REMINDERS:

Keep Your Cool!
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JOKES:
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Our Army physical-training program requires us to run two miles every other day in platoon formation. Being somewhat older than the other soldiers, I have trouble running faster than a ten- minute mile.

During a recent run, I was finding it difficult to complete the two miles without stopping, so I raised my hands high above my head to expand my diaphragm and gain my second wind. Suddenly I heard a voice from behind me say, "Forget it, Sarge, we don't take prisoners."
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A woman answered her front door and found two little boys standing there holding a long list.

"Excuse me," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."

"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"

"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."
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A man visited a psychiatrist to talk about his dreams. "Every night," the man said, "I dream that these three hideous monsters are sitting on the edge of my bed, ready to attack me."

"Hmmm," said the doctor. "I feel sure I can cure you of this problem. But the treatment will cost you somewhere between twenty- five and thirty thousand dollars."

"Thirty thousand dollars!" the man gasped. "Never mind getting rid of the monsters, Doctor. I think I'll go home and try to make friends with them!"
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"So," Jane asked the detective she had hired. "Did you trail my husband?"

"Yes ma'am. I did. I followed him to a bar, to an out-of-the-way restaurant and then to an apartment."

A big smile crossed Jane's face. "Aha!
I've got him!" she said gloating. "Is there any doubt what he was doing?"

"No ma'am." replied the sleuth, "It's pretty clear that he was following you."
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While I was shopping in the mall with my three children, a display in the window of a lingerie store caught my eye. "Do you think Daddy would like this?" I asked the kids, as I pointed to the lacy pajamas with matching robe.

"No way," my horrified six-year-old son replied. "Daddy would NEVER wear that!"
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It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father.

"I want a good picture, so try to make this look natural," she said."Junior, put your arm around your dad's shoulder."

The father answered, "If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand in my pocket?"
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A guy complains to his doctor that his sex life is deteriorating rapidly. The doctor tells him he needs to reintroduce excitement, guilt and so on into the process. He ponders this for a few days and hatches a plan.

"Well," he says to the doctor "A week ago, I did everything you suggested. The boss let me leave work an hour early. I sped home and I skidded all the way up the driveway. I slammed open the door, charged into the house and found Sheila in the living room. I stripped her naked and we went to it on the coffee table."

"And did you enjoy it?" asked the doctor enthusiastically.

"Well," says the guy slowly and thoughtfully, "somewhat, but the Bible group was kind of surprised."
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I'm such a bad cook -- my cat only has three lives left.

I'm such a bad cook -- when we go on a picnic, the ants bring Rolaids.

I'm such a bad cook -- last year the Health Department condemned my meatloaf.

I'm such a bad cook -- my kids ask me to make reservations instead of dinner.

I'm such a bad cook -- my husband does all the cooking at our house. (At least, I think he does. I eat out myself.)

I'm such a bad cook -- for breakfast I had a tub of Cool Whip.

I'm such a bad cook -- my idea of a "Happy Meal" is any meal I don't have to prepare.

I'm such a bad cook -- I use the smoke alarm as a cooking timer.

I'm such a bad cook -- my dog goes to the neighbors' to eat.

I'm such a bad cook -- my family buys Alka Seltzer and Kaopectate in bulk.

I'm such a bad cook -- when I barbecue two of my kids stand by with water cannons and the third holds the phone with 911 on speed- dial.

I'm such a bad cook -- my family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire truck siren.

I'm such a bad cook -- the EPA insists that all my garbage cans are marked with biohazard symbols.

I'm such a bad cook -- my microwave display reads "TILT."

I'm such a bad cook -- my two best recipes are meatloaf and apple pie, but no one can tell which is which.

I'm such a bad cook -- my pie filling bubbles over and eats the enamel off the bottom of the oven.

I'm such a bad cook -- I've used three boxes of scouring pads, a bottle of Drano, and a crowbar, and that baked on macaroni and cheese still won't come off the pan.

I'm such a bad cook -- pest control companies ask for my recipes.

I'm such a bad cook -- my tuna noodle surprise glows in the dark and melts the silverware.

I'm such a bad cook -- my family prays AFTER they eat!
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Waking up after a restless night, the wife turned to her husband and frowned. "I can't believe it! All night long you kept cursing me in your sleep!"

The husband replied, "Who was sleeping?"
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Waiter to blonde customer: "How do you want me to slice your pizza? Into six or twelve slices?"

Blonde: "SIX!!!! Gosh sakes, I could
*never* eat 12 slices!"
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At a cocktail party one evening, an English professor was asked whether he preferred beer or wine. His response was, "Oh, wine, by all means. To me, it's the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting bouquet and am lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported into another world."

He continued, "On the other hand, beer makes me fart."
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The teacher asked, "What is actually used as a conductor of electricity? Little Johnny?"

Little Johnny stammered, "Why...er?"

The teacher smiled and said, "Wire is right. Very good Little Johnny. Now tell me, what is the unit of electrical power?"

Little Johnny asked, "The what?"

His teacher was very pleased, saying, "That's absolutely correct... the watt. Now, class, you should all take the time to study as diligently as Little Johnny does."
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A research group on sea mammals captured a rather odd porpoise on one of its trips. Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After they had photographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set it free.

"Wait a minute," said one of the researchers, "Wouldn't it be a kindness if our ship's doctor here were to amputate the feet so that it would be like other porpoises?" "Not on your life," exclaimed the doctor, "That would be defeeting the porpoise."
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Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty snack group, the caffeine group, and the whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back
-of- the-fridge-is group.
******************************
That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ........ and the Computer
 

C. S. ROLLASON WHOLESALERS

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