REMINDERS:

Keep Your Cool!
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JOKES:
..........
Only a Mother ~~


Can listen to the same knock-knock joke
27 times without hollering "Nobody's Home."

Will be a Scrabble partner with a kid who thinks "cookie" begins with "k."

Will unwind 56 feet of toilet paper so her little darling Can have the empty roll...to make a Mother's Day present.

Knows the location of every drive-through window in town.

Knows the exact temperature a crayon will melt on the dashboard.

Will try to hide a leafy green vegetable in a cookie.

Knows the secret to happy grocery shopping with a toddler... visit the bakery aisle first and plug his lips with a big cream horn.

Can cherish the 1,000th bleating of "Twinkle, Twinkle" from a budding violinist.

Will show up at work wearing Mickey Mouse stickers on her posterior.

Sees a Picasso in those scribbles decorating the fridge.

Knows all the verses to "This Old Man."

Can deal out emergency lunch money from the dryer lint filter.

Can find her last good pair of panty hose hitching a wagon to a tricycle.

Knows the sure-fire way to get three kids to eat carrots... buy two carrots.

Is limber enough to wrestle a fitted sheet onto the top bunk bed.

Invests fifty dollars in stale macaroons to help send the French Club to Disneyland.

Will attempt to grow hydroponic tomatoes in one night for a last- minute science project.

Can see across town and locate a missing shoe from her office desk phone.

Can switch from cook to catcher in an instant.

Has a bathtub that's filled with little yellow duckies.

Seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie.
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A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories.

As I enjoy 2 servings per night, and a few more on weekends.

I consume 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per week.

Therefore... In the last 3½ years, I have had chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds , so...

without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago!

I owe my life to chocolate.
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Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog had recently died. "You know," Mom said, "it's not your fault that the dog died. He's probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."

Susie, still crying, said, "What would God want with a dead dog?"
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The nice part about living in a small town:
When you don't know what you're doing, someone else always does.
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A young lad and his mother were walking down the street one day when suddenly the boy yelled out excitedly, "Mother, Mother, Look at that bowlegged man!"

His mother immediately hushed him explaining it was not polite to make fun of bowlegged people.

The next day the same thing happened, "Look mother, there's that bowlegged man!"

The mother grabbed the lad by the arm saying, "When we get home you'll be punished for this outburst."

When they got home, she gave her son a work by Shakespeare, "Go to you room and read this book. You can't come out until you have finished it. Maybe you will learn something from this punishment."

Two days later they are walking down the same street when the boy again spots the person he had been making fun of: "Hark!
What manner of men are these, Who weareth their legs in parentheses?"
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During a visit with friends, conversation turned to what each one of us would do if he or she became instantly wealthy.

As we rattled off desires for lavish homes and fancy cars, Tom a gentle Texan sat quietly pondering. Then he delighted us all by saying simply, "Reckon I'd hire someone to break in my new blue jeans."
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Jill: You know, my ex never came right out and criticized my cooking. He would just make snide remarks.

Mary: Like what?

Jill: He'd look at his plate and ask, "Was the dog not hungry?"
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The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.
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SON: "Daddy, how was I born?


DAD: "Ah, very well, my son, one day you need to find out anyway! Mom and Dad got together in a chat room in Yahoo. Dad set up a date via E-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber cafe. We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from Dad's memory stick. As soon as Dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared. And that's the story.
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A young Jewish college girl answers the door for her date. She brings him into the living room to meet her parents.

"Mom, Dad, this is Angelo. We'll be home early," she says.

Her mother looks at the young man disapprovingly, discerning from his name that he is a Gentile.

When the girl finally returns home, her mom quizzes her immediately, "Tell me, Anna, was that boy Jewish?

"No Mom, he's not." replies the girl cautiously, sensing that a battle is about to begin.

Momentary silence from the mom.

"Well - is he at least Pre-Med?"
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When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping.

Men invade another country.

-Elayne Boosler
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Man enters in the kitchen and opens the sugarbox. Sees inside and closes it. Wife observes the whole episode Again he comes and does the same stuff. Wife askes Why are you doing this? Sardar replies: Doctor told me to "check sugar level regularly"
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The head of the AFL-CIO endorsed John Kerry, saying, 'The time has come to come behind one man, one leader, one candidate.' Then he said, 'And until we find that man, we will endorse John Kerry.'
--Conan O'Brien
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When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: "I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance." ---Unknown
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The Hodja (teacher) was selling olives at the market and business was slow. He called to a woman who was passing by and tried to entice her. She shook her head and told him she didn't have any money with her.

