REMINDERS:
Keep Your Cool!
**********************
JOKES:
..........
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick
that up, you don't know where it's been!"
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It was my parents' first vacation without us, and my brother and I, both
teenagers, looked forward eagerly to a few days on our own. After the usual
lecture about responsibility, our parents departed. Next evening we were
enjoying some rock music with friends when Western Union called with a telegram
from Dad. "For heaven's sake," the message ran, "turn that stereo down!"
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Sometimes there are just the two of us for a meal and my husband and I usually
wash dishes by hand rather than use the dishwasher. One evening after supper, I
became interested in a TV program and heard him at the sink. I called out that I
would do the dishes later. He continued to work until the TV commercial started.
Then he came in, sat down and gave me a passionate kiss. "What's going on?" I
asked. "Just trying to turn on the dish washer," he replied.
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A feminist walks into a bar that has a sign marked: "For Men Only".
"I'm sorry, ma'am," says the bartender.
"We only serve men in this place."
"That's OK, "she says. "I'll take two of them..."
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What is the definition of bravery? Having diarrhea and chancing a fart.
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Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
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Neighbors asked my husband to pick up their mail and newspapers while they were
on vacation, and to leave them in their house. Early Sunday morning, my husband,
clad in bathrobe and slippers, dashed across the street, snatched up the paper,
and went in the kitchen door. He was exiting just as the newspaper boy rode by
again on his bicycle. "Good morning, Mr. Gibbs," he called out loudly.
"I see you got up on the wrong side of the road this morning!"
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Wearing a feathered hat and carrying a shiny handbag, my friend was ready to
leave for a wedding when she had to change her baby's diaper. To her surprise,
this was accomplished without the usual wriggling and crying. The child seemed
hypnotized by her new hat and bag. One night the baby became restless because
his diaper needed changing. Anxious not to wake her husband, she remembered the
effect of the new hat and bag. She donned the hat and put the bag on her arm but
to no avail. The baby continued to yell in his usual hearty fashion. Her husband
sat up in bed, saw her dressed in shortie pajamas, hat and bag and said, "Good
grief, woman, no wonder the child is screaming."
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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One Saturday my wife came back from yet another garage sale with an armful of
packages and a big smile, and began explaining each bargain to me. Finally she
held up a pair of olive-drab slacks, declaring proudly, "I paid only fifty cents
for these." I did a double take. "But aren't those the same pants you sold for
one dollar at our garage sale last year?"
"Yes," she admitted with a giggle. "But this year they fit me. And I'm fifty
cents ahead!"
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The young doctor was taking his wife out one evening, when a pretty girl smiled
and spoke to him. The wife scenting an earlier love affair, inquired: "Who is
the lady, dear?"
"Oh, just a girl I have met professionally."
"No doubt," meowed the wife, "but whose profession? Yours or hers?"
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A coworker told me that I looked tired. "I am," I said. "I just finished 50
pushups."
"Oh really? When did you start doing pushups?"
"Well, I did the first one in 1986."
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My wife and I each made a list of the things about ourselves that we could
change to improve our marriage. One of the items on my wife's list stated her
intent to "stop being so nit-picky." Later, as she was fussing over the table
settings, I teased her: "Remember, you were going to stop being so picky." It
was out of her mouth before she could stop herself:
"Nit-picky," she corrected.
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"Why haven't women got labels on their foreheads saying Danger: Government
Health Warning: Women can seriously damage your brains, genitals, current
account, confidence, razor blades, and good standing among your friends?!
(Jeffrey Bernard, Spectator)
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In my sociology class, we were instructed to write down answers to some
questions the teacher was asking.
"Next question," announced the instructor.
"How would you like to be seen by the opposite sex?"
I was thinking about my answer when the young woman next to me turned and asked,
"How do you spell 'intellectual'?"
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The rich aunt was hurt and said to her nephew, "I'm sorry you don't like your
gift.
I asked you if you preferred a large check or a small check."
"I know, Auntie," the nephew said contritely, "but I didn't know you were
talking about neckties."
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In times like these, it helps to recall that there have always been times like
these.
~Paul Harvey
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After three months of retirement, I told my wife I thought I was beginning to
adjust happily to my freedom from the daily work I had known for more than 40
years. To my surprise, she was reluctant to agree that she was enjoying our
escape from the old routines. "Why ever not?" I asked. "What I miss," she
confessed, "is looking forward to you coming home from the office."
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My father one year decided he didn't quite like the cold, hard white toilet seat
we had in our bathroom. So instead of just replacing it, he in his infinite
wisdom, decided that a plastic air-filled cushioned seat would be an excellent
Christmas gift for Mom. The biggest problem with that decision was that it was
his only gift to my mother that year.
The old toilet seat was not as cold as Mom that year.
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While our children were growing up, my career was being a homemaker. After they
were grown and out of the house, a wonderful job opportunity came my way, and
for the first time in 20 years I went out to work. My husband and family were
proud and supportive. The change in me, however, was greater than I had
realized.
After I had been working a year, I heard my husband comment to a neighbor,
"Marge is the only person I've ever heard of who found liberation in a
forty-hour week."
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A totally blind Moscow woman reports to police that her ex-husband, who drives a
cab for a living, might be among the dead in a train disaster that day. She
identifies the first body she can't see as being her husband's. Police and the
insurance company blindly believe her. And now she and the life insurance money
she collected are nowhere in sight.
Said the man who was identified as dead, "When they told me my wife had
identified my body I thought it was a joke, because she is blind. One of the
bizarre things is I never travel by metro because I am a cab driver."
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W.C. Fields was appearing at a USO show during WW II. After his introduction, he
apologized because his friend Mae West was not there with him. He said:....."Mae
was supposed to be here with me today, but she is on another tour of a Base in
Alaska. She is warming up the troops. . . .
one at a time!"
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Enjoy these random acts of thought.
If Bob Vila was a plastic surgeon who did makeovers for married couples, I bet
his show would be called "This Old Spouse."
Did you hear that the National Levitation Society went out of business because
they couldn't raise money?
For us, diarrhea is hereditary. You could say it runs in the family.
I should probably give up chocolate ... but hey, I'm no quitter!
I rushed around all day in a tizzy. It handled pretty well, but the mileage was
terrible.
I have a lazy tailor. He's always slacking off.
The president of Amtrak resigned, which caught the company off- guard. It was
the first time they'd ever had an early departure.
All of these aging rockers back on tour still have groupies that get them drugs.
Only now there's a $10 co-pay.
******************************
That's the jokes for today and for this week.
Have a GREAT weekend!
Chuck ........ and the Computer
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