REMINDERS:

Tennis -USA Open Begins Mon, Aug 29 - 14 days

Labor Day - Mon, Sep 5 - 21 days

Grandparents' Day - Sun, Sep 11 - 27 days

Patriot Day - Sun, Sep 11 - 27 days
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JOKES:
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One young mother, on receiving a nursery school report that described her daughter as "emotionally immature," asked with good sense, "If you can't be immature at three, when can you be?"
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When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn't doing the same thing.
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Look at the bright side: no matter how old you are, you're younger than you'll ever be again.
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"What would you like?" my wife asked as she prepared the evening meal. "Tuna, salmon, chicken, beef or liver?"

Surprised and pleased by this unusual opportunity to make a selection from such an extensive dinner menu, I replied, "Beef would be nice for a change, thank you."

"Oh," she said, "I wasn't talking to you, I was asking the cat. We're having soup."
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According to my mother, she and Dad decided to start a family soon after he became an officer in the Air Force. When months went by without success, they consulted the base physician, who chose to examine Mom right then and there.

"Please disrobe," he told her.

"With him in the room??" she yelled, pointing to my father.

Turning to Dad, the doctor said, "Captain, I think I found the problem."
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When the father called home, the six-year-old son answered and said, "Don't talk too loud, Dad, the babysitter is asleep."
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An older lady in our town remarried after years of widowhood. She chose her only daughter to be her matron of honor, and asked her daughter's husband to escort her down the aisle.

"I was delighted to be asked for this honor," he told the guests at the reception. "After all, there are few men indeed who get the chance to give away their mother-in-law."
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A woman on a holiday trip stood in awe in front of an enormous tree. "Oh, marvelous and ancient oak," she enthused, "if you could only speak, what would you want to say to me?"
Another woman standing nearby commented, "It probably would say, "Pardon me, madam, I am an elm."
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It takes a woman twenty years to make a man of her son and another woman twenty minutes to make a fool of him.
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I've always told my kids that driving is like baseball in a way. It's the number of times you reach home safely that counts.
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When I was expecting twins, my oldest sister, Tammy, arranged a baby pool with all our family members. She asked each of them to guess the date of arrival and the weight and sex of the babies. When she came around to me, I asked, "Do I get to guess, too?" "No,"
Tammy answered, "you have inside information."
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Did you hear about the long delays on a golf course outside Washington, DC?

Seems like there was a foursome playing that was taking forever to get around the course.
The group consisted of Monica Lewinski, OJ Simpson, Ted Kennedy, and Bill Clinton.
According to observers, the problems they were having were attributable to typical problems faced by the novice golfer; Monica is a hooker, OJ is a slicer, Kennedy can't drive over water, and Clinton is never sure which hole he's supposed to be playing.
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My son Keith, 8, and I were waiting in a dentist's office, talking about treatments for his painful tooth.

Entering the room, the dentist asked, "Well, Keith, which one's the troublemaker?"

Without hesitation Keith replied, "My brother."
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The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
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The tip you leave now for lunch would have bought you one twenty years ago.
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My mother had promised my father she'd close the family grocery store early to be home in time for their 25th-anniversary celebration. The party was scheduled to start at 7 p.m. and when she still hadn't appeared, Dad called her in a panic. Mom quickly locked the store and hurried home. A few minutes after she arrived, she received a phone call, grabbed her coat and rushed out again to the store. When she got there, she found two police cruisers and a crowd gathered outside-- in her haste to get home, she'd locked a customer in the store.
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Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.
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Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.
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"At a recent speech to hundreds of university professors, Bill Gates said it's puzzling why more kids don't want to become computer programmers. Gee, I don't know, you think maybe it's because at some point they'd actually like to have a girlfriend." --Jay Leno
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Points to Ponder:


- They say that love makes the world go around, but then so does a good swallow of tobacco juice.

- Sign seen on a plastic surgeon's window:
"Come in and pick your nose!"

- I was thinking about how the status symbols of today is those pagers that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one so I'm wearing my garage door opener.

- You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

- I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

- I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals. Or looking for loopholes.
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ........ and the Computer

 

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