No problem," the Hodja grinned. "You can pay me later." She still looked hesitant, so he offered her one to taste.

"Oh no, I can't, I'm fasting," she responded.

"Fasting? But Ramadan was 6 months ago!"

"Yes, well, I missed a day and I'm making it up now. Go ahead and give me a kilo of the black olives."

"Forget it!" shouted the Hodja. "If it took you 6 months to pay back a debt you owed ALLAH, who knows when you'll get around to paying me!"
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Lost In The Past

Bonehead award two goes to an American tourist in Bavaria who got lost in a mud hole in a Bavarian forest because he was using a travel guide published on the eve of World War I in 1914, 90 years ago.
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Three wise men are following a star through the desert.

The star stops over a little village and begins to shine brightly on a barn behind a small inn.

They walk into the barn and find a little baby lying in a manger.

As they approached the manger, one of the wise men walks into a plough and smashes his knee on the handle and in agony yells out, "JESUS CHRIST!"

A voice came down from above and said, "That's a good name, I was going to call him Roger."
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SUPERSTITIONS: Lucky Break: A ritual before a hunt was for someone to break a stick to scare off evil lurking about. If it was a good hunt it was considered a lucky break, a poor hunt it was a bad break.

Coins: There are many superstitions around coins and especially pennies. A common thread is that it is lucky to save pennies, especially ones found in articles you already own such as jacket pockets, under furniture, in the cushions and in handbags. If you find a coin with your birth date on it, keep it. Superstition dictates that this should be your lucky charm.

Umbrellas: These can only bring bad luck.
Lifting an open umbrella over your head indoors is not good and some say borrowing another persons umbrella can also bring bad luck.

Clothes: It seems old shoes are lucky, especially by wearing them until you wear hole in the bottom. Burning your old shoes will also keep witches (and everyone else for that matter) away. Don’t put on your shirt backwards or inside out. The fix for this blunder is under debate but it is agreed that it’s not a good sign. Never place a hat on a bed, evil spirits that live in the hat can escape and tell all the secrets of the hats owner. Eating at a table wearing a hat can bring bad luck, which might explain the "no hat" rule in country club dining rooms. Although the history behind the rally cap is unknown, baseball players feel that wearing their hats backwards or even inside out can ward off bad luck.

Trees: For good luck find an Oak tree and jump over a limb. Don’t stand under a Pine tree when it is raining, drops falling from the tree will give you nightmares.

Animals: If a stray dog follows you it is considered good luck but a howling dog is an omen of something bad to come. If a cat follows you home it is good luck but a black cat crossing your path is bad luck.
The left hind foot of a rabbit is considered a lucky charm and seeing a rabbit on Sunday is lucky but it’s not good if a rabbit crosses your path. Same goes with squirrels. To be safe, don't let anything cross your path. And if by some chance you see a white horse, put the little finger of your right hand under your lip, spit and you will soon run into some money. This is also advisable for a day at the horse track.

The Jinx: It was believed that sneezing expelled spirits from your soul. “God Bless You” was said to keep the sneezer’s soul in place. To scare someone off, write the person's name three times on a piece of paper and throw the paper into running water. To get someone to leave town, stick nails into the persons footprints.

Walking: Walking four abreast is bad luck, but walking in the rain is good luck. There are superstitions that say you must exit through the same door that you entered in order to avoid bad luck. This goes for homes and churches.

Birds: For the most part, birds are considered good luck but there are some bad luck birds. Watching a Hawk hunt is considered good luck, seeing Swallows, Hummingbirds, Wrens and Robins are also good luck. Bad luck birds are Crows and Owls. A number of birds circling over your head is a sign of good fortune.

Wishes: Make a wish while waking over a bridge, spit into the water and your wish will come true. Some feel that spitting on a new pair of shoes will make a wish come true. If you make a wish and blow all the seeds off a Dandelion snowball your wish will come true.
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A "stupidest lawsuit in the world"
bonehead award, goes to a Hartford, Connecticut woman who was convicted of attempted bribery in 1998 when she tried paying a prosecuting attorney $8,500 to recommend early release for her husband, a convicted child molester. She is now suing the state of Connecticut to get the $8,500 back.

"You want the money back?" a disbelieving Judge Elliot N. Solomon said.

Agreeing to hear the motion, the judge told her, "I wouldn't bring a bankbook with you.
I don't think you're going to be bringing it back."
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ....... and the Computer
 

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