REMINDERS:

Keep Your Cool!
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JOKES:
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I answered the doorbell and a Jehovah’s Witness said, "Can I talk to you about God?"

I responded, "Sure, what would you like to know?"
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A housewife with three young children was getting dinner ready when the phone rang. The six-year-old picked it up and said, "Hi, Daddy!" and she began telling him about her day. She then passed the phone to her brother and sister as was the custom whenever Daddy called from work.

When it was finally the wife's turn to talk she took the receiver and said, "Hi, hon."

"Thank God, lady," the voice on the other end replied. "I just called to tell you that the wallpaper you ordered is here!"
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A friend of mine, who works for a city police force, was on duty when he noticed an elderly man driving too slowly. When stopped, the man told the officer that he was looking for a certain street. "You've got to go faster, sir; you're holding up traffic," admonished the officer. The man proceeded on his way, while the officer in his car followed in the same direction. On reaching the crest of a hill, the officer noticed the man's car on the shoulder of the road. He had been stopped by another policeman — for speeding.
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My seven-year-old nephew, Danny, took his dog Barney on a "take your pet to school" day. There were prizes for the smallest, the prettiest, the cutest, and the smartest pet. Determined that his dog should win a prize, Danny put him through a whole range of tricks. Finally Danny asked, "Barney, how much is two plus two minus four?" The dog sat and remained silent. "Right!" beamed Danny.
Barney won first prize.
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Shirley and Abe, a retired couple from New York City, living in Miami, are getting ready to go out to dinner. Shirley says, "Abe, darling, do you want me to wear this Chanel suit or the Gucci?"

Abe says, "Do I care?"

A few minutes later Shirley says, "Abe, should I wear my Cartier watch or my Rolex?"

Abe says, "Who cares?"

A few more minutes pass and Shirley says, "Abe, love, shall I wear my five-carat pear diamond ring or my six-carat round diamond ring with the baguettes?"

Abe says, "Shirley, I really don't care what you wear, but if you don't move your butt , we're going to miss the Early Bird Special at McDonalds."
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I was interviewing a cleaning woman that was applying for a position in helping with the upkeep in a house I was rehabbing and occupying in this small town Florida community.

When I asked the reason she had left her last employer, she replied, "Well, sir, they paid good wages, but I'm telling' you it was the most ridiculous and sinful place I've ever worked.

My last night they were playing some kind of game called Bridge and a lot of local town folks were there that I recognized from the social pages of our town newspaper.

I was about to bring in the refreshments, when I heard a man say, "Lay down and let's see what you've got."

Another man said, "I've got strength but no length."

"Then another man says to a lady, "Take your hand off my trick!"

"I pretty near damn near dropped the tray and dropped dead just then, when I was shocked to my senses to hear the lady answer, "You jumped me twice when you said you didn't have the strength for one more raise."

Another lady was talking about protecting her honor. And I couldn't believe it, in this respectable community, hearing yet another lady call out, "Now it's time for me to play with your husband and you can play with mine."

"Well, with them shenanigans going on, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving, I hope to die if one of them didn't say, "Well, I guess we'll all go home now because this is the last rubber."
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During his spare time, my brother, an attorney, volunteers on his town's fire and rescue squad.

When I mentioned this to a friend, he smiled and said, "Let me get this straight.
Your brother is a lawyer AND an EMT? So he doesn't have to chase the ambulance; he's already in it?"
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I was going to put some towels in a dye bath to brighten them up, but the box of dye recommends "30 minutes of continuous agitation," so I guess I'll just have to wait until the kids come home.
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There was, at least in the U.S., a TV ad for Microsoft's Internet Explorer 4.0 package which uses the musical theme of the "Confutatis Maledictis" from Mozart's Requiem.

"Where do you want to go today?" is the cheery line on the screen.

Meanwhile, the chorus sings "Confutatis maledictis, flammis acribus addictis,"
which may answer the question for some.

It translates as, "The damned and accursed are convicted to flames of hell."
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Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.

Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.

Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.

Remember, "Marriages are made in heaven, but then again, so are thunder and lightening."

Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "rings": The Engagement Ring The Wedding Ring The Suffe-Ring & The Endu-Ring
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The U.S. Senate passed the Defense of Decency Act last week, which cracks down hard on public profanity. It's epidemic.

On Sunday, three baseball players were thrown out of games just for quoting the Vice President after taking a called third strike.
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I was driving on a highway and saw hazard lights flashing on a bright red car by the side of the road. It was a police vehicle; a policeman was giving a ticket to a motorist he had caught speeding.
Then I passed the car and burst out laughing. In the rear window of the police car was a yellow, diamond-shaped sign.
But instead of the usual "Baby on Board,"
this one said "Surprise on Board."
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There was a forestry man at the college the other day with about thirty snakes...................I watched one of the nursing students go over to him and ask about the snakes.................She then asked if he had been bitten by any poisonous ones.............. He said "Yep.......right here", and showed her where it bit him...........Then she looked at the man and asked.........."And you lived?"...............He looks at her with a sneering smile and said to her......"You must be one of the nursing students"
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Michael Jackson filed complaints with Britain's Independent Television Commission and the Broadcasting Standards Commission, claiming that he was "unfairly treated" by the film crew that shot the recent documentary, "Living With Michael Jackson".

The film crew is countersuing MJ claiming post-traumatic freakish- stress disorder.
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The Supreme Court voted to strike down a law that would have shielded children from Internet pornography by requiring the sites to give special access codes to adults only.

Justices Kennedy, Souter, Ginsburg, and Stevens all voted against the law because it limits free speech and Justice Clarence Thomas rejected it because he doesn't want to carry those codes around with him all the time.
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD One!
Chuck ...... and the Computer
 

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