REMINDERS:

Tennis -USA Open Begins Mon, Aug 29 - 17 days

Labor Day - Mon, Sep 5 - 24 days
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JOKES:
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My friend's father is a locksmith in a resort town. Once he saw a group of beach goers park near his shop and dump trash from their car on his property.

As soon as they were out of sight, the locksmith picked the lock on their car door, put the garbage back inside and relocked the car.
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The simplest toy, one which even the youngest child can operate, is called a grandparent.
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Moshe is driving in Jerusalem. He's late for a meeting, and he's looking for a parking place, and can't find one. In desperation, he turns towards heaven, and says: "God, if you find me a parking place, I promise that I'll eat only Kosher, respect Shabbas, and all the holidays ...."

Miraculously, a place opens up just in front of him. He turns his face up to heaven, and says "Don't bother, God, I've just found one ...."
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Isn't odd that when a house burns down, the only things left standing are the chimney and the fireplace?
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Christmas In July Joke:


At the liquor store, I was examining two different-sized bottles of rum for my wife's Christmas fruit cakes. A cheerful young clerk approached me and asked if he could help.
After I explained the purpose of my purchase, the fellow said: "May I suggest the larger size, sir. That way, you can have your cake and drink it, too."
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Our two children, aged nine and ten, excitedly asked if they could go and buy an anniversary present for us. This would be the first gift they'd purchased on their own. When they returned they looked downhearted. "We didn't have enough money for your present," our daughter said, adding indignantly, "Do you know what they want for a $20 gift certificate?"
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Teacher: What are you, animal, vegetable, or mineral?

Little boy: Vegetable. I am a human bean!
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So Joe calls home one day late in the afternoon and tells his wife that he's had a really bad day and hopes that dinner will be on the table when he gets home.

When he arrives, he sees a package of pasta, a jar of sauce, and a can of vegetables on the table.

"Jane," he says, "I specifically asked that dinner be on the table when I got home!"

"Yes," Jane replies, "and there it is. You didn't say anything about it being prepared!"
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STRANGE ROYALS

Otto, younger brother of Ludwig II, decided the only way to preserve his own sanity was to shoot a peasant each day. Every morning he would start taking pot-shots at the peasants working in the royal garden. As staff numbers dropped, one servant was given the task of loading the king's pistol with blanks, while another dressed as a peasant, and pretended to fall down dead when Otto shot him.

Queen Juana of Spain worshipped her husband Philip, who died in 1506, so much that she refused to allow him to be buried, and had his coffin accompany her wherever she went.

Charles VI of France was convinced he was made of glass. So, he hated traveling by coach, in case the vibration caused him to shatter into a thousand pieces.

Charles VI of France also started prowling the corridors of the royal palace, howling like a wolf, causing Queen Isabeau to no longer want to share a bed with him. She found a lookalike, Odette de Champdivers, to take her place.
Every night for 30 years, Odette wore the Queen's clothes in the royal bed, and Charles never once spotted the deception.

Henry Christophe, King of Northern Haiti, ordered his guards to prove their loyalty to him by marching over a 200ft-high cliff. Those who obeyed plunged to their deaths; those who refused were tortured and executed. Henry Christophe ended up shooting himself, when the French invaded, and he had no guards to defend him.

Catherine the Great of Russia, discovering that she had dandruff, imprisoned her hairdresser in an iron cage for three years, to stop the news spreading.

Philip, Prince of Calabria, the eldest son of Charles XIII of Spain, was mad about gloves, and always wore a minimum of 16 pairs at any one time.
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One day I somehow lost my sidearm, I had no idea how, but they made me pay for it anyway.
They said I'd have to pay for anything I lost.

At least then I understood the Naval tradition of the Captain going down with the ship.
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IRTHDAZE

~ He looks like a million bucks...after taxes
~ She's discovered the secret of perpetual youth...she lies about her age.

~ She's been pressing 30 so long, it's pleated.

~ When it comes to telling her age, she's shy........about 10 years shy.

~ She wouldn't try so hard to conceal her age if her husband would act his.

~ I've stopped exercising...pushing 50 is enough exercise for me.

Thought... How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
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Sign on the Los Angeles boundary line: "You have just left the City of Los Angeles. Resume natural breathing."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,"We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare.
Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true." (University of Cambridge Professor Robert Silensky)
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On election day I stay home. Because if you vote, you have no right to complain. You elect dishonest, incompetent people, they get in office and screw everything up, you caused the problem. I am in no way responsible, and have every right to complain as loud as I want to about the mess you people created.

- George Carlin
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DAFFYNITIONS

White Lie: an attempt to color the truth.

Usher: a guy who can really put you in your place.

Taxing: a form of spring-cleaning.

Sunday Night: weak end of the weekend.

Quiet: what home would be without children.

Perfume: chemical warfare.

Mountain Climber: one who wants to take just one more peak.

Landlord: a man who would rather sleep than heat.

Jack: a thing that lifts a car and also keeps it going.

Grapefruit: that to which there is more than meets the eye.
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"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company." (Mark Twain...1835-1910)
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Earth flew in all directions as the would-be golfer tried to hit the ball. "The worms will think it's an earthquake," he said to his caddy. "Oh, I don't know," replied the caddy. "The worms around here are smart. I'll bet most of them are hiding under the ball for safety.
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Before going on vacation, I went to a tanning salon. I was under the lights a bit long and the protective shades I wore left a big white circle around each eye.

Gazing at myself in the mirror the next day, I thought, "Man, I look like a clown." I had almost convinced myself that I was overreacting until I got in line at the grocery store. I felt a tug at my shirt and looked down to see a toddler staring up at me. He asked, "Are you giving out balloons?"
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ....... and the Computer

 

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