REMINDERS:

Keep Your Cool!
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JOKES:
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As my husband and I were walking with our ten-month-old grandson, a dignified woman stopped us and said, "Isn't he adorable! How old is he?" Before I could answer, my husband quickly said, "I'll be fifty-five this month."
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Deciding to eat healthier breakfasts, my brother-in-law declared that oatmeal would now be his cereal of choice. But after eating his first bowl, he told my sister, "I hope I develop a taste for the stuff. It goes down real rough."

"Well," she asked, "how long did you cook it?"

"You're supposed to cook it?" he asked.
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"Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation."

Henry A. Kissinger
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A small girl, her young brother, and the baby were together in the living room.
The babysitter was out in the kitchen getting some milk and cookies when she heard the baby yelling.

She came quickly into the living room and saw the boy pinching the baby.
"Willy," shouted the babysitter, "why are you pinching the baby?"

"We're playing firemen," said his sister, "and the baby is the siren."
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Sign in a National Park...TO OUR CAMPERS:

Do not carve your name on wall or tree.
Carve it in someone’s heart by some kind word or deed.
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I had been out of the job market for several years when I was interviewed for a sales-management position at a department store. First, the personnel and department heads saw me, and then I met the store manager, who couldn't understand their vote to hire me. "So," he challenged, "what management experience have you ever had?" After thinking a moment, I replied confidently, "I get the meat, potatoes and vegetables on the table at the same time. That's management." I got the job.
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After receiving a lecture from my boss about paying attention to details, I decided to see if he practiced what he preached. When I prepared the payroll checks for the next pay period, I added two extra zeros to mine. Then I brought the batch in for his signature. I stood at his desk as time and again he wrote his name with a flourish — "Tom A Grandel."

When he finished, he gave me the checks to distribute. Soon afterwards I opened mine. On the signature line, in my boss' elegant handwriting, was "Try And Getit."
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Being older with grown children, I often tell younger parents to enjoy them now.

It's a short time between shitty diapers to a shitty attitude.
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An area pastor tells of his first Sunday in the new parish and presenting the children's message. Seems the sanctuary in the new church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so his message centered on how each of us is called of God to help make up the whole picture of life (the life of the community of the faithful). Like the pictures in the windows, it takes many little panels of glass to make the whole picture.

And then he said, "You see each one of you is a little pane." And then pointing to each child, "You're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And..."

It took a few moments before he realize why everyone was laughing so hard.
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"Just the same," snapped Noah's wife as she boarded the ark, "I'd feel much safer if those termites were locked up in a tin box!"
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The Funniest T-Shirts of 2003

Husbands May Come and Go, But Girlfriends Are Forever

I Hate Golf, I Hate Golf, I Hate Golf, NICE SHOT, I Love Golf

Old Fishermen Never Die; They Just Smell That Way

I'd Rather Be Sad in a Rolls-Royce Than Happy on a Bicycle

I Haven't Lost My Mind; It's Backed Up on a Disk Somewhere

Veni, Vidi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I Did a Little Shopping

I'm Your Father, Not an ATM
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Wisdom from Children

When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.

I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower.

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out.

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.

My young brother once asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt, and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth-- that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally-- but I didn't want to upset him.

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.
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Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
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Nowadays, both husband and wife are bringing home the bacon. The argument now is - who's going to cook it?
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You need a new car when . . .


~ You pull over to let a fire truck go by, and it stops behind you.

~ You have to go to a repair center every thousand miles to get the duct tape replaced.

~ You accidentally drive into a junkyard, drive out, and get accused of stealing.

~ The Blue Book lists your car under "Health Risk."

~ The only thing holding your bumper on is the "Dukakis/Bentsen '88" sticker.

~ You return to your car and find someone broke in and left a hundred dollars and a new stereo.

~ The valet puts on a crash helmet and full-body armor before parking your car.
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I called my two young employees into my office to inform them of their semiannual pay raise. "However," I told them, "because business has been slow your raise will be paltry." "You can't pay us in poultry!" Jeff exclaimed. "No, Jeff," said Chris. "I think she means chicken feed."
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How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?
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God help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they are usually NOT my fault.
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A cleaning woman was applying for a new position. When asked why she left her last employment, she replied, "Yes, sir, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked. They played a game called Bridge, and last night a lot of folks were there. As I was about to bring in the refreshments, I heard a man say, "Lay down and let's see what you've got." Another man said, "I've got strength but no length." Another man says to the lady, "Take your hand off my trick!"

I pretty near dropped dead just then, when the lady answered, "You jumped me twice when you didn't have the strength for one raise." Another lady was talking about protecting her honor and two other ladies were talking and one said, "Now it's time for me to play with your husband and you can play with mine."

Well, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving, I hope to die if one of them didn't say, "Well, I guess we'll go home now. This is the last rubber."
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Catholic Dictionary

Amen: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

Bulletin: Your receipt for attending Mass.

Choir: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.

Holy Water: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

Hymn: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three note higher than that of the congregation's range.

Incense: Holy Smoke!

Jonah: The original "Jaws" story.

Justice: When kids have kids of their own.

Magi: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

Manger: Where Mary placed Jesus after His birth because Joseph wasn't covered by traditional insurance.

Pew: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.

Recessional: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass - led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

Relics: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

Stable. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.

Ten Commandments: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
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Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, "I want you to help me obtain a divorce.
My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with."

"What do you mean?" asked the attorney.
"Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?"

"No, he doesn't," replied the woman, "and neither does the little queer."
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD One!
Chuck ....and the Computer
 

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