REMINDERS:

Labor Day - Mon, Sep 5 - 5 days

Grandparents' Day - Sun, Sep 11 - 11 days

Patriot Day - Sun, Sep 11 - 11 days

Fall Equinox - Thu, Sep 11 - 22 days
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JOKES:
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If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer. If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer.
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An acquaintance seated next to R.J. Wrigley on a flight to Chicago asked the multimillionaire why he continued to advertise his chewing gum when it was far and away the most successful product in its field. Wrigley replied, "For the same reason that the pilot keeps this plane's engines running even though we're already in the air."
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OFFICE SIGN

"In case of fire, leave the building with the same reckless abandon that you do at quitting time."
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A disgruntled customer returned to our store a few days after she had bought a cordless phone from me. She demanded her money back. "What seems to be wrong with it?" I asked.

"It cuts out every time I get about two or three blocks away from my house," she replied.

"Perhaps," I suggested, "I could interest you in a cellular phone instead?"
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While on their vacation in Nevada, a young married couple, picnicking by a stream, were surprised by a stampeding herd of wild donkeys. One of the jacks attacked the husband, knocking him down. The animal was standing over him about to inflict serious injury when the courageous young wife drove off the dangerous beast with repeated blows from an umbrella.

Later on, they related the incident to the manager of the hotel where they were staying.
He said that it would make a good story for the local gazette. In due time they returned home to California; a week later they received a copy of the Nevada weekly which contained the story of their adventure.

Flabbergasted, the young couple read the following headline: "Bride Beats Ass Off Husband With Umbrella!"
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A consultant is a man who knows a 147 ways to make love, but doesn't know any women.
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When my son was around 4 years old, he went to the local drug store with me one afternoon.
While in the check out he noticed a bald-headed man behind us in line. I had, as good moms do, been teaching him how to use good manners, especially when in public. I noticed the man the same time my son did and just prayed that he would remember what I had taught him.

Within seconds, at an unusually quiet moment in the store, my son proclaimed, "Look mama, that man ain't got no hair!" The man was understanding, even thinking this was cute so he smiled at my son.

Next, without warning, my son shouted, "And look, he ain't got no teeth either!!"

I couldn't get out of there fast enough. To make this even worse, while in the parking lot, the man walked over and spoke very kindly to my son. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his false teeth, and said, "I do have my teeth, I just haven't brushed yet."

My son has never had a cavity and he is now twenty years old. I guess some lessons are learned in the oddest ways.
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After concluding an impassioned sales spiel for the latest model, the car salesman paused to let it sink in. "Any questions?" he asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the prospect. "How come the $26,000 sticker price you're asking is modest, and the $400 rebate you're offering is substantial?"
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BEST out of office messages:


1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

7. I've run away to join a different circus.

8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Margaret' instead of 'Jay'.
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In our high-tech computer firm, Janice, who keeps track of equipment, receives numerous calls from salesmen across the United States.
They all try to build a rapport with her and often waste time with stories and friendly comments.
On a particularly busy day, one salesman started to tell Janice a joke. "Do you know the definition of eternity?" he asked.

"Talking to a salesman?" she suggested.
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Not expecting to do well on the economics exam, Bill was heartened by the first question:
In any given year, and to the nearest ton, how much wheat did the United States export?

Smiling confidently, he wrote, "In 1492, none."
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At the electronics company where I used to work, our sales representative was showing prospective customers around the plant. As he led the group into the test department, a circuit board suddenly flew across the room, thrown by a quick-tempered technician frustrated in his attempts to repair it. The board crashed off a wall and landed right at our visitors' feet.

Our sales rep calmly continued his pitch: "As you can see, all our products are fully shock-and vibration-tested before leaving the factory."
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Duck decoys, fishing rods, boots -- outdoor gear of all kinds was piled high in the garage. One day I found my wife staring at the mess. "I hope I die first, so I don't have to get rid of all this,"
she sighed.

"Look on the bright side," I suggested. "If I go first, you can put an ad in the paper. When all the men come by to check out the stuff, you can pick out a replacement for me."

Still staring at the pile, she said, "Nah. He wouldn't be my type."
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On holiday in the Rockies, I noticed a book about Lake Louise at several bookstores. As my father had worked at Chateau Lake Louise in 1924, I bought a copy for his birthday. After we gave it to him, he flipped through the pages and stopped at a picture of the Chateau fire of
1924. "I remember that," he remarked. "We fought the fire for 24 hours. The furniture on the lawn was what we carried out." Then he took a closer look at a young man in the middle of the picture, drinking coffee. "In fact," he said, "there I am!"
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A good friend was waiting nearby while his young son prayed silently before going to bed.
Suddenly the boy burst out laughing.

"Reggie!" scolded his father, "Why are you laughing during prayer?"

"But Dad," the boy answered, "you told me that prayer is talking to God as to a friend, and I just told him a joke."
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one....
Chuck ...... and the Computer

 

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