REMINDERS:

Tennis -USA Open Begins Mon, Aug 29 - 4 days

Labor Day - Mon, Sep 5 - 11 days

Grandparents' Day - Sun, Sep 11 - 17 days

Patriot Day - Sun, Sep 11 - 17 days
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JOKES:
.......
A teacher was giving out an assignment for the night. I want you to think of a sentence with the word pistol in it, and then tell me tomorrow.

The next day, she was calling on people. Sally, can you give me a sentence with pistol in it. My dad's a police officer, and he uses a pistol.

Very good! Johnny, do you have a sentence?

My dad's a security guard, and he uses a pistol.

Very good! George do you have a sentence?

Yes I do George said. My dad went to the hospital for a kidney stone, and he couldn't pistol Monday.
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A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.

"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.

"What did he say?" asked the nurse.
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While trying to explain to our six-year-old daughter how much technology had changed, my husband pointed to our brand-new personal computer and told her that when he was in college, a computer with the same amount of power would have been the size of a house.

Wide-eyed, our daughter asked, "How big was the mouse?"
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A Sunday school teacher asked her students to draw a picture of Jesus' family. After the pictures were brought to her, she saw that some of the youngsters had drawn the conventional pictures, the family and the manger, the family riding on the mule, and so on.

But she called up one little boy to ask him to explain his drawing, which showed an airplane with four heads sticking out of the windows.
She said, "I can understand you drew three of the heads to show Joseph, Mary and Jesus.
But who's the fourth head?"

"Oh," answered the boy, "that's Pontius the pilot!"
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Sergeant: "Did you give the prisoner the third degree?"

Officer: "Yeah, we browbeat him, asking every question we could."

Sergeant: "And did you get a confession?"

Officer: "Not exactly. All he said was, 'Yes Dear,' and dozed off."
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Becoming a grandparent is a second chance.
For you have a chance to put to use all the things you learned the first time around and may have made mistakes on. It's all love and no discipline. There's no thorn in this rose.
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The start of the new school term always brings out the most interesting questions for computer consultants on campus. The predominant questions this term pertain to "getting into"
E-mail and how to access the "Information Highway."

An obviously distraught student came into the consulting office yesterday complaining that his E-mail wasn't working; his attempts to get tickets for an on-campus concert kept resulting in returned mail.

He showed me the mail address he was attempting to reach. I asked him where he obtained such an unusual mail address.

He replied, "The sign told me, 'begins@7:30 P.M.'"
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Lines that Work Every Time!!!!


1. Hi, I need your help! My mom says that if I don't get a date by tomorrow, she's putting me up for adoption.

2. Baby, I'm an American Express lover.... you shouldn't go home without me!

3. Help the homeless. Take me home with you.

4. Congratulations! You've been voted "Most Beautiful Girl In This Room" and the grand prize is a night with me!
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The Top 5 Brady Bunch Secrets

5> Alice was almost fired in the first season after being caught washing little Bobby a bit too carefully.

4> "Sam the Butcher" actually nicknamed by FBI crime lab.

3> "Please, Dad, no! Not the wire hanger!"

2> When off duty, Alice preferred to be called Al.

and the number 1 Brady Bunch secret...

1> Marcia, Marcia, Marcia? Pregnant, pregnant, pregnant.
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he Humor of the Famous

[1] Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

[2] I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." - Eleanor Roosevelt

[3] Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain

[4] The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. - George Burns

[5] Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge

[6] Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain

[7] What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce. - Mark Twain

[8] By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates

[9] I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx

[10] My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante

[11] The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. - Jilly Cooper

[12] I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

[13] Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine

[14] Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. - Mark Twain

[15] My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. Ed Furgol

[16] Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan

[17] What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. - Henny Youngman

[18] I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. - Mark Twain

[19] Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up. - Joe Namath

[20] Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. - Herbert Henry Asquith

[21] I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope

[22] I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. -W.C. Fields

[23] We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers

[24] Don't worry about avoiding temptation... as you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill

[25] Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.. but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. - Phyllis Diller

[26] The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out. - Unknown

[27] By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal
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The boss joined a group of his workers at the coffee urn and told a series of jokes he'd heard recently. Everybody laughed loudly.
Everybody, that is, except Mike.

When he noticed that he was getting no reaction from Mike, the boss said, "What's the matter, Mike? No sense of humor?"

"My sense of humor is fine," he said. "But I don't have to laugh. I'm quitting tomorrow."
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The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson. "Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?" she asked the instructor. "P-u-t-t- is correct," he replied. "Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."
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In the days of the Old West, bar fights would often spill over into the street and before anyone knew what happened, it was a full-scale riot. In one such town, the Mayor wired the Texas Rangers for help. On the next train, a Ranger gets off and is greeted by the astonished Mayor. "They only sent one Ranger ???"

The Ranger straightened his hat, brushed the dust from his coat, and replied, "Y'all only got one riot, right?"
**********************************
That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ..... and the Computer

 

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