REMINDERS:
Keep Your Cool!
**********************
JOKES:
..........
THE YEAR'S BEST [ACTUAL] HEADLINES OF 2003:
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter [Imagine that!] Something Went Wrong in Jet
Crash, Expert Says [No, really?] Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!] Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!] Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over [What a
guy!] Miners Refuse to Work after Death [No-good-for-nothing's lazy so-and-so!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant [See if that works any better than a
fair trial!] War Dims Hope for Peace [I can see where it might have that
Effect!] If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile [Do you think?]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures [Who would have thought!] Enfield (London)
Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide [They may be on to something!] Red Tape
Holds Up New Bridges [You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?] Man
Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge [He probably IS the battery charge!]
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group [Weren't they fat enough the
first time?] Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft [That's what he gets
for eating those beans!] Kids Make Nutritious Snacks [Definitely worthy of a
headline!] Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy [That was really giving
of himself!] Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half [Texas Chainsaw Massacre all
over again!] Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors [Boy, are they tall!] Typhoon
Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead [I certainly hope so since they were
already buried there!]
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
At a gardening store, I told the young clerk I needed some potting soil.
"Over there," she answered, "in 40-pound bags."
"I couldn't possibly handle one of those,"
I said.
"No problem. I'll get my husband to carry it to the car for you."
"That's no good," I replied. "If I took a
40-pound bag home, I'd have to take your husband too."
She smiled and said, "It's a deal!"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
His beloved old white convertible was in deplorable shape, but my stepfather
refused to get rid of it. When the junker was stolen from his office parking
lot, the family was delighted. Nonetheless, we called the police. Our relief was
short-lived. Within an hour an officer was back on the phone. "We found the car
less than a mile away," he said, trying to restrain his mirth. "It had a note on
it:
'Thanks anyway, we'd rather walk.'"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Small son to parents bringing home quadruplets. "You'd better start calling
folks. "They're going to be harder to get rid of than the kittens."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Arriving home from work at my usual hour of 5 p.m., I discovered that it had not
been one of my wife's better days. Nothing I said or did seemed to be right. By
7 p.m.
things had not changed, so I suggested I go outside, pretend I had just got
home, and start all over again. My wife agreed. I went outside, came back in
and, with a big smile, announced, "Honey, I'm home!"
"And just where have you been?" she replied sharply "It's seven o clock!"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
A Jewish man went to eat at a Chinese restaurant and started to wonder if there
were any Chinese Jews. So, when the waiter came over to take his order, he
asked, "Pardon me, but I'd like to know if there are any Chinese Jews?"
The waiter said, "I don't know. I go into kitchen and ask manager."
After taking his order, the waiter went to the kitchen and returned in a few
minutes.
He explained to the man, "No. No Chinese Jews. We have orange Jews, tomato Jews,
grape Jews, and pineapple Jews, but no Chinese Jews."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
I collapsed into my easy chair after a busy day at work and sighed, "I'm so
tired I wish someone would put me to bed." As if on cue, my teen-age son and his
two strapping friends picked me up by the shoulders and feet. I'm no
lightweight, and there was considerable grunting and groaning while they
maneuvered their sagging load into the bedroom. They turned to leave, and I
overheard one exhausted boy mutter, "Whew! We should have made two trips!"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
A fourth grade teacher, discussing heroines from history, asked the class if
they knew who Joan of Arc was. "I think piped a small voice, "She was Noah's
wife."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
At a big cocktail party, an obstetrician's wife noticed another guest, a big,
oversexed blonde, was making overtures at her husband.
It was a large, informal gathering, so she tried to laugh it off, until she saw
them disappear into a bedroom together. At once she rushed into the room, pulled
the two apart and screamed, "Look, lady! My husband just delivers babies, he
doesn't INSTALL them!"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
For 40 years my grandfather put in long hours at his job, so I was more than a
little curious about the way he filled his days since his retirement. "How has
life changed?" I asked.
A man of few words, he replied, "Well, I get up in the morning with nothing to
do, and I go to bed at night with it half-done."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
When my friend Albert got his first microwave oven, he zealously heated up
everything imaginable. One evening his father dropped in and was just returning
to the living room from the kitchen with a coffee mug in his hand when Albert
jumped up and grabbed the cup. "My coffee maker doesn't keep coffee very hot,"
Albert said. "But my microwave will have your coffee steaming in seconds,"
he added as he popped the mug into the new oven. His father, speechless till
now, exclaimed, "But that was Pepsi!"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Stumpy had gotten a new job as a reporter at his local newspaper and he was
brought in to meet the crusty old editor on her first day on the job.
"Names, names," the old editor insisted to the new reporter. "No story is
complete without the names of everyone involved."
Stumpy assured him he would make him proud of his reporting abilities, and his
first assignment was to write an article on a local disaster. He came back a few
hours later and filed this report:
Three farms in our area were affected by severe lightning storms that struck
Thursday night. Mr. and Mrs. Butch Van Bibber reported a fire in their barn.
Chris Leer said several trees were knocked down by the violence of the storm in
his yard. And Todd Cross reported that three of his cows, Bessie, Elsie and
Bertha were struck by lightning.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
On the third day, Jesus rose, shoved open the door of his tomb, and walked again
on earth.
As he was leaving, a passer-by pointed at the door Jesus had left open.
"What the hell is the matter with you?" he said. "Where you born in a damn
barn?"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
On my first day at the gas station, I watched a co-worker measure the level of
gasoline in the underground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into
them.
"What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?" I joked.
"It would go out," he replied very matter-of-factly.
"Really?" I asked, surprised to hear that.
"Is there a safety device that would extinguish it before the fumes ignited?"
"No," my co-worker continued. "The force from the explosion would blow out the
match."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
During mail call one evening at Marine Corps boot camp, I received several
letters from home. The drill instructor was getting irritated at having to keep
calling my name.
"You must have a lot of people at home who like you, huh?" he barked.
"Sir, no, sir!" I shouted.
"Oh, so you're calling me a liar?" goaded the DI.
Trained as a Marine to think quickly on my feet, I yelled out, "Sir, creditors,
sir!
The DI had to leave the room to keep us from seeing him laughing hysterically.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
My friend asked his father-in-law, a crop duster, how his day had gone.
"It was the worst day of my life," replied the man. "This morning I was up in my
plane dusting a field when I nicked a power line and damaged the wing on the
plane. When I got back to the office, my boss chewed me out. Then the guy from
the FAA chewed me out.
"On my way home, I stopped at a bar and was handed a warm beer. So I yelled at
the bartender, 'Don't you have any cold beer?!' "The bartender said, 'Sorry, but
we've been out of electricity all day ever since some idiot crop-duster hit a
power line down the road.'"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
My husband and I had worked hard on our entry for a local store's promotion
contest. To our elation, we won second prize — a trip to Nashville. The only
problem was getting someone to stay with our seven lively children while we were
away. I called my mother to feel her out.
"Guess what, Mom!" I began. "We won a five day trip to Nashville!" A long pause.
Then Mother said, "Good. I hope you've already taken it!"
*******************************
That's the jokes for today.
Have a Good Day!
Chuck ..... and the Computer
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C. S. ROLLASON WHOLESALERS
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