REMINDERS:

Fall Equinox Tue, Sep 23 - 13 days
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JOKES:
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Flying into a Middle East airport, my co-pilot and I reviewed our flight plan for the trip back to the USS Enterprise. We were to pick up a Navy captain, and experience had taught me that even seasoned vets turn white-knuckled during carrier landings.

Once the captain was strapped in, I turned around to welcome him aboard. "Sir," I asked, "will this be your first carrier landing?"

Looking at me with disdain, he opened his inflatable vest to display gold wings above five rows of ribbons. "Son," he said, "I have over 500 carrier landings in jet fighters."

"That's good to hear," my co-pilot said, winking at me, "because this will be our first."
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Realizing that the time had come for him to stop working so hard, an old blacksmith chose a strong young man to become his apprentice. The young man was full of questions and the old blacksmith was ill-tempered and exacting.
"Don't ask me a lot of questions," grumbled the old man. "Just do whatever I tell you to do!"

One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. "Get the hammer over there," he snapped at the apprentice. "When I nod my head, hit it as hard as you can."

The town is now looking for a new blacksmith.
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Grumbled the new groom at dinner:
"Why can't you make bread like my mother does?"

Answered his bride, "Why can't you make dough like my father does?"
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A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room.

But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there."

"No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet when he gets to the poisons."
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If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
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Did you hear about the scientist who crossed a carrier pigeon with a woodpecker?

He got a bird that not only delivers messages, but knocks on the door when it gets there.
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A vacationer called a seaside hotel to ask its location. "It's only a stone's throw from the beach," he was told.

"But how will I recognize it?" asked the man.

Came the reply: "It's the one with all the broken windows."
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Gentlemen, if your wife doesn't feel well, do something special to speed her recovery -- offer to help with the housework.

If you don't think there's such a thing as a miracle recovery, wait till you see your wife get well again as soon as you start to vacuum the windows.
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Betty: I'm going to be an airline flight attendant because it's a wonderful way to meet lots of men.

Jill: There are plenty of other jobs where you could meet men.

Betty: Maybe so, but they wouldn't be strapped in their seats.
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We tried it on the sofa, We tried it on the chair, We tried it on the kitchen counter but, we couldn't get it there, We tried it this way and that way she really made me laugh, to see how many ways she could take my photograph.
(SUCH A DIRTY MIND YOU HAVE)
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When Jock moved to London, he constantly annoyed his English acquaintances by boasting about how great Scotland was.

Finally, in exasperation, one said, "Well, if Scotland's so marvelous, how come you didn't stay there?"

"Well," explained Jock "they're all so clever up there I had to come down here to have any chance of making it at all."
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A man came up with a new invention, a vibrating tampon.

That way a woman can be at her best, when she is at her worst.
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A Scotsman is working at a sewerage. It's a warm day, so he takes off his jacket and drapes it over a handrail
- where it slips off into a vast tank of shit!

He's just about to dive in when his mate shouts, "It's nae guid tae do that, the jacket's ruined!"

He replies, "Aye, ah ken, but ma sandwiches are in the pocket!"
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We've all been lost and depended on our wives to act as navigator.

Well, not long ago, Jill, her face buried in a map book, said, "Turn here!"

John did, and didn't notice the "No Left Turn" sign.

Just his luck, a policeman was nearby and stopped him. He tried to explain that they were lost, and he was following his wife's directions.

He issued John a ticket for "Driving Under the Influence of Wife."
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Did you hear about the blonde virgin that had many opportunities to get laid?

She blew every one of them.
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What's more dangerous than a water moccasin?

A Yankee in a U-haul, headed south!
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S*e*x 101

Did you hear about the new course you can take at school?
Yes, Intercourse - you go between periods and you are expected to come.
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck .....and the Computer

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