REMINDERS:

Tennis -USA Open Begins Mon, Aug 29 - 10 days

Labor Day - Mon, Sep 5 - 17 days

Grandparents' Day - Sun, Sep 11 - 23 days

Patriot Day - Sun, Sep 11 - 23 days
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JOKES:
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My friend Alex doesn't garden, but his wife, Ginger, does. She even grows plants in their sunny front windows. One day while Ginger was out of town, Alex decided to take some annuals to plant on his mother's grave.
Scanning Ginger's stock, he rejected the traditional begonias and inpatients in bloom, instead choosing some plants that had interesting foliage.

When Ginger returned home that weekend, she was not impressed: What Alex had so carefully planted at the cemetery were her green peppers and eggplants.
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After a family meal at my brother's, he and I were doing the dishes when his wife cautioned us to be careful with the crystal. When she was out of earshot, I confided to my brother that I couldn't really tell crystal from glass.

"Oh, that's easy," he replied. "I go by the look on Rita's face when I handle it."
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Mushrooms, green peppers and tomatoes are either loved or hated by members of my family, so when I made a salad for dinner one evening, I put the vegetables in separate bowls. My son arrived at the dinner table first, and when my daughter called "What's for supper?" he answered, "Spaghetti and salad -- some assembly required."
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My seven-year-old son was drawing in the back seat of the car. "Mommy, here's a picture of you," he said as he handed my wife a stick drawing. "Wait," he added, "I forgot the ears."
Then, after a pause, he continued: "Oh, it doesn't matter. You don't listen anyway."
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One of our clients brought in his massive Doberman pinscher to be spayed. As a veterinary assistant, I escort the patient into the doctor's office.

Before taking this dog's leash, I glimpsed those large teeth of hers and asked the owner, "Is she friendly?"

"Friendly?" said the man. "Friendly? She's had five litters! How much 'friendlier' than that can she get?"
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During a magazine and newspaper subscription drive, our son Philip, a paperboy, learned about good salesmanship.

His supervisor had instructed the kids to maintain a positive attitude, even when turned down. One potential customer told Philip, "I've got papers and magazines strewn all over the place -- I don't need any more."

Philip's reply? "Well, how about a subscription to Good Housekeeping?"
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Having just graduated from an Agricultural College, I eagerly put my newly acquired knowledge to work to produce the perfect garden. Since my young daughter was interested, I encouraged her to help me plant the various crops and to harvest them when they were ready. Finally only the tomatoes were left. I hovered protectively over them and checked their ripeness frequently.

One day I found a bucket of still-green tomatoes on the step, and my daughter was busy gathering more. Dismayed I asked her why she had picked them. My little angel's earnest reply was, "I thought they turned red when you cooked them, like lobsters."
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If there's a competition for Worst Waiter of the Year, I've got a good candidate. He was working at my aunt's favorite restaurant when we took her there for her birthday.

This guy messed up every order! She asked for pork. He brought beef. We requested beans.
We got corn. And so on.

At the end of our meal, he asked. . "Would anyone like dessert?"

My aunt says. . "What do I have to order to get a piece of cheesecake?"
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My brother Ben camped on his lot in an old tent trailer while he built his cottage. One summer he and our dad were up for a few days and for supper that first evening decided to have hamburgers. While Dad was slicing onions, tomatoes and lettuce, Ben was tending to the burgers, but was having difficulty flipping them.
"This new spatula you brought doesn't work very well," he said to Dad.

Dad walked over, took one look at what Ben was doing, and laughed. "That's not a spatula, it's a flyswatter!"
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A woman showed up for work one morning. She was immediately greeted by giggles of the two secretaries in the office she had to pass through on the way to her vice-president's office. "What is so funny?"

The blonde said, "You have a smudge on your left cheek!"

The exec replied, "Oh, I can explain that."

The other secretary said, "Oh, yeah? How?"

"I took my husband to the train station to depart on a one-month vacation," the executive said, "and after I kissed him good-bye, I went up to the engine, and I kissed it, too!"
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Waitress, this lobster's only got one claw.


I expect he's been in a fight, sir.

Well, bring me the winner!
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Father: Can you support her in the way she's accustomed to?

Prospective son-in-law: No, I can't support her in the manner she has been accustomed to, but I can support her in the way her mother was accustomed to when she was first married.
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While my mother was in the nursing home, she was moved into the hall so the staff could clean her room. Still there after a few hours, she was frustrated and asked another patient who had been moved out for the same reason how long she'd been there. "Almost two years," the lady replied, thinking Mom had asked how long she'd been in the home.

"Well," said Mom, "I suppose I shouldn't complain."
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The University of the Arts program required us students to play all the various types of woodwind instruments. After a pianist gave a particularly painful performance on the oboe, a difficult instrument to master, the instructor asked, "Any suggestions for improvement?"
"Yes," came a voice from the back of the room, "go back to playing the piano."
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On a visit to Boston, I noticed a parking meter with a paper sack over it that said: "Broken." A skeptical parking officer removed the bag, inserted a quarter in the meter and turned the dial. It worked perfectly.

As the officer began to write a parking ticket, the car's owner rushed out of a nearby building.
"What are you doing?" he yelled after a quick glance at the meter. "There's plenty of time left!"
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That's the Jokes for today and for this week!!!
Have a GREAT weekend!!!
Chuck ...... and the Computer

 

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