REMINDERS:

Keep Your Cool!
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JOKES:
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I was a computer savvy student, so the high school librarian called me to her office complaining of a computer crash.
While booting up the computer, I asked her what she had done immediately prior to the crash.

"I just erased some files that were taking up memory space," she replied matter-of-factly. "There was one big one that the Spanish teacher, Señorita Dobias, must have put on there. I think it was called DOS."
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My husband purchased a new pair of eyeglasses for me but then had to return them. When the sales clerk asked what was wrong with them, he said that even when I wore them I still didn't see things his way.
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"Mr. Clark, I'm afraid I have bad news,"
the doctor told his anxious patient; "You only have six months to live."

The man sat in stunned silence for the next several minutes.

Regaining his composure, he apologetically told his physician that he had no medical insurance.

"I can't possibly pay you in that time."

"OK," the doctor said, "Let's make it a year then."
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MANNERS

Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her shot.

"NO! NO! NO!" she screamed.

"Lizzie," her mother scolded. "That's not polite behavior."

At that, the girl yelled even louder, "NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU!"
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GRAVESTONE INSCRIPTION:


"Here lies Jan Smith, wife of Thomas Smith, marble cutter. This monument was erected by her husband as a tribute to her memory and a specimen of his work.
Monuments of this same style are two hundred and fifty dollars."
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The teacher was telling the class about plants that have the word "dog" in front of them: dogrose, dogwood, dog violet. She then asked the class if they could name another flower with the prefix "dog."
Steven raised his hand and said, "Sure, Miss Jones - a 'collie' flower!"
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John was not too skilled in the ways of meeting women, so his friends suggested that he go to a local disco where he might be able to meet some. When he got there, he didn't see any ladies he could dance with.

He started looking around the place further, and he found a door marked LADIES, and when he opened it, sure enough, there they were!!
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An airline stewardess was giving the standard safety briefing to the passengers.

She had just finished saying 'In the event of a water landing, your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device,' when a man remarked, "Hey! If the plane can't fly, why should I believe the seat can float?"
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Why can't you tell blondes knock-knock jokes?

Because they keep walking off to answer the door.
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Signs you need a vacation from the dogs...

1. When your spouse's shocked voice shouts from the shop, "Honey, come quick, I've had a terrible accident!", you show up breathless with a mop and scent neutralizer.

2. You wake panicked in the middle of the night when you sense you suddenly have room to move your body around the bed.

3. You can't sleep unless you hear lots of heavy breathing in your bedroom.

4. The emergency number on your speed dialer is for the dog's veterinarian.

5. When someone taps you on the shoulder, you tell them firmly, "Off!", then "Down!"

6. When tempers flare among your family members, you pull out the long forefinger, pointedly raise your voice and shout "Go to your crates, now!"

7. When someone asks what's for dinner you automatically reply, "Kibbles and Bits".

8. When you are walking a ring around the local park and someone points at you and your dog, you raise both arms over your head, whoop and go looking for a ribbon.

9. When shopping, your best friend asks you what you think of that snappy suit in the window, and you scowl and mutter, "Useless, it is the same color as my dog and it has no pockets."

10. When your neighbor points to her crawling infant and asks you what you think of her new baby, you study it for a minute and reply, "Well, a little short on coat and long in the hock, but that kid has a great topline!"

11. Dog cookies are starting to look good.

12. What's a vacation?
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At a company in the UK, a Quality Initiative made use of posters around the office featuring parts of motivating words such as: 'S CCESS' and 'VAL E'.

This was supposed to make you think that what was missing was 'U' (you).

However, to the joy of the staff, a handwritten addition to the posters appeared.

It was the single word: 'B LL'.
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The blonde was complaining to one of her friends.

"It was terrible!" she said. "I had to change seats five times at the movie last night!"

"Why? asked her friend. "Did some guy bother you?"

"Yeah," she said, "eventually!"
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Tom Fogerty has died.


He wakes up and finds himself on a stage on which a number of instruments are set up. A door offstage opens and in walk Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Brian Jones, John Lennon, Otis Redding, and Buddy Holly.

Each musician picks up his favorite instrument and begins tuning up. All of the instruments are taken but, to Tom's immense pleasure, the drums.

He walks up to Jimi and says, "Man, so this is what heaven is like."

Jimi looks at him and says, "Heaven?
You think this is heaven?"

At that moment, Karen Carpenter walks in, takes her seat behind the drums, and calls out, "Okay guys, 'Close to You'.
One, two, three, four..."
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Astronauts on the international space station make repairs outside the craft. The delicate maneuvers are part of an experiment.

NASA is testing the effect of zero gravity on bad language.
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THINGS YOU CAN LEARN AS A JUDGE AT THE COUNTY FAIR There's no beef in a cow pie.

"Swishing and spitting" works in wine tasting, but not cake tasting.

Feeding prize-winning chili to prize-winning hogs results in prize- winning flatulence.

Combining the tractor and taffy pulls into a single event was not as smart as it sounded.

Mrs. Fields, Otis Spunkmeyer, and Dolly Madison don't have a clue.

Never eat any of the vegetables until you've first made sure there's no resemblance to a country music singer, NASCAR driver, or religious figure
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When Jack was appointed manager of the local Zoo, he decided to improve business by exhibiting some exotic animals.

He wrote to Zoos all over the world requesting a variety of animals.

His first problem came with his letter to the Melbourne Zoo.

It began: "Dear Sir, Please would you send me a pair of mongooses."

It didn't look right, so he crossed out "mongooses" and wrote "mongeese".

That looked worse, so he crossed out "mongeese" and substituted "mongi".

Realizing things were going from bad to worse, he tore up the letter and started again:

"Dear Sir, Please send me a mongoose.
And while you're about it, send me another one."
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Now that General Motors is advertising its military vehicle, I'm waiting for the inevitable "Give the man you love a Hummer for Christmas" commercials.
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When Marco Polo first opened the trade routes to China, he was quite impressed with their rockets. Now, these weren't quite the fireworks we now know, but they did shoot into the air, explode and make some pretty patterns.

Strangely, no matter where he went, there were people who made fireworks, but he had trouble finding someone to demonstrate them for him. "Not here!"
they said. Very confusing.

Until ol' Marc came upon an ancient military fortification at the community of Chu'Lai. Here, fireworks were launched every night, and Marc was very impressed! But still he wondered, "Why here?"

At the end of every week, people came from great distances, bringing their own fireworks to launch. So Marco Polo asked his guide why everyone came here to launch their fireworks.

Marc's guide replied: "Why honored Sir, we always set off fireworks on the Forts of Chu'Lai"
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My children have never been thrilled about taking naps, but one day they were putting up more of a fuss than usual. In the middle of the tantrums, a friend called.

"What's all the commotion over there?"
she asked.

"Oh, nothing," I said. "Just the siesta resistance"
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ........ and the Computer
 

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