REMINDERS:

Keep Your Cool!
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JOKES:
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Poverty is catching. You can get it from your kids.
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On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said, "Let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out."
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One day a man approached Groucho Marx and he said, "Please insult my wife. She loves your work. It would really give her a thrill if you insulted her."

Groucho turned to the man and said, "Sir, you should be ashamed of yourself...To be married to a woman like that and not be able to think up your own insults!"
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Two assassins are hired to kill a dictator in South America. They follow his every move for months, and find out that every day at noon he goes outside and does his stretching exercises.

So the assassins set up shop right across the street, get all of their sights set, load the guns, and have everything ready to go. Noon comes, no dictator...10 minutes longer...no dictator.

One assassin turns to the other and says, "Gee, I hope nothing happened to him."
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"When on the ladder of success, don't let boys look up your dress!" (Unknown)
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My sister-in-law was ordering sliced ham at the deli at her favorite grocery store.
She told the deli clerk that she wanted the ham sliced very thin, or shaved.

The girl told her she couldn't do it that way because then there would be too much ham in a pound.
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Nostradamus recently turned 500. Here are some other predictions from lesser lights:

Law will be simplified (over the next century). Lawyers will have diminished, and their fees will have been vastly curtailed. -- Junius Henri Browne 1893 By 1960, work will be limited to three hours a day. --John Langdon-Davies Hurrah, Boys, we've caught them napping. We'll finish them up and go home to our station. --George A. Custer,
1876, prior to the Battle of Little Big Horn Get rid of the pointed-ears guy. --NBC executive, regarding Mr. Spock of STAR TREK, 1966 Telephones (will) bring peace on earth, eliminate Southern accents, and save the farm by making farmers less lonely. -- printed in THE WALL STREET JOURNAL, Century-old Pronouncements, 1995
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"My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil." (Paul Getty)
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Dear Sir,

Thank you very much for the letter you sent to me informing of your Adult web site. My brothers and sisters weren't too happy with your site contents.

I was able to find your home address, thanks to the new alter boy that just moved into town. We contacted your local parish and the local Reverend was shocked at the business you are running.

He told me that he will be sure to talk to the fellowship and see that you attend the next prayer meeting. He has reserved this Sunday night at 7 so that you can explain your business to the fellowship.

I have subscribed you to the E-PRAYER listserve group. Which will bring you 200 holy e-mail messages everyday.

There is no need to thank me, the Lord works in wondrous way! You sending that e-mail to me, was the Lord telling me that you are calling for help.

Father McDonnell
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Kids. They're so impetuous. Early yesterday morning I joined the customer service manager and the office manager who were standing at a window looking out into the parking lot.

"What's going on?" I asked.

"We were just looking at this self-important S.O.B. who always parks his Beemer across two spots right in front of the building," said the CS manager.

I looked out and sure enough there was a silver BMW parked diagonally across two spots. "Huh, I never noticed. I usually park in the back of the building. Why don't you one of you park your car right up against his driver's side door. That will send him a message."

The office manager laughed, "My SUV is barely six months old, I don't want it banged up any more than this guy."

The CS manager shook his head, "My insurance is high enough already."

"What we need," I said, "is somebody with a beater whose entire car isn't worth the paint job on that guy's door."

I walked away after that and didn't think another thing about it. But when I came back from lunch the office manager walked into my office.

"Remember what you said this morning about the guy with the Beemer?" she said.

"Yeah."

"Well, the new high school kid over-heard you and at lunch he parked his '79 station wagon about three inches from that guy's door. It turns out he's one of the accountants from downstairs and he just bitched me out about it for five minutes on the phone."

"Really," I mused, "are we going to give the kid a raise?"
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* The average person's left hand does
56% of the typing.

* The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.

* Typewriter is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

* "Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand; lollipop"
with your right.
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Home shopping network QVC has been ordered to pay a former employee $68 thousand in back wages in a discrimination claim.

However, the court ruled she can collect $100 thousand if she calls within the next half hour.
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A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven. Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit.
But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile. After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing.

"Excuse me, Mr. Prince of Darkness," he said, "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering - why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?"

"Ah, those," Satan said with a groan.
"They're all from Winnipeg. They're still too cold and wet to burn."
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Things in Your Fridge You Should Probably Toss
8.Brown Jell-O.

7.Sure, it's pretty ... but that unknown organic object sporting the inch-long, aqua "Don King hair" should probably go bye-bye.

6.The pineapple upside-down cake that has righted itself.

5.The wedding cake tops from your weddings to your first, second and third wives.

4.That bearded Iraqi dictator shivering in the corner.

3.Anything that has developed the power of locomotion.

2.Anything in a carry-out container from a restaurant that closed more than six months ago.

1.Anything that fails the Lab test: If your Labrador retriever won't eat it, throw it out.
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That's the jokes for today and for this week.
Have a GREAT Weekend!!!
Chuck ........ and the Computer
 

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