REMINDERS:

Keep Your Cool!
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JOKES:
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One day a woman came to my photography studio with her ten-year- old son and asked me to take passport-size photos of him. When I had finished, she had the boy change his jacket and asked me to take a second set of photos.
Intrigued, I asked her why she had had him change clothes. "I have identical twin boys," she replied, "and the other one hates having his picture taken. When they need identification photos, I bring in this son and a second jacket, so anyone looking at the photos can tell them apart."
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This letter was received by a highway patrol member:

Dear Sir:

Re: ticket you issued me on May 18, for studded tires. I would like to inform you that my sex is female, not male as you indicated on the ticket. There should be some sort of special commendation for any male who, at midnight, can tell studded tires from plain ones, but who cannot tell a female driver from a male.
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"Do you remember that terribly pushy woman with the attitude problem who lived in the apartment above us?"

"Yes, what about her?"

"She's marrying a doctor she met when she went in for X-rays."

"Really...I wonder what he saw in her?"
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How many of you folks purchased a copy of "My Life" by Bill Clinton? It was in the book stores yesterday and it was a great day for Bill. The first day out he sold
1,500 books and he got 6 phone numbers. -David Letterman
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SIGN IN A WALLPAPER AND PAINT STORE:

Husbands choosing colors must have note from wives.
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Bill Clinton is everywhere now promoting his new book.

I believe the last time Clinton did a media blitz like this it was to deny everything that's in this book.

-- David Letterman
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It was afternoon in the crowded cafeteria.
The elderly matron sitting at the counter was obviously upset at the cigarette smoke of the young woman beside her.

Finally the older woman could take it no longer. She turned to the girl and bellowed with a loud voice, "Young lady, I would rather commit adultery than smoke!"

"So would I," quipped the girl, "but you know, there just isn't time enough during a coffee break."
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There was a rich man who was deliberately hard on his farmhand. He gave him a bottle and said, "Buy me a bottle of wine."

The farmhand asked, "How can I buy you wine with no money at all?"

The rich man said, "Anyone can buy wine with money. It takes real skill to buy wine without money."

After a while the farmhand returned with the empty bottle. He handed the bottle to the rich man and said, "Enjoy the wine, please."

Staring at the empty bottle, the rich man asked, "There is no wine, how can I enjoy this?"

The farmhand said, "Anyone can enjoy wine if there is some. It takes real skill to enjoy wine When there is none."

Choking, the rich man was unable to utter a word.
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My wife and I and our three-year-old daughter Carrie were visiting friends who had a newborn child. When the infant began to cry, the mother started up the stairs to the nursery and asked Carrie if she'd like to help.

Thrilled, Carrie followed, and after a few minutes, the crying stopped. Suddenly, we heard the baby start crying again, even more loudly than before.

Soon Carrie appeared at the foot of the stairs and said proudly, "Daddy, I helded the baby!"

As an English professor, I couldn't help saying, "That's nice, Carrie, but what's the past tense of 'hold'?"

She paused for a moment, looked down at the carpet, and in a soft voice responded, "Dropped?"
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My full-grown and willful German-shepherd mix, Trevor, was having a tough time of it in obedience class. A trainer insisted on holding his leash while I walked off to call him.
"Other wise he'll chase another dog instead of going to you," she stated. I told Trevor to "stay" and went the required distance. "Come!" I said firmly. Trevor did — with gusto. The trainer kept up with him for a few paces and then fell face first on the wet grass. An undaunted Trevor dragged her right up to my feet. Slowly the trainer picked herself up and looked into my stricken face. "Don't forget to praise your dog," she said. And walked off.
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I was with a friend in a cafe' when a noisy car alarm interrupted our conversation.

"What good are car alarms when no one pays any attention to them?" I wondered aloud.

"Some are quite effective," my friend corrected me. "Last summer, my teenager spent a lot of time at the neighbors'. Whenever I wanted him home, I'd go out to the driveway and kick his car."
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My friend's husband is a member of a small town police force, and she often wondered how his job would affect their children's outlook on life. She had her answer when her son brought his health quiz home from school with all but one question answered correctly.

The question: Name the three main parts of the cell. His answer: the bars, the keys and the mattress.
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Several of our neighborhood mothers were visiting one evening when the subject of the "worst stage" of childhood came up. "If I can just get through the twos," came one moan. "No - they're a breeze compared with the beginning-of-school stage," came a quick reply. "And how about those teen years,"
groaned a third. Then, during a lull in the conversation, the only grandmother in the group added seriously, "Just wait until they're forty-two!"
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The Top 5 Signs You've Had Too Much to Drink
5> John Kerry's starting to sound like he's taking a position on something.

4> In a sudden moment of clarity, Bush's foreign policy strikes you as shrewd and effective.

3> You see pink elephants... and get them to give you a ride home.

2> You squish when you blink.

and Number 1 Sign You've Had Too Much to Drink...

1> You are seriously considering voting for Ralph Nader.
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The $10 million Clinton is getting for his book beats the old record of $8.5 million paid to the Pope. How do you think this makes the Pope feel?

The man dedicates his life to the 10 Commandments, he gets 8.5. Clinton breaks every one of them, he gets 10.
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I won't say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.
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Our dentist office purchased a computer from a local dealer.

The day before it was to be delivered, we were informed that our order had been misunderstood and the proper machine would not be ready until the following week.

The appointed day arrived, but the computer did not. The delays continued for over a month before we finally had our new desktop computer-the wrong model.
However, office management decided to accept it.

Weeks later a special-delivery package arrived at the office along with a letter from the computer dealer, apologizing for the inconveniences. To show that they valued our business, they asked us to accept the enclosed VCR. It was a CD player.
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It was late at night when our car, loaded with four children and the family dog, reached the regional park. We were dismayed to read a NO DOGS ALLOWED sign, but at that hour, we decided to go in anyway. Five days passed quickly, and we were able to keep the dog out of sight on our large campsite. As we packed to go home, our dog bounded away. Oh, no, I thought, now we're in for it. But as he approached the neighboring campsites, we could hear a whole chorus of barking.
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It cost me five thousand dollars to look up your family history. A thousand to look it up and four thousand to hush it up.
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"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." (Jackie Mason)
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A man went to an internist and complained of listlessness. After a thorough examination, the doctor said, "You ought to try some hormones."

"Like they give to women?" the patient asked, dumfounded. "Are you serious?"

"Everybody uses hormones and for different purposes. They even give them to racehorses," replied the doctor.

The patient agreed to a shot and returned two weeks later for a follow-up visit. The doctor asked if they worked.

The patient replied, "You bet they did but, not exactly as I planned. Yesterday, I ran six furlongs in one-ten!"
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ..... and the Computer
 

C. S. ROLLASON WHOLESALERS

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