road.

To this Tiger says, "But I am Tiger Woods!"

The clerk then says, "Oh! I'm sorry...I didn't recognize you. That changes matters a bit. For you it's just a 9 iron shot."
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A man and his wife were planning a vacation. They ended up in an argument, though..."It's 'Hawaii', I'm telling you!" she said.

"I never KNEW someone so stubborn!
'Havaii' is how it's pronounced!" he replied.

And so it went all the way to the vacation...

As they got off the airplane, they passed a man. The husband abruptly stopped the wife and turned to the man to ask, "Now that we're on the island, you can settle an argument between my wife and me. Is this'Hawaii' or 'Havaii?'"

"This is Havaii," the man replied.

"Ha!" the husband gloated, turning to his wife. "See, didn't I tell you never to argue with me? I'm alllll-ways right!"

As they began to walk away, he turned back and gave the man a hearty "Thank you!"

"You're Velcome!!!"
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Nurse: How old are you, Mrs. Smith?


Patient: None of your business.

Nurse: But the doctor must know your age for his records.

Patient: Well, first, multiply twenty by two, then add ten. Got that?

Nurse: Yes. Fifty.

Patient: All right, now subtract fifty, and tell me, what do you get?

Nurse: Zero.

Patient: Right. And that's exactly the chance of me telling you my age.
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Boudreaux and Pierre decided to go to the casino.

Boudreaux told Pierre as they entered, "All right Pierre, we'll meet here in an hour, OK?"

"OK, man," said Pierre.

Well, when they were done, Boudreaux was broke, but Pierre had a bucket full of quarters.

"Man, were you got all 'em quarters?"
asked Boudreaux.

Pierre, leaning close, whispered, "Man, I don't want to say this too loud, but you see that game over there, every time I put in a dollar, it gives me four quarters!"'
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Two pickpockets are out for a walk together one evening. Every now and then, one of them stops, takes out his watch and looks at it.
His companion begins to get annoyed.

"What's up with you?" he says. "Why do you keep looking at your watch? Ain't it workin'?"

"I'm not looking at it to see the time," says the other. "I'm looking at it to make sure that it's still there."
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My Mom got the Amish flu.


First she got a little horse, then she got a little buggy.
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The day I got married was really embarrassing.

When the minister said, "If anyone present doesn't agree with this marriage, speak now or forever hold your peace,"

I turned around and noticed her family had formed a double line.
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“If the elbow had been placed closer to the hand, the forearm would have been too short to bring the glass to the mouth; and if it had been closer to the shoulder, the forearm would have been so long that it would have carried the glass beyond the mouth.” - Benjamin Franklin
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The great novelist had gone insane but now there seemed to be some hope for his recovery. For three months he'd been sitting at a typewriter in his room and pounding out a novel.

At last he announced it was complete and brought it to the leading psychiatrist at the institution who grasped it eagerly and began to read:

"General Jones leaped upon his faithful horse and yelled, 'Giddyup, giddyup, giddyup, giddyup, giddyup, giddyup.'"

Then the doctor thumbed through the rest of his book. "Why, there's nothing here but five hundred pages of 'giddyups,'" he exclaimed.

"Yeah," said the writer. "It was a very stubborn horse."
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ....and the Computer

C. S. ROLLASON WHOLESALERS

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