REMINDERS:

Keep Your Cool!
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JOKES:
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People who complain about the way the ball bounces usually dropped it.

People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of them being made.

People who think they know everything upset those of us who DO.

People will accept your ideas much more readily it you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.

People will believe anything if you whisper it.

People will buy anything that is one-to-a customer.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
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One night J. D. Roberts, an agent for the Drug Enforcement Agency, was involved in a raid on a drug house that was doing a brisk business in marijuana sales. He and the other agents were dressed in black "battle" fatigues with "Narcotics Agent" stenciled on them. Local uniformed officers in marked police cruisers also took part in the raid.

Roberts and his team easily entered the house and apprehended the suspect.
Several hundred pounds of marijuana were confiscated without incident. Within minutes the officers were collecting evidence and finishing up at the scene.

As Roberts started out the front door, he noticed a pickup truck parked behind one of the marked police cruisers in front of the house. Two long-haired individuals got out of the pickup and strolled past the police cruisers parked in the driveway, then walked up to Roberts and his partner.

"Hey man, he still selling pot?" Roberts looked at his partner, then back at the guy. "Yeah, he is. Just go around and knock on the back door." "Cool." The two men nodded and walked on.

Roberts watched in amazement as the two individuals sauntered around to the rear of the house. Roberts radioed the officers still inside the house that they had customers at the back door.

The uniformed officers inside quickly hid while one plainclothes detective answered the door. The new customers asked where the old owner was, and the officer explained that the owner had stepped out but that he could help them.

They requested a fifty-dollar bag of marijuana. The officer went to the next room, grabbed a handful from the four hundred pounds of pot they had just confiscated and stuffed it into a plastic bag. The two customers were ecstatic.
They thanked the officer for his generosity.

Roberts and his partner were still in the drive way, still wearing the black battle fatigues with "Narcotics Agent" stenciled on their chests, when the two customers headed back to their pickup, oblivious to the uniformed officers and the two marked police cruisers in the driveway.

Finally, Roberts walked up to the two satisfied customers and arrested them.
The agents reconfiscated the dope and impounded the pickup - just as another prospective customer pulled up.

Roberts decided this was too easy to ignore. "We moved the two cruisers and started putting the impounded vehicles in the back. We make about fourteen more sales and arrests that night. By the time we were through, the backyard was filled with cars. It was the darnedest impromptu sting I've ever seen."
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Theory is when you know how it works but it still doesn't.

Practice is when it works but you don't know why.

When theory and practice are joined together: nothing works and no one knows why!
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A Marine and his wife, on their way to the base commissary, came upon a recruit standing at attention by a mail-pickup station. Plastered to the young man's forehead were a number of postage stamps.

Asked about his situation, the recruit responded, "Sir, my drill instructor says I'm such a foul-up that he's mailing me home to my momma."
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At a local Arby's I ordered a bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich. I was told they did not carry that sandwich until another clerk told my server to give me the BLT which is on their menu.
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Son: Dad, what is a weapon?


Father: Well, Son, that's something you fight with.

Son: Is Mom your weapon?
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Wal-mart has been hit with a class action suit by former women employees. The company denies allegations of discrimination.

Regardless of gender, they underpay all employees the same.
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Top ten reasons why Racing is better than Sex:

10. It's socially acceptable to do it while others watch.

9. Bigger cars don't always get the most attention.

8. The phone won't ring in the middle of your race.

7. You get to use your rubber more than once.

6. You don't have to sit through dinner and a movie before you race.

5. You and the car always finish at the same time.

4. You always know where to put your hands.

3. You can drive hard, right from the start.

2. The quicker you finish, the better you are.

1. You can do it more than once in one afternoon.
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Long, unproductive meetings are often the bane of corporate life. My very funny boss at the software company where I work has come up with what just might be the perfect way to cut business conferences short before they start rambling out of control.

There comes a time when he announces, "All those opposed to my plan say, 'I resign.'" End of meeting.
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ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGE

You have reached 555-5515. Why?
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A Bonehead award, "too dumb to be a criminal", goes to Sheddrick Deon Bentley of Naples, Florida, who, covered in blood, walked into a Wal-Mart and bought garbage bags, according to police who had been wondering who was responsible for the body they found in a dump bin.

(this is true, it was on the news here!)
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I tried to draw my shadow once, but I couldn't. Know why? My arm kept moving.
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Presidential candidate Ralph Nader has chosen his candidate for vice president.

In a related story a tree fell in a forest and no one was there to hear it. -David Letterman
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Dear Valued Customer.....


Due to dramatic increases in our overhead costs, we are obliged to charge you for our general support services from this point forward. Our new price list is as follows:

Simple answers-- $3.00 Answers which need some thought-- $7.00 Honest answers-- $12.00 And, for services we find ourselves performing even more frequently:

Answers to dumb and unnecessary questions-- $20.00 We cannot keep our standard reactions free any longer: Shrug-- $1.00 Look dumb-- $2.00 Look very dumb-- $5.00 Get the boss-- $15.00 The one price that remains unchanged:

Ignore you completely-- FREE
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Canadians went to the polls in a federal election on Monday with a firm warning from election officials: Please do not eat your ballots.

"Eating a ballot, not returning it or otherwise destroying or defacing it constitutes a serious breach of the Canada Elections Act," Elections Canada warns on its Internet site.

Three Alberta men were charged with eating their paper ballots during Canada's last federal election, in 2000. The members of the Edible Ballot Society were protesting against what they said was a lack of real choice among candidates.
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A "government as good as it gets"
bonehead award, is shared by Tory grandee Lord Tebbit in the UK who is blaming the rise in UK obesity on homosexuals and Florida House candidate Ed Heeney who blames the difficulty he has in finding a place to shoot pool on lesbians.

Lord Tebbit says that homosexuality leads to broken families which means families no longer eat together which means they don't prepare meals properly which means they eat more fast food which means they get fat which means he's an idiot.

Heeney, the Florida house candidate, says that all the bars and restaurants in Florida that have pool tables are being bought up by lesbians who immediately remove the pool tables.
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A hungry termite knocked on wood and tasted it and found it good.

And that is why your Cousin Mary fell through the parlor floor today! (Ogden Nash...1902-1971)
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LIBRARIES ARE NO PLACE TO EAT (Dennis Perry)

You better not eat, you better not chew, you better not munch, we're talkin' to you!
Libraries are no place to eat.

You better not drink, you better not dine; if offered some food, politely decline.
Libraries are no place to eat.

You don't come here for bathing, you don't come here to smoke; so don't come here to eat your lunch - if you do we'll make you choke.

So put down that Coke, that apple, and cake; eating it here's a major mistake.
Libraries are no place to eat.

You better not bite, ingest, or consume; just take it outside - there's plenty of room. Libraries are no place to eat.

We see you when you're snacking, we hear you when you gulp; we're gonna take your taco chips and mash them into pulp!

We've taken an oath all munching to squelch; you better not gobble, gurgle, or belch. Libraries are no place to eat.

We don't care how great your grandmother cooks; we don't want those fingers touching our books. Libraries are no place to eat.

The next time your stomach's craving some food, remember these points we've carefully reviewed. Libraries are no place to eat!
********************************
That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ..... and the Computer
 

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