REMINDERS:
Keep Your Cool!
**********************
JOKES:
..........
A young man was having some money problems, and needed $200 to get his car fixed
and road-worthy again. But had run out of people to borrow from. So, he calls
his parents via the operator, and reverses the charge and says to his father. "I
need to borrow two hundred dollars," he says.
At the other end, his father says, "Sorry, I can't hear you, son, I think there
may be a bad line."
The boy shouts, "Two hundred. I need two hundred dollars!"
"Sorry, I still can't hear you clearly," says his father.
The operator cuts in, "Sorry to butt in, But I can hear him perfectly clearly."
The father says, "Good. YOU send him the money!"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
One Sunday morning Sue took a friend of hers who is blind to church with her.
Several of the children in the congregation were fascinated with her Braille
Bible. One of the adults came over to see what had excited the kids so much.
Sue's friend told the woman, "I was showing the children how bumpy the road to
salvation is."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
A woman to her jeweler: "Sorry that the money is so wet... My husband was crying
when he gave it to me."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
A farmer had so many children, he ran out of names, so he started naming his
kids after something around the farm.
The first day of school began, and the teacher asked each child their name.
When he got to one of the farmer's sons, the boy replied, "Wagon Wheel."
The teacher said, "I need your REAL name, son," to which he boy replied, "It's
Wagon Wheel, sir...really."
The teacher, in a huff, said, "All right young man, march yourself right down to
the principal's office THIS minute!"
The boy got out of his chair, turned to his sister, and said, "C'mon, 'Chicken
Crap,' he ain't gonna believe you, either."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
After a caller told the Battle Creek, Mich., Humane Society about two ducks
trapped by the ice on a pond, shelter-manager Mike Pearson rushed right over. He
inched his way out a considerable distance and, as onlookers stood by, made his
way back to safety with the ducks. Both of the wooden decoys were expected to
survive.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
I happened to pass a house with a little red light burning in front, in an alley
way in back of the London Hilton, so I stepped inside to see what may be on
offer.
There was nothing in sight and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with two
doors reading, "Over 35" and "Under 35."
I decided to be truthful and entered the door that said, "Over 35." and found
myself in another empty hallway, this one with two doors that read, "Over 8
inches"
and "Under 8 inches."
Truthful again, I went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found myself in
another empty hall, with two more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4
times a night."
Still wanting to be truthful, I entered the door marked "Once a night" and found
myself back out on the street.
The moral of this story is: "Always tell the truth and you'll never get
screwed."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
I happened to pass a house with a little red light burning in front, in an alley
way in back of the London Hilton, so I stepped inside to see what may be on
offer.
There was nothing in sight and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with two
doors reading, "Over 35" and "Under 35."
I decided to be truthful and entered the door that said, "Over 35." and found
myself in another empty hallway, this one with two doors that read, "Over 8
inches"
and "Under 8 inches."
Truthful again, I went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found myself in
another empty hall, with two more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4
times a night."
Still wanting to be truthful, I entered the door marked "Once a night" and found
myself back out on the street.
The moral of this story is: "Always tell the truth and you'll never get
screwed."
Naturalist Andrew Simmons was once driving along a highway and spotted a freshly
run-over woodchuck. Thinking that his owl or eagle would regard the carcass as a
succulent treat, he pulled over, got out of his pickup truck and began pushing
the deceased woodchuck into a paper bag.
Then a car pulled up beside him. Recalls Simmons, "A matron with sympathetic
eyes reached out and stuffed a ten-dollar bill in my pocket. 'Here,' she said,
'go get yourself a decent meal.' "
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
The animal-control center in my friend's town decided to conduct a dog census. A
census taker called at my friend's home and, upon learning that she did indeed
have a dog, asked what kind. "A brown dog," she replied. "No, no. I mean what
breed?" "Well, I don't know. She's just a brown dog." "Perhaps if I could see
her,"
the man said, "I might be able to tell." My friend brought out the dog and
waited patiently while the man studied her pet. In the end, he noted on his
form: "One brown dog."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Better days are coming - they are called Saturday and Sunday.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Do not be afraid to go out on a limb ...
That's where the fruit is.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Top Ten Silliest Questions asked on a Cruise Ship
10. Do these steps go up or down?
9. What do you do with the beautiful ice carvings after they melt?
8. Which elevator do I take to get to the front of the ship?
7. Does the crew sleep on the ship?
6. Is this island completely surrounded by water?
5. Does the ship make its own electricity?
4. Is it salt water in the toilets?
3. What elevation are we at?
2. There's a photographer on board who takes photos and displays them the next
day...question asked...If the pictures aren't marked,how will I know which ones
are mine?
