TODAY'S JOKES 6-6-03
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REMINDERS

Flag Day Sat, Jun 14 - 8 days

Father's Day Sun, Jun 15 - 9 days

Summer Solstice Sat, Jun 21 - 15 days
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JOKES:
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A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn.

He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed in the emergency room with second degree burns. He was already starting to blister and in agony.

The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and electrolytes, a sedative and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him?"

The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheets off his legs."
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Seen at Fleegleman's Kosher Deli: "The customer is always right; misinformed maybe -- perhaps impolite, stubborn, and irate, even dumb, ... but never wrong!"
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In 1983, China launched an extensive 12 month program that was carefully designed to teach the fundamentals of birth control to the rural populace.
Doctors and nurses were televised demonstrating the use of condoms and birth control pills. The people were encouraged to faithfully practice these techniques.

The following year, the program was declared a complete failure; the birth rate had actually increased.

The experts were puzzled, until a survey was conducted. The survey revealed that most of the rural Chinese people were faithfully following the birth control techniques; 79% of the men were taking the pill every day, and 98% of them were carefully putting a condom on their index fingers before sex - just as demonstrated on TV.
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Four Little Words

Heather and Marcy hadn't seen each other in awhile, so they decided to meet for lunch. The talk naturally got around to their respective love lives. Marcy confided that there really wasn't anyone special in her life. Heather, on the other hand, was beaming about the new man she had found.

"He's perfect. He's handsome, and last night when we went out to dinner, he said the four little words I've been waiting to hear a man say to me!"

"He said 'will you marry me'?" Marcy asked.

Heather replied, "No, he said 'put your money away'."
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Max Greenberg was at his favorite eatery, the Second Avenue Deli, when he called over the waiter.
"Yes?" asked the busy waiter.
"Are you sure you're the waiter I ordered from?" asked Max.
"Why do you ask?" replied the waiter.
Riposted the customer, "Because I was expecting a much older man by now."
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Esther was talking to her friend Sadie.
"My son Sammy," said Esther proudly, "has first class degrees in psychology, economics and politics."
"You must be proud of him," said Sadie.
"Yes I am," replied Esther. "He can't get a job but at least he knows why."
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A pastor was giving a lesson to a group of children on the 23rd Psalm. He noticed that one of the little boys seemed disquieted by the phrase "Surely, goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life..."
"What's wrong with that, Johnny?" the pastor asked.
"Well," answered Johnny, "I understand about having goodness and mercy, for God is good. But I'm not sure I'd like Shirley following me around all the time."
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During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema prayer was said, half the congregates stood up and half remained sitting. The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up...
The rabbi didn't know what to do. His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound 98-year old man, who was one of the original founders of their temple. The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was, so he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation.
The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, "Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?"
The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."
The one whose followers sat asked, "Is the tradition to sit during Shema?"
The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."
Then the rabbi said to the old man, "The congregates fight all the time, yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand..."
The old man interrupted, exclaiming, "THAT is our tradition!"
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Two guys were driving a truck through the back roads when they came to an overpass with a sign which read, "CLEARANCE: 11' 3."
They got out and measured their rig, which was 12 feet 4 inches tall. "What do you think?" said one as they climbed back into the cab of the truck. The driver looked to his left then to his right, checked the rear view mirrors, then shifted into first gear and stepped on the gas. "Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"
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A parishioner had undergone a serious operation and was still under the influence of the sedative when the vicar came, so the vicar just said a prayer and left. The next day he returned and asked the patient if he had been aware of his visit. "I vaguely remember your visit yesterday. I remember opening my eyes and thinking 'I can't be in Heaven because there is the vicar'."
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BIRDIE STORY
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"I can't make it;" The baby pigeon said, "I'm getting too tired."
His mother said, "Don't worry; I'll tie a piece of string to one of your legs and the other end to mine."

The baby pigeon started to cry. "What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I don't want to be pigeon towed!"
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I have a friend that is Jewish. Upon the purchase of a used freezer, my friend went on to tell me how to test if the seal was bad or good. "Take a one-dollar bill, put it into the door and pull; if it comes out you have a bad seal."
I told her we could do that but I didn't have a dollar bill. Her answer: "Well I can't either, all I have is a ten." True Story!
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And finally, another USA survey found that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population.
(Letterman)
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When Morty returned home from work, his wife Ruth said, "So how was your day?"
He replied, "I met an artist and I've never met someone so talented. He said he painted a picture of a cobweb on his wall and it looked so real, the maid tried for over an hour to get it off.
Ruth said, "I don't believe him."
"Why not?" said Morty, "some artists are very good indeed."
"Maybe," said Ruth, "But maids aren't."
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You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
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Nina: "Oh Rosey. This new guy I'm dating is sooooo romantic. Every time he speaks to me, he starts with, 'Fair Lady'."

Rosey: "Romantic my ass! Don't you know he used to be a bus driver."
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"Excuse me," Nissbaum said to the cashier at David's Deli, as he examined the check, "what's this eight bucks for?"
"For the chopped liver sandwich, sir."
"Really?" said the startled customer.
"Whose liver was it, Rockefeller's?"
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An engineer for Fox News Channel has been charged with trying to smuggle 12 paintings he stole out of Iraq.
He said he was just trying to live up to Fox News Channel's new slogan: "We pillage. You Decide."
(Patrick M. Rhody)
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That's the jokes for today and for this week.
Have a GREAT weekend!!!!!
Chuck .......and the Computer

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