TODAY'S JOKES 7-6-04
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REMINDERS:
Keep Your Cool!
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JOKES:
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One guy was walking down the street, and on his way he sees a beautiful woman
with a very short skirt. The guy approaches her and says to her, "My God, you're
so hot!!!
With this kind of look I've got to have you!
Nothing can be avoided, and no matter what, I've got to have you!"
The woman is very shocked and she asks him, "What!? In the middle of the
street!?"
The guy answers, "I've got to do it in the primary opportunity! So I'll give you
an offer. I'll drop $500 on the ground and while you pick it up, I'll be able to
do everything I want. OK?"
The lady seems to look intense. Then she decides to call her friend. She told
her friend the story, looking for some advice.
The friend says, "It's not a big problem - as long as you pick up the $500, it
would last a long time until he gets his fireman out of his pants... Just take
the money & run!"
The next day the same friend sees the woman walking like an old woman. The
friend asks her, "What happened to you!?"
The woman answered nervously, "That son-of-a-bitch dropped $500 in quarters..."
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Shortly before she was due to have her puppies, my friend's dog wandered off
into the woods. After searching for two days, we found her and her newborn
offspring under a bush - right beside a sign which read: "Please take your
litter home."
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On her way back from the concession stand, Sally asked the man at the end, "Sir,
did I step on your foot a minute ago?"
Expecting an apology the man said, "Indeed you did!"
Sally nodded. "Oh, good. Then this is my row."
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I stand six feet six and weigh over 200 pounds. As a member of the Jacksonville
Police I have, over the past 12 years, talked to many school groups on a variety
of subjects. Recently, I spoke to a group of youngsters in third grade. After I
had finished, I asked if they had any questions regarding meeting strangers,
which had been my topic. Their main concern seemed to be, "How tall are you?"
or, "Can we see your gun?" But one serious little boy asked, "Do you have
trouble fitting in a bathtub?"
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A friend and her young son, Reid, were browsing in a large bookstore. Engrossed
in making a selection, my friend had lost sight of her child.
"Reid!" she called out, racing through the aisles. "Reid!"
Just as she spotted the boy, she bumped into another customer. "Pardon me,
ma'am," he said, "but most folks come here because they already like to read. No
sense in wasting your time trying to convince them."
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"John Kerry has a new 757 jet to use while he campaigns for president ... did
you see it on the news? This is a really cool plane.
In the event that Kerry starts speaking, oxygen masks fall from the ceiling to
keep people awake."
--Jay Leno
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"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time
of the month that I can be myself."
Roseanne
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My brother is a practical joker, so when a photographer specializing in family
portraits phoned him, he said, "I'm sorry, but my son is in jail and my daughter
is living with some man in El Monte." "What about you and the wife, then?" the
photo salesman persisted. "I would if I could ever get her sober," replied my
brother.
"Well," asked the salesman, "don't you have any pets?"
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"The U.S. Cardinals said they are going to develop a code of ethics to help them
deal with the sexual scandal. Wait a minute, I thought their already was a code
of ethics, it's called the Bible."
—Jay Leno
"I read this in the paper this morning: New York City has a priest shortage. So
you see, there is some good news in the world.
... To give you an idea how bad it is, earlier today in Brooklyn an alter boy
had to grope himself."
—David Letterman
"As you've probably heard, the Pope has asked all the Cardinals to return to
Rome.
You know how they got them all to come back? They told them that there was going
to be a performance by the Vienna Boys Choir."
—Jay Leno
"The Cardinals will be staying at the Domus Sanctae Marthae, the new hotel at
the Vatican, where turn down service means the bell boy isn't interested."
—Daily Show host Jon Stewart
"They say (the Pledge of Allegiance)violates the separation of church and state.
How about the separation of church and altar boy? That's what I'm worried
about."
—Jay Leno
"Cardinal Law had difficulty with his memory under oath today. He could only
remember three commandments. Under oath, Cardinal Law said 'I do not recall' 43
times. I'm telling you, this guy is presidential material."
—David Letterman
"The House Transportation Committee is now considering a bill that would allow
pilots to carry guns for protection. I've got a better idea, why not give guns
to altar boys, give them a fighting chance."
—Jay Leno
"In Boston, it looks like Cardinal Bernard Law isn't going to be punished. It
turns out he's getting transferred to Rome, which is kind of like a promotion.
He said today he wanted to thank all the little people."
—Jay Leno
"The Catholic Church is finally cracking down. Here's the deal now: if a priest
is transferred to another parish, he cannot take his live-in boyfriend." —David
Letterman
"The Catholic Church has just opened a new $2 million cathedral in Los Angeles.
They really spared no expense. Each confessional has a panic button in it."
—David Letterman
"The Church reaffirming celibacy — it's kind of like Clinton reaffirming
monogamy."
—Jay Leno
"The big Vatican summit wrapped up, closing ceremonies were Harry Connick Jr.
The Vatican is taking a tough stand now, three strikes and you're transferred."
—David Letterman
"This is the last Take Your Daughter to Work Day. Next year, boys will be
involved too. I guess the church lobbied pretty hard on that one."
—Jay Leno
"After all these scandals in the church, many Roman Catholics are calling for an
end to celibacy. And end to celibacy, how about starting celibacy? Let's at
least try it to see if it works."
—Jay Leno
"Pope has called all the U.S. cardinals back to the Vatican. He's going to have
Italy's top soccer coach talk to them. I believe the topic is how to do your job
without using your hands."
—Jay Leno
"Today the Catholic Church unveiled its new policy. Don't ask, don't confess."
—Jay Leno
"Isn't it crazy with all these church scandals? I'm beginning to understand how
all those Bibles ended up in hotel rooms." —Jay Leno
"This week hundreds of bishops arrived in Dallas for their annual convention.
You know what that means? Party. Party. Party.
A couple of bellboys are being carried over the threshold tonight."
—Jay Leno
"There is a big conference of Catholic Bishops in Dallas. Well this is great for
the city, it brings in about $12 million in hush money."
—David Letterman
"The Supreme Court ruled today that virtual child pornography is legal. Finally,
some good news for the church."
—Jay Leno
"Bush said we're going after white-collar criminals and I'm thinking 'Gee I wish
the Catholic church would do that.'" —David Letterman
"Kids, if you see an ad that says Cardinals looking for a bat boy, watch out,
that has nothing to do with the baseball team." —Jay Leno
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ......and the Computer
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