REMINDERS:

Tennis -USA Open Begins Mon, Aug 29 - 7 days

Labor Day - Mon, Sep 5 - 14 days

Grandparents' Day - Sun, Sep 11 - 20 days

Patriot Day - Sun, Sep 11 - 20 days
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JOKES:
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford.

Then I want to move in with them. ~Unknown
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While I was working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her shot.

"NO! NO! NO!" she screamed.

"Lizzie," her mother scolded. "That's not polite behavior."

At that, the girl yelled even louder, "NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU!"
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Remembrance

The staff at a business office was hosting a farewell luncheon for a retiring colleague. As the group prepared to go to the restaurant, they found that they couldn't fit the giant balloon they had purchased for the retiring 'guest of honor' into the car. Undaunted, they simply held the balloon out the window as they drove.

The office workers were not prepared for the glares they received from passers-by, however.
As the long line of traffic in front of their vehicle began to turn, they saw that their car was right behind a long funeral procession.

There was nothing they could do but hold on to the balloon with its large farewell message:
"GONE, BUT NOT FORGOTTEN."
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A bloke and his wife went to a family planning clinic. 'We've been married for ten years and we've got no kids,' said the husband. 'And the next-door neighbors say it's because we're stupid.' 'Nonsense,' smiled the doctor. 'It's probably to do with your diet. Or it might be a question of timing. How many times a week do you do it?' 'Do what?' asked the wife.
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There is a technical meteorological term for a sunny, warm day which follows two rainy days.
It's called a "Monday."
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Although I'm not usually a nervous passenger, I became very frightened on a small commuter plane. A storm raged with sheets of rain and gale-force winds. Our first takeoff attempt was aborted because of engine trouble. We taxied back to the hangar, changed planes and then sat on the runway awaiting takeoff clearance.

I remembered learning in psychology class that one method for decreasing stress and anxiety is to engage in conversations, so I turned to the man sitting next to me. "What do you do for a living?" I asked.

"I'm an undertaker," he replied.
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On anniversaries the wise husband may forget the past... but better never forget the present.
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A New Zealand man is resisting demands to take down hundreds of women's bras strung on his farm's fence.

For years, women returning from a pub in the near by town of Wanaka have stopped at the fence and removed their bras.

A local sheep farmer, Lee Johnson, has become the unofficial guardian of the site.

However, the Wanaka Community Board is fed up with the unlikely tourist attraction and want it taken down.

Lee defended the bra-adorned fence, saying all the men love it and apparently the women too or they wouldn't continue to contribute.
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Q. When is a retiree's bedtime? A. Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Q. How many retirees to change a light bulb? A.
Only one, but it might take all day.

Q. What's the biggest gripe of retirees? A.
There is not enough time to get everything done.

Q. Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? A. The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

Q. Among retirees what is considered formal attire? A. Tied shoes.

Q. Why do retirees count pennies? A. They are the only ones who have the time.

Q. What is the best way to describe retirement?
A. The never ending Coffee Break.

Q. Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? A. He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
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Pregnant with our third child and experiencing morning sickness, I was resting on the living-room couch. Workmen were doing some minor repairs in the house.

As one walked by, I explained, "Don't mind me.
I'm in my first trimester."

"Oh," he said. "What's your major?"
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As I serviced an alarm system at a jewelry store recently, the saleswoman let me know that the store was having a 20% off sale.

"I bet your girlfriend would love it if you bought her something." she suggested.

"I don't have a girlfriend," I answered.

"No girlfriend?"

"No, my wife won't let me."
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Science magazine came out with a report on the difference between men and women's brains.

Apparently women are more controlled by a part of the brain called singletgyrus.

Men are more controlled by a part of the brain known as the penis.
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Husband and wife had quarreled for a while.
After cool down period wife came back to husband in the morning and asked, "Honey what are you doing?"

Husband tried to hide the document in hand and mumbled, "Nothing!"

Wife took on again, "Nothing what? I have been seeing you are reading our Marriage certificate for whole night, even with magnifying glass, upside down, backside front, intense lamplight.
What's the sickness with your brain?"

Dejected Husband said, "Nothing, I was just looking for the expiry date."
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A resident was describing the circumstance leading to a subarachnoid hemorrhage, and dictated that the patient had lost consciousness "while making love to his paramour."

The transcriptionist sent back a discharge summary indicating that the patient became ill "while making love to his powermower."
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Q: Why do doctors and nurses wear masks during an operation?

A: If somebody screws up, nobody will know who it was.
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While I was driving my daughter home from kindergarten, Melody Raye started trying to get me to look at the numerous crayon drawings she'd made that day. After trying to keep the car between the ditches while looking at the drawings, I told her I would look at the rest later because right now I had to watch the road. She immediately put a drawing in front of my face and said, "You look, Daddy; I'll watch the road for you."
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The veterinarian told Judy that her dog needed a lot more exercise. "You need to make sure the dog runs around, the doctor said. Try playing a game of fetch the ball."

"I can't play fetch with my dog," the Judy said.

"Why not?" the doctor asked.

"Because," she replied, "He can't throw."
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I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.
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Mary: You know, getting married is like buying sushi from a street vendor.

Jill: How so?

Mary: Well, you HOPE everything will be all right, but you take the chance that you're making a BIG mistake.
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"When I walked out here before, I saw all the screaming girls out here, and then I remembered – oh, yeah, Al Gore is on the show!" --Jay Leno "President Bush is about to start his annual month long vacation at his ranch in Texas. He goes there to unwind. I'm thinking, does this guy ever wind?" --Dave Letterman
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Max thought the night-time burglary of the California surfing museum would be a safe caper--maybe not lucrative but certainly safe--but that was before he spotted the security cop riding a bull mastiff, blond hair blowing in the wind, and noticed the blue- and-white sign wired to the cyclone fence, "Guard dude on doggy."
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Bambi, a young blonde sidled up to a guest at the party. She had heard him addressed as doctor and now she said diffidently, "doctor, may I ask a question?"

"Certainly," he said.

"Lately," said Bambi, "I have been having a funny pain right here under the heart..."

The guest interrupted uncomfortably and said, "I'm terribly sorry, Bambi, but the truth is, I'm a doctor of philosophy."

"Oh," said the blonde, "I'm sorry!" She turned away, but then overcome with curiosity, she turned back. "Just one more question, doctor.
Tell me, what kind of disease is philosophy?"
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ... and the Computer

 

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