REMINDERS:

Keep Your Cool!
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JOKES:
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After a concert a teenager once asked pianist, Arthur Rubinstein, for his autograph knowing he doesn't sign autographs. The teenager held out a pad and pencil and said to the great musician, "I know your fingers are tired, sir, but mine are, too -- from clapping."

He got his signature.
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We were moving, and my sons and I crowded into the cab of our rented six-meter-long truck. There was no room left for our enormous black Great Dane.
Whimsically, we put him in the driver's seat of the pickup we were towing. On the road, there was a sudden eruption of noise. We looked back to see the Dane's huge paws resting on the horn while he howled in protest. As I was about to pull over, another car came alongside. "Hey, lady!" the driver yelled. "Why don't you let him pass?"
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A Psychiatrist is a fellow who charges you a lot of money to tell you what your wife offers for free.
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Peter's speech was going very poorly.
One by one, members of the audience got up and left the auditorium. When he finished, there was only one gentleman remaining in his seat. Peter put his speech in his pocket and walked over to the man. "Thank you for staying," said Peter.

"You're welcome," said the gentleman.

"But please tell me," Peter asked, "why didn't you leave with everybody else?"

The gentleman took a folded piece of paper from his jacket pocket and said, "Because I'm the next speaker."
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My girlfriend called me as she was driving to an appointment. She arrived, and I could tell from her voice that she was getting frustrated. Finally she said, "I know I had my cell phone with me. And now I can't find it!"

I replied, "Aren't you talking on it!?"

There was a solid period of stunned silence as the reality of the situation sank in - followed by, "You are NOT going to tell anybody about this!"

A true story if you can believe it. Want to guess her hair color?
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Papa and I really missed our grandkids so last summer we planned a reunion and were able to gather all our wonderful children together. Our youngest granddaughter, Mary, was three, with chubby cheeks just begging to be pinched. At my daughter-in-law's request to "give Grandma and Grandpa kisses hello," Mary instead ducked behind her mom's legs.

Throughout the week Mary continued to hide whenever her mom asked her to give us a kiss. The end of the week came quickly and as our son and his family prepared to leave for the airport, I told them that I needed to say a special good-bye to Mary. I bent over and stared right into Mary's eyes. We stared good and long until I finally stood up.

"What was that all about?" asked my son.
Still looking at Mary, I said, "Our eyeballs kissed."

A grin split from ear to ear and Mary laughed. Then she ran to me and gave me a big hug. "Silly Gramma," she whispered in my ear. "I'll miss you." We miss her, too.
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My husband decided life would be easier if he wired a new light switch in the master bedroom to save us from fumbling in the dark for the lamp. He cut through the drywall and found a stash of bottles and small boxes inside the wall.

"Honey!" he called excitedly. "You've got to come here and see what I found."

I ran in and quickly realized that his next task would be to fix the hole that now led into the back of our medicine cabinet.
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Returning to her car the other day, my mother was perturbed to see a burly policeman standing by it. Wondering which law she could have broken, she approached him with a winning smile and said, "Oh, Officer, I do hope I haven't done anything wrong." "Madam," the policeman replied, with an air of resignation, "we have to stand somewhere."
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My wife and I stood surrounded by a large assortment of carpet samples that a sales lady had brought to our home. Despite her patient suggestions, we were not sure which would be the most suitable for our family room. As we continued to stare, our old cat strolled into the room. She took in the display, walked up to a swatch, settled herself comfortably upon it and began to purr. Our decision was immediate and unanimous.
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Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.

"It's never easy being a mother; if it were easy, fathers would do it!" (Just kiddin', Dads; we love you!)

"My Dog Can Lick Anyone."
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Joseph Stalin was out touring the State farm collectives and met Comrade Boris a farm worker. Noticing Boris's large family of 6, Stalin asked if all the the children were good communists.

Boris replied, "Yes, all except Little Ivan.
He has learned to read."
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Okay, so how did orange become the color telling us which pot of coffee at the restaurant is decaf?

You can thank - or blame - Sanka coffee, the first decaffeinated brand back in 1923.
The can it came in bore a distinctive orange label, as did the instant version that came out nine years later. To promote the brand, General Foods provided restaurants all over the country with orange-handled coffee pots. The gimmick caught on and has become tradition to this day.

The name "Sanka," by the way, comes from the French word "sans" (meaning without) and the first syllable in the word caffeine.
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A "too dumb to be a criminal bonehead award," goes to Mark Allen Patterson of Alabama who, after robbing a bank, showed up the following day at the local newspaper to tell them that their description of the getaway truck as "green" should have been "burgundy,"
police said.
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My family and I were touring the South and stopped to eat at a roadside diner somewhere in Alabama. My Mother and sister had ordered their usual favorites, golden fried chicken and chicken friend steak. I was undecided and read the menu three times. Then I noticed a large sign prominently displayed above the counter on the wall. It read: "Don't forget to ask about Our Special!

"Tell me about your special?" I requested.

All I got was a blank look. Finally, the counter woman looked at the gaudily colored sign to which I was pointing and admitted, "I never knew that was there, hon. I guess we have the sign--we just don't have no special."
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"A classic is something that everyone wants to have read and nobody wants to read." (Mark Twain)
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One woman in our tour group was a strict vegetarian. When she talked about her cat, though, she admitted that she fed her pampered pet expensive canned meats.
"Why is it all right for your cat to eat meat if it isn't for you?" I finally asked her. "My cat and I don't have the same beliefs,"
she replied.
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ......and the Computer
 

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