REMINDERS:

Labor Day - Mon, Sep 5 - 6 days

Grandparents' Day - Sun, Sep 11 - 12 days

Patriot Day - Sun, Sep 11 - 12 days

Fall Equinox - Thu, Sep 11 - 23 days
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JOKES:
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A very small boy was in New York City for the first time. His father took him on an elevator to the top of a skyscraper. After they had shot skyward thirty stories at breathtaking speed, the little boy asked timidly, "Daddy, does God know we're coming?"
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When the employees of a restaurant attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a fire official demonstrate the proper way to operate an extinguisher.

"Pull the pin like a hand grenade," he explained, "then press the trigger to release the foam."

Later an employee was selected to extinguish a controlled fire in the parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot to pull the pin.

The instructor hinted, "Like a hand grenade, remember?"

In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin ...
and hurled the extinguisher at the blaze.
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Middle age is when you are warned to slow down by a doctor instead of a policeman.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

An escalator never breaks . . . it only becomes stairs.

When you get older, lack of pep is often mistaken for patience.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

What will today's younger generation tell their children they had to do "without"?

If you're doing the speed limit, you're in the way.

18 out of 10 schizophrenics agree.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Bumper Sticker: Excuse me for driving so closely in front of you.

Today is the last day of your life, so far.

No man really becomes a fool until he stops asking questions.

People never grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

One half of the world will never understand the other half and it doesn't matter which half you're in.

I've discovered the whole problem with the National Debt. Most of us work 5 days a week and the government spends 7.

You'll notice that a turtle only makes progress when it sticks out its neck.

No matter how bad it gets, I'm rich at the dollar store.

The tongue must be heavy indeed, because so few people can't hold it.

The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't.

If you want to know more about paranoids, follow them around.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

The reason Las Vegas is so crowded is that no one has the plane fare to leave.
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My wife and I were in a church service. There was an older gentleman in the audience near the front who would periodically interject a "Praise God" or "Amen, brother." During the sermon, the pastor began speaking about Solomon and mentioned his 700 wives and concubines when the old man said, "Lord have mercy."
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One year we gave our son some brand new Levi jeans. Not the fancy stone washed or the ones that come with bullet holes already in them but the good old heavy-duty denim jeans that we all know and love. He went in the bathroom to try them on and came out walking stiff legged.

My wife asked "What's wrong?"

He said, "Now I know why cowboys walk like this."
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My family has a tradition of naming the cruise control on our cars. We were used to hearing my father proclaim, "Take it, Max," as he flipped on the cruise control during long trips in our station wagon.

Recently, I was traveling with my parents in their new car when we hit a wide-open expanse of highway. My dad leaned back and said, "I think I'll let Tom drive for a while."

"Tom who?" I asked.

My mother translated for me: "Tom Cruise, of course."
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Never throw a brick straight up. Don't take long naps while driving. Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them. Your body has the correct number of holes in it. Don't make any more. When using an acetylene torch, don't feel the flame to see if it's sufficiently hot. No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo.
When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards, press on the flat end. When you find a prize in a box of "Crackerjacks" there is no need to report it on your income tax return. April 1st is Your special high holy day.
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If you're a cop...Ways NOT To Start Your Police Report:

1. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times ...

2.The names contained in this report have been changed to protect the innocent ...

3.The mayor then made an illegal left hand turn onto Mulraney at which point I opened fire ...

4.Before I get into the details, I've got a few "shout- outs" for my homeys in the command staff ...

5. It was so dark and wet that night you could almost eat the mist. The radio call penetrated the eerie silence with such piercing intensity that for a moment, I was sure I'd lost my mind ...

6.Got call. Responded. Arrested bad guy. The end.

7.Mye pertnar an eye wher on petrol wen we seen a man act suspishushly...

8.The suspect then tried to assault me by repeatedly slamming his face into my fist ...

9.A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away ...
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A man goes into a fish n chip shop with a salmon under his arm. He asks 'Do you sell fish cakes here?' 'No' was the reply.

'Shame, it's his birthday.'
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TACT: The art of thinking twice before saying nothing.

DEFINITION: A skunk: An animal that averts danger by using its common scents.

DEFINITION: A joint checking account is one that lets a wife beat her husband to the draw.
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"My girlfriend has a weird deformity. One of her breasts is larger than the other two." --Dwight York "There was a rumor that Lisa Marie Presley has sold Graceland. Luckily it turned out not to be true. I'm glad she didn't sell it. I was so afraid the new buyers would turn it into some kind of gaudy, tacky tourist attraction." --Jay Leno
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Volvo has unveiled an auto designed by women for women called the YCC, 'Your Concept Car.' Among its cutting-edge femifeatures:

- Turn signals that are able to change their mind at the last minute.

- An OnStar satellite tracking system that can locate, on command, all retail outlets within
500 miles
- Permanent press fenders.

- A dashboard voice console that's programmed to ask strangers for directions.

- Side mirrors that make the driver appear slimmer than she actually is.
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ALL ABOUT WOMEN

Women especially love a bargain. The question of 'need' is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.

Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you 'just don't understand'.

Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.

Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.

Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.

Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey type shows are so successful.
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Volvo has unveiled an auto designed by women for women called the YCC, 'Your Concept Car.' Among its cutting-edge femifeatures:

-Turn signals that are able to change their mind at the last minute.

-An OnStar satellite tracking system that can locate, on command, all retail outlets within
500 miles
-Permanent press fenders.

-A dashboard voice console that's programmed to ask strangers for directions.

-Side mirrors that make the driver appear slimmer than she actually is.
**********************************
That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ....... and the Computer

 

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