REMINDERS:

Tennis -USA Open Begins Mon, Aug 29 - 6 days

Labor Day - Mon, Sep 5 - 13 days

Grandparents' Day - Sun, Sep 11 - 19 days

Patriot Day - Sun, Sep 11 - 19 days
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JOKES:
.......
We delivered our child by natural childbirth, the procedure invented by a man named Lamaze, the Marquis de Lamaze, a disciple of Dr. Josef Mengele, who concluded that women could counteract the incredible pain of childbirth by breathing.

That's like asking a man to tolerate a vasectomy by hyperventilating
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The minister arose to address his congregation. "There is a certain man among us today who is flirting with another man' wife.
Unless he puts five dollars in the collection box, his name will be read from the pulpit."

When the collection plate came in, there were nineteen five-dollar bills, and a two-dollar bill with this note attached: Other three on payday."
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I bought a box of self-improvement tapes-- "How To Handle Disappointment."

I got it home and the box was empty.
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A new bride who was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time.

He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"
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Prayer for Husbands

Dear God, Keep our wives from shopping sprees and protect them from bargains they do not need and bargains they cannot afford. Lead them not into temptation, for they know NOT what they do!

Prayer for Wives Almighty Father, Keep our Husbands from looking at other women and comparing them to us. Save them from making fools of themselves in cafés and nightclubs. Above all, please do NOT forgive their trespasses for they know EXACTLY what they do.
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I've killed so many plants. Walked into a nursery once and my face was on a wanted poster.
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A young couple had identical twin sons and nearly everyone had a heck of a time telling them apart.

An aunt asked the mom if she had any problems distinguishing the two lads.

The mother replied, "No, I can tell them apart by their balls. One bawls all night, the other bawls all day!"
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Joe Louis, the great heavyweight champion, believed that he would lose a fight for sure if his right glove was put on and tied before the left one.

Satchel Paige was convinced that an axle-grease rubdown of his arm allowed him to pitch nine innings every day.

They called Lou Skizas, a major-league outfielder in the late '50s with New York and Kansas City, "The Nervous Greek." He used to rub an Orthodox medal in his back pocket between pitches.

Tito Fuentes, a second baseman in the '60s for San Francisco, paid a visit to a witch doctor to cure a shoulder ailment.

Mike Cuellar, the Orioles pitcher from the early '70s, insisted that the baseball be sitting on the mound when he went out to pitch. He refused to accept it from a player or umpire.

Pitcher Turk Wendell had to brush his teeth between every inning. He also had to eat four pieces of licorice every inning.

Patrick Roy admitted to talking to his goalposts.
Another hockey player, Bruce Gardiner, dipped his hockey stick in the toilet before going out to play.

Golfer Paul Azinger marks his ball with a penny, always heads up, and always with Lincoln looking at the hole. Jack Nicklaus always carries three coins in one pocket. And Mark Wiebe only used coins minted in the '60s, because that's what he intended to score.

When Goran Ivanisevic won Wimbledon in
2001, he made the ball boys and ball girls retrieve the same ball every time he served an ace, while refusing to use balls which he had just used to serve a fault.
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"I've got this thing for tall, lean men," said the new coder at the software company. "That Mike in sales is certainly a long tall drink of water."

"I hate to bust your bubble honey," replied the office veteran, "but for a long tall drink of water, he's got an awful short straw."
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I love being a woman because you can cry, and you get to wear cute clothes. It must be great, or so many men wouldn't be doing it.
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I got into an argument with my girlfriend inside a tent. A tent is not a good place for an argument. I tried to walk out on her and had to slam the flap.
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A kid comes home from school crying to his father. "They beat me up again, dad. They laughed at me. They keep telling me I have a big head."

And his father says, "You don't have a big head. Now just go back to school and forget about it."

The next day the kid comes home again, crying. "Dad, they won't let up on me. They keep laughing at me and they keep telling me I got a big head."

And his dad says, "Now, listen - I'm sick of hearing about this big head business. I want you to just forget about it. And wipe those tears out of your eyes now, because I want you to go down to the store and get me ten pounds of potatoes."

"OK, Dad", says the kid, "Gimme a bag."

"What do you need a bag for. Put 'em in your cap."
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I've been telling people about how this guy in the deli stopped me to tell me how beautiful I am. I guess I embellish the story a little, because maybe the word he used was "pretty."
Okay, what he *actually* said was, "You're in my way." But you can see my point.
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So it was my birthday. I had a big party, and my friend made me a birthday cake. He brought it out, and it was a savory cake. It had a doughy base, with cheese and all sorts of other toppings sprinkled on top.

I said, "That must have taken a lot of effort to make."

And he said, "No, it was a pizza cake."
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"Have you ever been karmically bitch-slapped by a six-armed goddess? I'll take that as a no!"
--Brian George as Pushpop in BUBBLE BOY
***********************************
That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ........ and the Computer

 

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