REMINDERS:
Keep Your Cool!
**********************
JOKES:
..........
A Christian farmer spent the day in the city.
In a restaurant for his meal, he sat near a group of young men. After he bowed
his head to give thanks for his food, one of the young men thought he would
embarrass the old gentleman.
"Hey, farmer, does everyone do that out where you live?"
The old man calmly replied, "No, son, the pigs don't!"
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After hearing me talk about my job, my young son looked forward to spending the
day with me at the office. Although usually shy, he seemed eager to meet each
co-worker I introduced. On the way home, however, he appeared sullen. I couldn't
see the reason for his disappointment until he complained, "I never got to see
the clowns you said you worked with."
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Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to
teenage boys.
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One morning a customer entered my flower shop and ordered a bouquet for his
wife. "No card is needed," he told us.
"She'll know who sent them." The delivery truck hadn't even returned to the
store when the phone rang. It was the customer's wife. "Who sent the flowers?"
she asked. After explaining that the customer had requested that no card be
included I considered the matter closed — but not so. A bit later, she came
rushing in the front door. "You've got to tell me who sent the flowers," she
demanded, "before my husband gets home for lunch!"
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As one of relatively few female airline pilots, I've often been mistaken for a
flight attendant, ticket agent or even a snack-bar employee. Occasionally,
people will see me in uniform and ask if I'm a "real" pilot.
Still others congratulate me for making it in a male-dominated field.
One day, I was in the restroom before a flight. I was at the sink, brushing my
teeth, when a woman walked through the door and looked over at me. "My sister
would be so proud of you!" she remarked.
I figured her sister must be in the airline business, so I smiled and asked why.
Replied the woman, "She's a dentist."
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My two-year-old son's curly hair frequently draws comments from passersby. Once
two nuns saw him and smiled. I overheard the younger one say to her companion,
"Such beautiful curly hair. It's a shame it doesn't belong to a little girl."
With laughter in her voice, the older nun replied, "Someday it will."
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I've got 3 TVs, cable, & a satellite dish; I have 3 phone lines in the house, a
cell phone & one in the car, plus a pager.
I use 2 computers, 3 ISPs and a fax. I subscribe to two daily papers & one
weekly one. I watch both the local & network news every evening.
And my kids have the nerve to tell me I'm out of touch.
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Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "OK."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the
'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
~~~~~
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realized that I
need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back
again?"
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Ad for a Radiator Repair shop:
"IT'S THE BEST PLACE TO TAKE A LEAK!"
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A bonehead award goes to 17-year-old New Haven, Connecticut, teenager, Alex
Lowery.
Dumb: Paying someone $100 to shoot you in the leg so you won't be drafted into
the army.
Dumber: Paying someone $100 to shoot you in the leg so you won't be drafted into
the army when there is no draft.
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Frieda had just finished her fish dinner.
She was, however, not at all happy with it, so she called over the waiter.
"I've tasted fresher fish," said Frieda.
"Not in here," replied the waiter.
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When I was a 20-something college student, I became quite friendly with my study
partner, a 64-year-old man who had returned to school to finish his degree. He
confessed that he once had thought more than a friendship might be possible.
"What changed your mind?" I asked him.
"I went to my doctor and asked him if a
40-year age difference between a man and a woman was insurmountable."
"He looked at my chart and asked, 'You're interested in someone who's 104?'"
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Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up,
he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
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A pastor was assigned to a new church.
He was worried how he would be received.
At a reception for the pastor, he was given a nametag. Under his name was
written, "Hog caller".
The pastor responded by saying, "I usually am called 'shepherd of the sheep',
but you know your congregation better than I do!"
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One evening when a friend and I were out for a walk, we overheard neighbors from
India talking to one another in their native language. As we passed by their
kitchen window, we admired the colorful sari worn by the mother, and wondered
what exotic meal she was preparing. Then we heard her yell to someone in the
backyard, and our enchantment was shattered. "Hey, you guys!" she called. "How
do you want your hamburgers — rare or well done?"
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Ebay auction 6306185592 is a video tape of a man's wife having sex in a parked
car with another man.
It's being auctioned off to raise the $6,000 the man needs to file for a
divorce.
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A husband had just arrived home from a six-month tour of duty. The husband
closed the front door and immediately he and his wife were furiously making love
upstairs when, suddenly, the wind slammed a door shut somewhere else in the
house.
The husband said jokingly, "Oh God! NO!
That must be your husband coming home."
And the wife replies without thinking, "No, don't worry. He's off in the Navy
for six months."
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There were 2 male canaries just sitting in a cage, when one day, the door opened
and a female canary was tossed in. She hated being in the cage and flew circles
inside trying to find a way out.
One male canary looked at the other and said, "Hey, watch this!"
He called to the female, "Hey, I know how to get out of here."
She flew over and and begged him to tell her. He said, "Meet me at the bottom of
the cage." So she flew down to where he was waiting and he said, "Gimme some and
I'll tell you."
Being desperate to escape she gave him some birdie sex....only to be told when
they were done, "Ha!! There's no way out of here!!"
He flew up and high winged the other male. Two days later, the female was still
trying to find a way out when the other male called to her and said, "Hey, I
feel sorry for you!! Meet me at the bottom of the cage and I'll tell you how to
get out.
So...she flew down and he said, "Gimme some and I'll tell ya."
By this time, she was distraught and willing to do anything, so she gave him
some birdie sex....only to be told, "Ha!
Dummy there's no way out of here!"
That night the cage was covered and the female was still looking for escape. The
next morning the cover came off and to the astonishment of the male canaries,
the female was flying circles around the OUTSIDE of the cage!!!
Do you know how she got out????
...
Gimme some and I'll tell ya!
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British Rail
Customer: "How much does it cost to bathe on the train?"
Operator: "If you can get your feet in the sink, then it's free."
~~~~~
Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to
inquiries, can you help?"
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?"
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Center/"
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours."
~~~~~~
The Bank Caller: "I would like to borrow £2,000 please."
Operator: "Certainly, sir. Over how long?"
Caller: "Three years, please."
Operator: "OK, sir. That will be £75 per month for 36 months. Is that OK?"
Caller: "No, not at all. I want it all at once!"
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My wife talks all day long. I said to her the other day, "I am going to give you
a violin."
She said, "What for?"
I said, "To give your chin a rest."
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A bonehead award goes to these three drivers, ticketed by Toronto police, over
the past weekend:
1. A Quebec man driving a Ford Taurus with paper maché fenders. There were also
holes in the floor and no rear brakes.
2. Two Newfoundland drivers pulled over for weaving in and out of traffic at
high speed. "The first driver explained to police he was from Newfoundland and
didn't know the area, so he was being directed to his destination by cellphone
and he wanted to get there before the battery went dead. His friend in the
second car was following him."
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Never get between a dog and his bone, a bear and her cubs or a man and his
spittoon.
********************************
That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ...... and the Computer
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