REMINDERS:

Keep Your Cool!
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JOKES:
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Surgeons invited to dinner parties are often asked to carve the meat -- or worse yet, to watch the host carve while commenting on the surgeon's occupation.
At one party, a surgeon friend was watching the carving while Harry, his host, kept up a running commentary:
"How am I doing, doc? How do you like that technique? I'd make a pretty good surgeon, don't you think?"

When the host finished and the slices of meat lay neatly on the serving platter, the surgeon spoke up: "Anybody can take them apart, Harry. Now lets see you put them back together again."
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Grandma moved in with us because she's moving slower now and starting to forget things ... Everyday for 4 or 5 days she has been telling me slowly the same long story. The other day I got impatient and finished it for her ... now she thinks I'm physic.
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Woodrow Wilson's father was a minister.
Rather tall and thin, Wilson Sr. made quite a contrast to his horse, which was well- built. One day with horse and buggy and young Woodrow along, the minister was asked by a parishioner, "Reverend, how is it that you're so thin and gaunt while your horse is so fat and sleek?"

Before he could reply, young Woodrow exclaimed, "Probably because my father feeds the horse and the congregation feeds my father!"
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A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing the letter 'R', and all the other kids were, of course, teasing him about it. To help him out, the teacher gave him a sentence to practice at home:
"Robert gave Richard a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare." In class a few days later, the teacher asked the boy to recite the sentence out loud.

The boy nervously eyed his classmates--many of them already laughing at him--then replied, "Bob gave Dick a poke in the side because the bunny wasn't cooked enough."
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INMUTABLE LAWS (WHICH CANNOT BE AVOIDED)

1. WHEN ONE WISHES TO UNLOCK A DOOR BUT HAS ONLY HAS ONE HAND FREE, THE KEYS ARE IN THE OPPOSITE POCKET. (VON FUMBLES LAW)

2. A DOOR WILL SNAP SHUT ONLY WHEN YOU HAVE LEFT THE KEYS INSIDE. (YALE LAW OF DESTINY)

3. WHEN ONES HANDS ARE COVERED WITH OIL, GREASE, OR GLUE, YOUR NOSE WILL START TO ITCH. (LAW OF ICHIBAN)

4. YOUR INSURANCE WILL COVER EVERYTHING BUT WHAT HAS HAPPENED. (INSURANCE SO SORRY LAW)

5. WHEN THINGS SEEM TO BE GOING WELL, YOU'VE PROBABLY FORGOTTEN TO DO SOMETHING. (CHENY'S SECOND COROLLARY)

6. WHEN THINGS SEEM EASY TO DO, IT'S BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T FOLLOWED ALL THE INSTRUCTIONS. (DESTINY AWAITS LAW)

7. IF YOU KEEP YOUR COOL WHEN EVERYONE ELSE IS LOSING HIS, IT'S PROBABLY BECAUSE YOU HAVE NOT REALIZED THE SERIOUSNESS OF THE PROBLEM. (LAW OF GRAVITAS)

8. MOST PROBLEMS ARE NOT CREATED NOR SOLVED, THEY ONLY CHANGE APPEARANCES. (EINSTEIN'S LAW OF PERSISTENCE)

9. YOU WILL RUN TO ANSWER THE TELEPHONE JUST AS THE PARTY HANGS UP ON YOU. (PRINCIPLE OF DINGALING)

10. WHENEVER ONE WANTS TO CONNECT WITH THE INTERNET, THE CALL YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR ALL DAY WILL ARRIVE. (PRINCIPLE OF BELLSOUTH)

11. IF THERE ARE ONLY TWO PROGRAMS ON TV THAT ARE WORTH YOUR TIME, THEY WILL ALWAYS BE AT THE SAME TIME. (LAW OF WASTELAND)

12. THE COST IS ALWAYS HIGHER THAN ONE BUDGETS FOR, AND IT IS EXACTLY
3.14 TIMES HIGHER, HENCE THE IMPORTANCE OF PI. (LAW OF PI EYED)

13. THE PROBABILITY THAT ONE WILL SPILL FOOD ON ONE'S CLOTHES IS DIRECTLY PROPORTIONAL TO THE NEED TO BE CLEAN. (LAW OF CAMPBELL SCOOP)

14. EACH AND EVERY BODY SUBMERGED IN A BATHTUB WILL CAUSE THE PHONE TO RING. (LAW OF OHMY GAD)

15. EACH AND EVERY BODY SITTING ON A COMMODE WILL CAUSE THE DOORBELL TO RING. (LAW OF OGOLLY GEE!)

16. WIND VELOCITY WILL INCREASE PROPORTIONALLY TO THE COST OF ONE'S HAIRDO. (THE DONKING PRINCIPLE)

17. AFTER DISCARDING SOMETHING NOT USED FOR YEARS, YOU WILL NEED IT ONE WEEK LATER. (LAW OF FATAL IRREVERSIBILITY)

18. ARRIVING EARLY FOR AN APPOINTMENT WILL CAUSE THE RECEPTIONIST TO BE ABSENT, AND IF ONE ARRIVES LATE, EVERYONE ELSE HAS ARRIVED BEFORE YOU. (LAW OF DE LAY)

