REMINDERS:

Tennis -USA Open Begins Mon, Aug 29 - 5 days

Labor Day - Mon, Sep 5 - 12 days

Grandparents' Day - Sun, Sep 11 - 18 days

Patriot Day - Sun, Sep 11 - 18 days
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JOKES:
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Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs and the universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the universe is winning.
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"I have no luck with women. I once went on a date and asked the woman if she'd brought any protection. She pulled a switchblade on me."

Scott Roeben
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There are two types of roads in this country.
One is under construction and the other is under repair.
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My boss is without peer when it comes to the rules and regulations that customs officials must follow. But when it comes to the law, well, that's a different story.

We were attending a court case in which we were prosecuting a smuggler.

The judge asked the court, "Who is making these allegations?"

My boss stood up and proclaimed, "I am the alligator, Your Honor."
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While traveling through Wyoming one winter day, I was experiencing what's called a "horizontal blizzard." The snow that had fallen the day before was blowing across the road.
When I stopped for fuel, I remarked on the condition to a man at the gas station. He obviously was a local who had seen a lot of winters.

"Yeah," he said, nodding. We don't get much snow, but what we do get, we use a lot."
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One woman says to another, "I can't understand why you haven't gone to see that new gynecologist yet!"

"My gynecologist is fine. I don't need to change."

"But the new one's so young and handsome, while your gynecologist is so old!"

The other woman replies with a smile, "Yeah, I know. His hands shake all the time!"
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When my children received the video of Cinderella as a summer gift, they watched it almost non-stop for three days. Since it was warm outside, we kept the windows open.

Our neighbors were having their roof re-shingled by three burly men. As I went out to get the mail one afternoon, I heard a roofer singing, "...put it together and what do you get?"

From the other side of the house came a chorus of two more husky voices:

"Bibbidi bobbidi, bibbidi bobbidi, bibbidi, bobbidi boo!"
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A young boy comes running down the street looking for a cop.

He finds one and then begs, "Please, officer, come back to the bar with me - my father's in a fight. " Well, they get back to the bar and there's three guys fighting like you wouldn't believe!

After a while, the cop turns to the kid and says, "Okay, which one's your father."

The kid looks up at the cop and says, "I don't know, officer, that's what they're fighting about."
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An FBI agent was talking to a bank teller after the bank was robbed for the third time by the same bandit.

"Did you notice anything special about the man?" he asked.

"Yes, he seems better dressed each time," the teller replied.
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A talkative golfer complained to a friend one day about a rude fellow who was in the clubhouse with him.

"The man must have yawned four or five times while I was talking," he said.

"Maybe he wasn't yawning," the friend commented. "Maybe he was trying to say something."
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A third grader went home and told her mother she was in love with a classmate and was going to marry him.

"That's fine" said her mother, going along with the gag. "Does he have a job?"

The little girl replied, "Oh, yes. He erases the blackboard in our class."
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"What's your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary on the first day of the new academic year.

"He's a magician, Ma'am" said the new boy.

"How interesting. What's his favorite trick?"

"He saws people in half."

"Gosh! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?"

"One half brother and two half sisters."
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In one class, the Professor asked anyone to explain how they would measure the height of a building using an Aneroid Barometer.

One student, short of knowledge but long on ingenuity replied, "I would lower the barometer on a string and measure the string."
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If the left side of your brain controls the right side of your body, then only left-handed people are in their right mind.
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Cadillac announced today that they are coming out with a line of Cadillac bicycles.

Now that's when you know the price of gas is getting too high.

When Cadillac starts making bicycles!
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"President Bush nominated John Bolton as the new ambassador to the U.N. He did it while the Senate was in recess. Democrats say President Bush circumvented the system to get his way. And President Bush says that's ridiculous. I've never circumvented anything, I'm not even Jewish." ---Jay Leno
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It's so hot this morning I just couldn't face having coffee. I had to go to 7-Eleven and get a bladder and a half of Diet Coke.
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Did you hear that South Korea has cloned a dog? True story, and they named him Snuppy for "Seoul National University puppy, but we know they just they misspelled Snoopy--hey give them credit, the mutt's name could've ended up being Sroopy). Anyway, I called to talk to their lead researcher, Woo Suk-hwang and sent me a written statement stating the following:

"The dog has characteristics similar to human beings. Some of their diseases are almost the same as human diseases. So [dog clones] could be very valuable in finding technologies useful for curing human diseases. This is our main research call."

"That may be true, Mr. Woo Suk," I stated, "but isn't it also true that when you were deciding which animal to clone, one of your subordinates, I believe his name is Fi Do Chew, said, "Ret's crone a dog. They taste good.'?"

"You damn Amelicans! Ping chong! Cha Ching!
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ........ and the Computer

 

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