REMINDERS:

Belmont Stakes - Sat, Jun. 11 - 2 days

Flag Day - Tue, Jun 14 - 5 days

Father's Day - Sun, Jun 19 - 10 days

Summer Solstice - Tue, Jun 21 - 12 days

Independence Day - Mon, Jul 04 - 25 days
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JOKES:
.......
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
"Give me one last request, dear," he said. "Of course, John," his wife said softly "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Barney."

"But I thought you hated Barney," she said.

With his last breath John said, "I do!"
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I couldn't decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so I called the airlines to get prices. "Airfare to Denver is $300," said a cheery salesperson.

"And what about Salt Lake City?"

"We have a really great rate to Salt Lake--$99.00, but there is a stopover."

"Where?"

"In Denver."
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Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with a moody public. So when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice, "What's the trouble?"

"I went out this morning," she began, "and when I came home I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one was home.
I'll have you know, my husband was in all morning! He never heard a thing!"

After apologizing, I got her parcel.

"Oh good!" she gushed. "We've been waiting for this for ages!"

"What is it?" I asked.

"My husband's new hearing aid."
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"A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's.
That's because she changes it more often."

Oliver Hereford
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My boyfriend, Tim, a mechanic, does work for the Air Force Academy.

One day, a guard asked, "Mind if our new guard dog practices sniffing your truck?"

Tim obliged and the dog went to work. Almost immediately, it latched onto a scent and jumped into the truck bed, sniffing furiously.

Tim grew nervous. There were no drugs, no weapons. What could this dog possibly be after? A few minutes later, the guard approached Tim.

"Sorry," he said sheepishly. "Our dog ate your lunch."
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An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass. The CO says "Are you crazy? You just joined the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"

The soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

The CO was so impressed, he asked, "How did you do it?"

"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, 'Do you want to get a 3-day pass?' So we exchanged tanks!"
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Complaining of blurred vision, an inmate was brought into the prison clinic where I am a medical clerk. In a previous visit, he had all the usual vision tests, and picked out lenses and frames. This day, the optometrist fit the prisoner with his new pair of glasses.

"How's that?" he asked.

"I'll put it to you this way," said the prisoner. "If I had these before I got arrested, I'd have seen that those uniformed men chasing me weren't mailmen."
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An Irishman's wife calls the doctor, stating that her husband has taken ill. The doctor asks if she had taken his temperature; she replied that she hadn't but would and then call back.

When she hadn't called within a half hour, the doctor called and asked her what had happened. She said, "Well, I didn't have a thermometer, so I put a barometer on his chest and it said dry, so I gave him a pint and he went off to work!"
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The key to successful business is good customer relations. But the customer doesn't always keep up his end of the bargain. An employee at a retail store saw a woman struggling with an armful of items.

"Would you like a shopping basket?" he asked.

Eyeing him angrily, the woman shot back. . . .
"Don't you think I've got enough to carry?"
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An engineer, my husband often needs to study the shapes of human body parts to make sure equipment for magnetic resonance imaging is properly designed. Desperately searching for a model to use for a breast coil he was working on, he went to a department store and requested bras in sizes 34A to 40C.

"Which one is for your wife?" asked the confused clerk.

He shook his head. "None of them."

"Really?" she said. "You're worse than I thought."
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I recently found this great website that conducts cyber garage sales. You list your stuff you want to sell or buy in the subject line of a e-mail, send it off and wait for a response.

Recently, I sent a note saying I was in the market for three particular items. In short order, I got three responses.

However, nobody had any of the items I'd listed. But they "all" found what I'd written amusing..... "Wanted--envelopes, piano bench, and one night stand."
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A friend of mine, a retired pilot, sent me the following anecdotes from his student pilot days:

I had an acquaintance who got all the way through flight training although he had one really bad eye. The drill was: doctor gives you a little "paddle" and says, "Cover one eye and read the lowest line you can on that chart." So he takes the "blinder" in his left hand and covers his left (bad) eye and reads the 20/20 line. Doc says, "O.K., Now cover the other eye and do it." So the guy switches the paddle to his right hand and covers his left eye and reads the 20/15 line.

"Very good," the doc says and they move on to the next exam. Worked every time!"
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While on vacation with my son and his family, I shared a room with my 4 year old granddaughter.

One morning when she awoke, she told me she had some nice dreams and proceeded to tell me about them.

I told her I wished that I was able to dream like she does.

She said, "But you can't because you snore too much, Grandma."
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My dog has seizures and in an effort to try to determine what caused them, he went in for a cat scan. When we brought him home, his head was completely shaved and he had dark blue permanent marker dots to indicate where to inject the lidocaine for his procedure.

The following morning when I got up, my dog's head was now also covered in bright green marker lines... I asked my daughter who was about 4 or 5 at the time what happened.

With the biggest, proudest grin on her face she informed me that she connected Gus's dots....
yup she sure did and we were very sorry to see the hair grow back eventually!"
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One day our German class was unusually talkative despite repeated warnings, and our teacher was becoming rather exasperated. After what must have been the sixth or eighth warning, he raised his voice to declare, "All right! The next person who talks is going to be severely castigated."

The class was then very quiet for a few seconds, at least until a girl in the front row asked the teacher, "Mr. T--, how are you going to do that to a girl?"
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A colleague was planning a trip to my business office and asked if I could find him a hotel with exercise facilities. I called several hotels, with no luck. Finally, I thought I had found one. I asked the receptionist if the hotel had a weight room. "No," she replied, "but we have a lobby.
You can wait there."

We have seen the new 25 cent pieces representing the states. New Jersey has Washington crossing the Delaware, Connecticut is represented by a tree, and Georgia by a peach, but does anyone know if the horse on the Delaware coin is a quarter horse?
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ......... and the Computer
 

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