19. DO NOT TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY, BECAUSE IN THE END, YOU WON'T COME OUT ALIVE ANYWAY. (THEORY OF ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY)
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A man was on his way home with a new car, which was absorbing all his attention, when it struck him that he had forgotten something.

Twice he stopped, counted his parcels, searched his pockets, but finally decided he had everything with him. Yet the feeling persisted. When he reached home his daughter ran out, stopped short, and cried: "Daddy, where's Mommy?"
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Driving my car one afternoon, I rolled through a stop sign. I was pulled over by a police officer who recognized me as his former English teacher. "Mrs. Brown," he said, "those stop signs are periods, not commas."
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If people weren't meant to have midnight snacks, then why do they put a light in the refrigerator?
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A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse.

"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.

The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.

"I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband."
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SEEN ON A BUMPER STICKER

"Daddy farted, and we can't get out!"
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At a family get together, a young boy of about 8 years of age asks his father, "What does fornication mean?"

The dad is freaked out by the question and demands to know, "Where did you hear a word like that?"

"From Uncle Charlie," responds the son.

Dad charges off to confront his brother.

Charlie doesn't have a clue what the problem is and explains that all he said was, "For-an-occasion like this you think they would serve champagne."
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Upon entering a room in a Washington hotel, a lady recognized a prominent Congressman pacing up and down and asked what he was doing there. "I'm going to deliver a speech."

"Do you usually get so nervous before making a speech?"

"Nervous," replied the man, "no, indeed. I never get nervous."

"Then," demanded the lady, "what are you doing in the Ladies' Room?"
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Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses
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Why do companies offer you "free gifts?"
Since when has a gift NOT been free?
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Wouldn't it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate?
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The Fourth of July is one of the most important American national holidays. A few years ago, a group of Friends (Quakers) were holding an international seminar on Orcas Island, one of the San Juan Islands of northwest Washington.

One British Friend said, "You Americans call it Independence Day. We British prefer the term 'Good Riddance Day'."
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When I was dating her, my ex-wife bought a used car. Actually, her father did all the negotiating, choosing, etc. She called me when she got home to tell me about her new car, and when I asked what kind it was, she said she didn't know, all she knew was that "it says 'PRNDL' over the steering wheel."
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In April, a man, age 24, was sentenced to
180 days in jail for 16 incidents of indecent exposure to women in stores in downtown Bay City, Mich. His explanation to the judge: "I was only hoping to get lucky, but I went about it the wrong way."
[Bay City Times, 4- 23-04]
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"The Supreme Court has struck down an internet porn law. The decision was almost delayed. Judge Clarence Thomas had requested to see more evidence."
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WEIRD NEWS

Mr. Angel Jones, 27, was convicted of aggravated assault against his girlfriend, specifically, biting off most of her nose in a rage; he admitted the nose was in his mouth but said that due to her using weight-loss medication, her nose had become brittle, and that it just fell off. And Maurice Williams, 24, was charged with perjury after he told a judge he was not "Williams," even though "Williams" was tattooed on his back. Said Maurice, "I can't see what's on my back. If there's some tattoos on my back, somebody's been bothering me when I'm asleep"
(Muncie, Ind., May). [Indianapolis Star,
5-25-04]
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"It used to bother me when people called me a pussy. But the joke's on them -- after all, you are what you eat!"
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BAD DATE STORY:


The worst prom night ever. I was going out with my boyfriend for 3 weeks and we went to prom together. On our way to prom his car broke down half way there.
we had to walk the rest of the way. when we got there he made me pay for pictures then we went out to the dance floor and started dancing after a while he said he would get me something to drink so I said okay. I was wondering where he was so I started looking around and there he was in the corner making out with one of my best friends! I walked away and pretended I didn't see. Then they were grinding in the middle of the dance floor as if I wasn't there. I couldn't believe it. I took a glass of punch and went up to him and poured it all over him and told him I never wanted to see his dirty a** again!
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What Woman can wash up, with her left Hand??

Cook with dinner with her Right Hand???

And Sweep with the floor with one Leg??

And Dust with the other one???

And give a great blow Job with her A*se???

Answer...

A Swiss Army Wife
******************************
That's the jokes for today and for this week.
Have a GREAT weekend!!!
Chuck .....and the Computer
 

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