REMINDERS:

Tennis -USA Open Begins Mon, Aug 29 - 0 days

Labor Day - Mon, Sep 5 - 7 days

Grandparents' Day - Sun, Sep 11 - 13 days

Patriot Day - Sun, Sep 11 - 13 days

Fall Equinox - Thu, Sep 11 - 24 days
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JOKES:
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"We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime. By the time I was
14, I owned my own home."

Gene Perret
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A long time submariner, I thought I'd heard every possible description of a submerged operation until a group of teachers toured our attack submarine in San Diego.

One woman asked the petty officer what it's like steering a submarine underwater with only sonar for guidance. "Well, ma'am," he answered, "if you painted your car's windshield black, then drove down the freeway by listening out your window, it would be pretty close."
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When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for himself:
Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work.

I promptly added: "Send Michelle money every month."

A few days later my brother wrote: "Make payments on car for Jason."

Then my boyfriend joined in with: "Buy Tom a Jeep."

Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: "Wean kids."
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* Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.

* Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.

* The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.

* Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.

* First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing some- thing else.

* Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.

* The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.

* Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.
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My mom, sisters and I had just had a lovely dinner out, but when we returned to our car, we discovered it wouldn't start. The battery was dead. We opened the hood, even though not one of us knew a thing about cars, and gazed at its incomprehensible innards. A gentleman driving by asked if he could help.

"It won't start," my mom said. "We left the headlights on."

"Don't worry," he replied, "I have booster cables. What side is the battery on?"

We all turned back to the engine and tried desperately to locate the battery. Not wanting to admit defeat, Mom ventured: "It doesn't have a battery. It runs on gas."
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Women smile eight more times than men throughout the day. Interestingly women live eight years longer on average than men. That's one year for every grin.
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A lawyer was walking down the street and saw an auto accident. He rushed over, started handing out business cards, and said, "I saw the whole thing. I'll take either side."
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Variety is the spice of life, but monotony provides the groceries.
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"As a child, a library card takes you to exotic, faraway places. When you're grown up, a credit card does it."
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The chairman of the board called his director in to tell him the good news: He was being promoted to vice-president of Corporate Research and Planning. Of course the director was thrilled, but that didn't stop him from asking for his new title to be changed to vice-president of Corporate Planning and Research. "Why" asked the chairman.
"Because," the new VP said, "our organizational charts list names with abbreviated job titles, and I don't want to be known as Robert E. Reuter, VP of CRAP!"
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Three things in life are certain....taxes, death, and data loss.
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This fall, the University of Calgary is offering a class for fourth-year students titled "Computer Viruses and Mailware," in which students will write and test their own viruses.

The move has touched off a wave of criticism within the antivirus community. "I don't see there to be any educational value at all," said Thaddeus Apsidal, a former computer science professor at Calgary. "You don't teach students how to shoot someone so they understand what happens when somebody gets shot."
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Take heart, the only person who always got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.
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Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them.

May you be too good for the world and not good enough for your wife.

May you grow so rich your widow's second husband never has to worry about a living, God forbid.

May you live happily ever after with a poor, ugly, shrewish wife.

May you never leave your marriage alive.

May your wife be a witch who takes after her mother, and may you all live together in a one-room house.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. --H.L. Mencken My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, And so made sure that she would stay, In better spirits night and day.

My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm lucky to have them.
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Q: What's the biggest advantage of speed-reading?

A: You can take a sh*t in half the time.
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ........ and the Computer

 

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