1. What time is the Midnight Buffet being served?
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
A little worm asks his mother:
Mommy, mommy, where's daddy?
Be quiet, answers the mother, daddy went fishing with some men.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
I heard two women discussing their husbands. One said, "Does your husband throw
his arms round you when he comes home?"
And the other one said, "Yes, sometimes before I can strike a blow."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
The family had finally gotten their first dishwasher. The father liked to
inspect every new thing that came into the house, so he stayed in the kitchen
and watched the display count down all fifty- four minutes of the dishwashing
cycle.
Suddenly he called out for his wife, shouting, 'It's useless, the dishwasher is
useless.!' The wife was amazed that the newest appliance could be broken after
only one use, but insisted that because they had a water softener, the dish was
useless.
She decided to look for herself and there it was, on the inside door next to the
detergent dispenser.
USE LESS WITH SOFT WATER!!
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
MURPHY'S GENEALOGY LAWS:
1. The will you need is in a safe onboard the Titanic.
2. You finally find the wedding record for your great-grandfather only to
discover he married Mary SMITH whose father was John SMITH and mother was Mary
JONES!
3. You have finally found the information you needed to solve the family mystery
you have been working on for 2 years and your elderly aunt says "I could have
told you that!"
4. You find an old family photo album and upon close examination, there are no
names on the pictures.
5. You learn that your great-grandmother's family bible (passed down through the
family for 3 generations) was sold at an estate sale in New York City.
6. You find your family in the census and write to the county where they lived
for 40 years, only to receive a letter stating all the county records burned.
7. You learn there is a county history on microfilm of the county your ancestors
originated. It has 16,000 pages and is not indexed.
8. The public ceremony in which your distinguished ancestor participated and at
which the platform collapsed under him, turned out to be a hanging.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
I love her but....
*She has an uncanny way of standing between me and the TV screen. Bases loaded,
two strikes, three balls. The crowd goes wild, the pitch flies, and all I can
see is her butt.
*What's mine is hers. I buy her negligees; she sleeps in my t- shirts. When
she's cold she wears my wool socks to bed, never her own. She steals my
half-used razors; new ones are too sharp. She even wears my boxers. I'm tempted
to switch to briefs just to see what she'd do.
*She makes lists. Things to buy. Things to do. People to call. If it's not on
the list, it doesn't get done. Once, to be funny, I put "sex" on the list.
Mistake. Now it has to be on the list or it doesn't get done.
*She's stopped shaving her legs. She says that now people will know she's a
natural blonde.
*She will not shop at discount stores or sales. She thinks they're crowded and
plebeian. She doesn't even look at the reduced rack, other than, perhaps, for
gifts for my mother.
*Counting my wife and our teenage girls, that's four women. Somebody's always
got PMS.
*With five kids, I don't have time to complain about my wife. I don't have time
to notice her.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an
elderly man in a wheelchair into the room.
As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent.
Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped
off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair.
Placing his hand on the man's, he said, "I know how you feel. My mom makes me
ride in the stroller too."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
An enemy decoy, built in occupied Holland, led to a tale that has been told and
retold ever since by veteran Allied pilots. The German "airfield," constructed
with meticulous care, was made almost entirely of wood. There were wooden
hangars, oil tanks, gun emplacements, trucks, and aircraft.
The Germans took so long in building their wooden decoy that Allied photo
experts had more than enough time to observe and report it. The day finally came
when the decoy was finished, down to the last wooden plank.
Early the following morning, a lone RAF plane crossed the Channel, came in low,
circled the field once, and dropped a large wooden bomb.
******************************
That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck .......and the Computer
|
|
C. S. ROLLASON WHOLESALERS
Like to make money from your kitchen table?
Check out our helpful sites below.... we also supply
help for established home operated businesses...
http://www.homebucks.com
http://www.future-world.com/10246.htm
The Best-Kept Secrets Revealed!
http://hop.clickbank.net/hop.cgi?crollason/aboutcom
Need Labels??? Check out my label site at:
http://chuck.clickprint.com
95 %, The highest Network Payout in the history of MLM. $95 out of
$100!
$50.00 fast start bonus on every sale you make, including the first
one!
Check: it out at:
http://www.goupp.com/power95/ch795
"How To Create Automatic Money Machines On The Internet" - Full 7
Letter Series - Free!
Visit Our Site To Sign Up Now:
http://www.thewarriorgroup.com/cgi-bin/a.pl?warriors&4053
Check out my Daily Journal (here’s what I’m doing.)
http://www.homebucks.com/chucks/daily.html