REMINDERS:

Tennis -USA Open Begins Mon, Aug 29 - 12 days

Labor Day - Mon, Sep 5 - 19 days

Grandparents' Day - Sun, Sep 11 - 25 days

Patriot Day - Sun, Sep 11 - 25 days
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JOKES:
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The four-year-old boy was brought to the emergency room by his mother, with a cut above his right eyebrow. He had fallen while jumping up and down on his bed, she told me, and she kept admonishing her son while telling me what happened. Then she left the room. As I stitched the child's forehead, he said: "I don't know why Mom's mad at me. I was behaving. I wasn't jumping up and down on the bed. I was jumping off the dresser."
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After a heated encounter with surveyors in regard to the correct placing of a property stake, my wife phoned my office. My boss answered and took the message. His note read: "Your wife phoned to say she got the property stake put just where she wanted it, but I think there may be a surveyor under it!"
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Playing golf with his buddies, my grandfather had to make a slick 25-foot putt. As he lined it up, he announced, "I have a dollar bill that says I can make this putt. Does anyone want to bet?"

His two friends eagerly agreed to the wager.
My grandfather missed the putt by ten feet, and his friends gathered around to collect their money.

Granddad pulled out a dollar bill on which he had written, "I can make this putt." His pals are still trying to collect on the bet and grandpa is too.
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I had not been on downhill skis for 20 years, and the molded ski boots I had rented were a new experience for me. While struggling to close them, I inadvertently snapped one of the buckles. I returned to the rental chalet and explained my problem to the attendant. He cheerfully exchanged my boots and offered these sage words of advice: "Perhaps this time, sir, you'll find the buckles easier to close if you put the boots on the right feet."
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I was appearing for the first time onstage in a community theater. One night after the show, I called a cab to take me home. Slumped in the backseat, I perked up considerably when the driver said, "You're an actress, aren't you?"

"Why, yes," I said proudly. "How did you know?"

"You have orange ears," he replied.
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The way to make the cold winter go fast is to sign a note in October that becomes due in six months.
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Pets

** A pet can be a wonderful addition to a household, but it's important to choose one that's right for your family. Here are some tips for making a winning choice:

=> Pets eventually grow old and die, causing your children great emotional trauma. Be sure to only choose pets which will outlive them, such as the giant Pacific sea tortoise.

=> Be sure to check for the appropriate number of limbs before you get your new pet home.

=> Pets soiling the rug in your house will only be a problem if they are given food and water.

=> Pets are loving, trusting creatures. Do not treat them with the same cruelty and neglect you do your children.

=> Only choose a pet you are reasonably confident you can defeat in hand-to-hand struggle, in case of food-chain-hierarchy disputes.

=> Pet ownership is a great way to teach children about the entire cycle of life, from the miracle of birth to the inevitability of death. An efficient parent can teach these important lessons in about three hours.
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Darren, a co-worker, was complaining one day about the oil stains on his clothes after he did his laundry. Another colleague suggested the cause was likely the bearings in his washing machine, a very expensive repair job. He suggested Darren would be better off buying a new washer. Darren bought a new machine and hauled his old one to the dump. After he returned home, he hooked up the new one and immediately put in a load of laundry. To his dismay, he noticed new oil stains on his clothes--when he took them out of the dryer.
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Marriage certificate is just another name for a work permit.

"Wal-Mart plans to open 90 stores in China, one of will be a superstore called the Great Wal-Mart of China." --Jay Leno

[It's nice to see Jay Leno isn't standing on his pride with these jokes.]

"It's hot out! It's so hot out that I stopped at Ben and Jerry's for a scoop of ice cream and the guy at the counter asked if I wanted that in a cup, cone, or in my pants." --Dave Letterman

"My grandmother, who's in her nineties, still drives. People hear that and say, "God bless her." But no one will get in the car with her.
She has a 1962 Dodge Dart, it has a push- button transmission. At this point it's like a slot machine. She's hit so many motorcycles, there are stencils of motor- cycles painted on the side of the car." --Garry Shandling
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On a BA flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, well-off white South African Lady has found herself sitting next to a black man.
She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating.

"What seems to be the problem Madam?"
asked the attendant.

"Can't you see?" she said, "You've sat me next to a kafir. I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!"

"Please calm down, Madam." the stewardess replied. "The flight is very full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do - I'll go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or first class."

The woman cocks a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her (not to mention many of the surrounding passengers).

A few minutes later the stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and self-satisfied grin:

"Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full. I've spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full.
However, we do have one seat in first class."

Before the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess continues...

"It is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I have had to get special permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that someone should be forced to sit next such an obnoxious person."

Having said that, the stewardess turned to the black man sitting next to the lady, and said:
"So if you'd like to get your things, sir, I have your seat ready for you..."

At which point, apparently the surrounding passengers stood and gave a standing ovation while the black man walked up to the front of the plane...
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To save ten dollars, I decided to do my car's oil change myself. I crawled under the vehicle and was faced with a barrage of steel bolts.
Well, there could be only one drain bolt--and I picked the most obvious choice. Out poured a dark, oily liquid. I filled the engine with oil and cleaned up. My wife took the car to run a few errands, but when she returned, she complained that it wasn't running well. Fearing I had used the wrong oil, I immediately drove to the nearest mechanic and told him the story.
"After all," I concluded, "how many drain bolts can there be?"

"Well, sir," he replied, "there can be two, and the one you drained was the one for the transmission fluid."
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Two cub scouts whose younger brother had fallen into a shallow pond rushed home to Mother with tears in their eyes. "We're trying to give him artificial respiration," one of them sobbed, "but he keeps getting up and walking away."
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IN THE NEWS

A would-be robber who held up a store wearing underpants on his head as a mask fled empty handed after injuring his face.

The attempted robbery, at Heincklemeijer's Suds in Granger, Kentucky began badly when the red, white and blue briefs slipped over his eyes at a vital moment.

Matters took a turn for the worse when he yanked the cash till with such force it hit his head, knocking him to the floor and cutting his face.

A police spokesperson said the man then ran out of the shop empty handed. He added that they were looking for a tall person with a skinny build and a shaven head who was wearing a tee-shirt that read, " Believe In Me."
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ....... and the Computer

 

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