TODAY'S JOKES 6-9-03
***************REMINDERS
Flag Day Sat, Jun 14 - 5 days
Father's Day Sun, Jun 15 - 6 days
Summer Solstice Sat, Jun 21 - 12 days
Independence Day Fri, Jul 04 - 25 days
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JOKES:
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John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his wife's side of the bed.
His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen.
Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into he room and asked him to take this note to your beautiful Mommy."
The note read:
The Tent Pole Is Up, The Canvas Is Spread, The Hell With Breakfast, Come Back To Bed.
Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son to take this to your silly Daddy.
Her note read:
Take The Tent Pole Down, Put The Canvas Away, The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage, No Circus Today.
John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply.
Then, he asked his son to take it back to "the lady in the kitchen."
His note read:
The Tent Pole's Still Up, And The Canvas Still Spread, So Drop What You're Doing, And Come Give Me Some Head.
Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked her son to take this to the poor dude upstairs."
Her note read:
I'm Sure That Your Pole's The Best In The Land.
But I'm Busy Right Now, Do It By Hand!
(Contributed by "Chuck's Daily" reader, John Gross)
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Sunburn
A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed in the emergency room with second-degree burns. He was already starting to blister and in agony. The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and electrolytes, a sedative and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him?" The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheets off his legs."
(Contributed by "Chuck's Daily" reader, John Gross)
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The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy. He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Sub School.
The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir', it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."
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An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US government officials sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his material wealth. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."
The chief nodded that it was so.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion where did the white man go wrong?"
The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied.......................
"When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve that system."
(Contributed by "Chuck's Daily" reader, Dave Sundy)
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MARRIAGE SHORTS
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
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Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
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A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
The woman replied, "A billionaire."
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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
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Speaking at the Staff Meeting, a very pert and pretty female engineer named Renee told the male manager of the Division, "I'd like to get something off my chest."
"What's that, Renee?"
"Your eyes."
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My wife and I were browsing in a crafts store when I noticed a display of country-style musical instruments. After looking over the flutes, dulcimers and recorders, I picked up a shiny, one- stringed instrument I took to be a mouth harp. I put it to my lips and, much to the amusement of other shoppers, twanged a few notes on it.
After watching from a distance, my wife approached and whispered in my ear, I hate to tell you this, dear, "but you're trying to play a cheese slicer."
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My English professor was stopped for speeding. When asked why she was driving so fast, she quoted Robert Frost: "I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep."
"But, Miss," replied the officer, obviously familiar with the poet, "Frost chose the road less traveled, and, unfortunately for you, this wasn't it."
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Linda: Do you know what the best oral contraceptive is?
Jill: No.
Linda: That's right.
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In the book "Gaily The Troubadour,"
published in 1936, Arthur Guiterman wrote the following poem.
Reading his observations, you wouldn't guess it was written nearly seventy years ago.
First dentistry was painless; Then bicycles were chainless And carriages were horseless And many laws, enforceless.
Next, cookery was fireless, Telegraphy was wireless, Cigars were nicotineless And coffee, caffeinless.
Soon oranges were seedless, The putting green was weedless, The college boy hatless, The proper diet, fatless.
Now motor roads are dustless, The latest steel is rustless, Our tennis courts are sodless, Our new religions, godless.
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Have you heard of this new book entitled "1001 Sex Secrets Men Should Know?"
It contains comments from 1001 different women on how men can be better in bed.
I think that women would actually settle for three:
Slow down, turn off the TV, call out the right name. - Jay Leno
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After issuing driver's licenses for 20 years, a clerk was transferred to the Marriage License Bureau.
Almost at once, he was in trouble. Young couples were leaving his window red-faced and angry.
His supervisor asked what was wrong.
"I can't seem to help it," muttered the dismayed clerk. "I just can't get out of the habit of asking whether they want the license for business or pleasure."
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This is too sad to be a joke...
The government taxes you when you bring home a paycheck. It taxes you when you make a phone call. It taxes you when you turn on a light. It taxes you when you sell a stock. It taxes you when you fill your car with gas. It taxes you when you ride a plane. It taxes you when you get married. Then it taxes you when you die.
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"I'll tell you," one old guy said, "I've learned that arthritis is the cruelest disease."
"Crueler than cancer?" his friend asked.
"You bet," the first old codger replied. "It makes every single one of your joints stiff, except the right one."
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After they had finished making love, the cowboy was telling the lady who'd picked him up about his days on the range. "It's the only life for me. In fact, I wantta die with my boots on."
As they both heard a car, she said, "Well... better get 'em on Slick, that's the Sheriff, my husband."
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An obnoxious guy walks into the neighborhood bar and sits next to a local honey already having her first beverage. As he tries to strike up a conversation she keeps ignoring him. Finally he says, "You know me, why don't you talk to me?"
She replies, "Yes, I know you, you're Morgan - big M, small organ."
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Why is it that when you drop coins the pennies will fall nearby, while all the others will roll out of sight?
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Supposedly a true case back in the 1970s It was a difficult case for the jurors. They had to decide whether the owners of the Bottoms Up Club in NYC were guilty of obscenity. The Judge decided that it would probably be best if the jury went to the club and see the allegedly obscene act.
The judge and the jury watched the act once, focusing on the part where a sexy couple performed the "Dance of Love" with a climactic scene of lovemaking on a bearskin rug. The jury was unable to decide definitely whether it was obscene or not.
So the jury members asked to see the act one more time. They watched it carefully again. But they still couldn't reach a decision. So this time they asked the understudies to perform the same act one more time.
Fortunately, the police involved in the case were very understanding. According to Detective Gil Powers: "It is a difficult matter. The police have watched the show 75 times."
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Michael Douglas says that he has retraced his family roots and has found that his great-great-grandfather was a pirate.
Catherine Zeta-Jones has retraced her roots and she found that her great-Great-grandfather is Michael Douglas.
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Tampons are now being made in "designer colors." Whom are you trying to impress with this? Do you open one and think, "Well, this won't match"? - Jay Leno
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck .....and the Computer
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