REMINDERS:

Tennis -USA Open Begins Mon, Aug 29 - 3 days

Labor Day - Mon, Sep 5 - 10 days

Grandparents' Day - Sun, Sep 11 - 16 days

Patriot Day - Sun, Sep 11 - 16 days
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JOKES:
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I was walking across the parking lot at the store the other day when a woman walked up to me and asked for directions to the post office. I gladly gave her the best directions possible, and she was grateful. Maybe a little too grateful. As she thanked me, it was almost in the same breath that she began witnessing to me, asking if I knew the Lord:

Lady: Do you know the Lord?

Me: Not personally.

Lady: (cutting me off) Do you believe He is our one true Savior? Will you dwell in the Lord's house in Heaven in your afterlife?

Me: I'd like to think so.

Lady: Well, would you come to church with me this Sunday and let me show you the road to eternal salvation and the gates of Heaven?

Me: No, I don't think so, thanks.

Lady: (taken aback) Well, why not?

Me: Lady, you can't even find the post office!
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People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.
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My husband is an Army helicopter pilot. and we never seem to live in one place for very long.
Typically, during a move, we stay in a hotel until we can find a permanent place to have our things delivered. Our four children enjoy this greatly, although sometimes it can be a bit confusing for them. One recent day, as we were driving down an interstate and passed a Holiday Inn, our three-year-old squeaked in excitement from the backseat.

"Look," he exclaimed. "There's our old house!"
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If the cops arrest a mime, do they have to inform him of his right to remain silent?
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Advice to career-minded women:


Look like a girl, think like a man, act like a lady, and work like a dog.
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Who was the greatest financier in Biblical times?

Noah, he had all the stocks while everyone else was drowning in liquidation.
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Where's an elephant's sex organs?


In it's feet.

If it steps on you you're fu*ked.
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New Medications

Prestidigitalis: a cure-all..works like magic!

Sexcedrin: what to give someone who says, "Not tonight, Dear; I have a headache."

Ropadopamine: retards brain damage from blows to the head.

Hisalavista: say bye-bye to those allergies.

Milk of Amnesia: for the new mother to help forget birth trauma.

Non-interferon: black-market drug often slipped to unsuspecting in-laws.

Testsoteroni: a hormonal supplement eaten as pasta.

Aestheominophen: You don't feel any better, but you look fabulous.

Mazeltoff: Won't cure anything, but you may win the lottery.

Silliconia: A cream imported from Romania to increase breast size.
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The Top 28 Side Effects of the Heat Wave

28> For the first time since you said, "I do,"
your wife is as hot as she was on that first date at the drive-in.

27> New York Mets attendance up 75 percent due to the cool breeze generated by their swinging bats.

26> Dozens of people nationwide briefly consider moving to North Dakota.

25> It's now okay for hairy-backed, portly middle-aged men to wear Speedos at the beach.

Just kidding! It'll *never* be that hot.

24> Mrs. Spears-Federline trades in her usual demure attire for something skimpier.

23> People become so dehydrated and delirious they think Chevy Chase is still funny.

22> That week-old Big Mac under the driver's seat is actually warmer than it was when you bought it.

21> Dennis Rader set free if he promises to B, T and K anyone who asks, "Is it hot enough for ya?"

20> According to a White House spokesman, it's the sole cause of the profuse sweating on Karl Rove's forehead.

19> Tom Cruise can barely muster the energy to get up slowly from a couch.

18> Higher ambient temperatures make for improved combustion characteristics in rectal-thrust experiments. In layman's terms, fireballs from lit farts are bigger.

17> Satan quickly organizes a Pink Floyd reunion to cool down a sweltering Hell.

16> The ice cream man is suddenly dripping with bling.

15> New feminine-hygiene products with baking soda cause women with yeast infections to sprout embarrassing, spontaneous crotch- muffins.

14> Instead of vowing to return to the moon, NASA vows to return to the pool at the Motel 6 in Titusville, Fla.

13> Michael Jackson is immersed in liquid nitrogen to keep his face from melting.

12> Sleeper al-Qaeda cells throughout the Midwest call off planned terrorist attacks because Des Moines now reminds them too much of home.

11> Birdbaths across the nation now full of avian chowder.

10> As the boss's icy exterior melts, employees use the hall outside Martha Stewart's office as a giant Slip 'n' Slide.

9> Madonna has switched to an ice cream-cone bra.

8> Bad news: Your cat's severely dehydrated.
Good news: No need to buy new Swiffers this week.

7> You're making a killing on eBay selling articles of clothing with sweat stains that look like the Sea of Galilea.

6> Corn spontaneously starts popping -- even the undigested kernels you ate yesterday.

5> White House staffers keep cool by passing around a towel containing Karl Rove's heart.

4> Ben Affleck gets invited to parties just so people can stand near the coolness of his career.

3> Melting silicone causes the Playboy mansion to echo with the sound of breasts slapping against knees.

2> Seventeen sweltering cheerleaders spent from practice, and only four Bomb Pops left in the cooler. Today, my friend, is the day dropping out of college to drive an ice cream truck finally pays off.

1> Your inflatable girlfriend catches fire during re-entry.
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A group of sterile monks in white robes were circling a large urn containing flowers, chanting, raising their hands, bowing to the urn, and performing some kind of ritual on one young member of the group. It appeared to be a vase sect to me.
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A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.

"Hello," said the little boy.

"Hi," replied the little girl.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home," she answered.

"Me too," he replied. "I'm also on my way home from church." "Which church do you go to?" he asked.

"I go to the Baptist church back down the road,"
she replied. "What about you?"

"I go to the Catholic church back at the top of the hill," he replied.

They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together.

They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.

"If I get my new Sunday dress wet my Mom's going to skin me alive," she said.

"My Mom'll tan my hide too if I get my new Sunday suit wet," he replied.

"I tell you what I think I'll do," said the little girl.
"I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across."

"That's a good idea," replied the little boy. "I'm going to do the same thing with my suit."

So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet.
They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on when the little boy finally remarked, "You know, I never did realize before just how much difference there really is between a Baptist and a Catholic."
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A woman walked into a drugstore and headed to the back to speak to the pharmacist. "Do you have anything for hiccups?" she asked.
Without warning, the pharmacist reached over and gave the woman a sharp smack on the shoulder. "Did that help?" he inquired. "I don't know," the startled woman replied. "I'll have to ask my husband. He's waiting in the car."
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Jazz is five guys playing different songs. And rap? They left the "C" off the front of that word.
**********************************
That's the jokes for today and for this week.
Have a GREAT weekend!!!
Chuck ........ and the Computer

 

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