TODAY'S JOKES 6-5-03
***************REMINDERS
Flag Day Sat, Jun 14 - 9 days
Father's Day Sun, Jun 15 - 10 days
Summer Solstice Sat, Jun 21 - 16 days
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JOKES:
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While attending a marriage seminar on communication, David and his wife listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" David leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"
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Guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.
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Amanpreet heard a rumor that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all walked on water on their 21st birthdays.
So, on his 21st birthday, Amanpreet his good friend Brian headed out to the lake. "If they did it, I can too!" he insisted.
When Amanpreet and Brian arrived at the lake, they rented a boat and began paddling. When the got to the middle of the lake, Amanpreet stepped off of the side of the boat... and nearly drowned.
Furious and somewhat shamed, he and Brian headed for home.
When Amanpreet arrived back at the family farm, he asked his grandmother for an explanation.
"Grandma, why can I not walk on water like my father, and his father, and his father before him?"
The feeble old grandmother took Amanpreet by the hands, looked into his eyes, and explained, "That's because your father, grandfather, and great-grandfather were born in January...
you were born in July, dear."
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A distraught dog owner called a vet pleading for an immediate appointment. He explained that his dog had a large growth or swelling near the corner of its mouth, so I told him to bring the animal over. When the man came in with his pet, the vet examined the dog as the man stood by, anxiously waiting. At last the doctor turned to him and asked,"Do you have any children?"
"Oh, good grief, is it contagious?" the man gasped.
"No," the doctor answered. "It's bubble gum."
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A street-wise stunningly beautiful blonde walked into a bank and asked to see the manager about a loan.
When seated in his office, she said, "Look! Before we get started on this, I heard a story where a girl borrowed some money and she was unable to pay it back. The manager of the bank made her sleep with him for $100 a nite until the loan was paid off.
Could that happen?"
The bank manager smiled, "Well, I've never heard of such an occurrence, it's not likely..." then he looked her over again, "but... I guess it's not impossible."
"Good!" smirked the blonde, "I'd like to borrow $286,000."
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A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing the letter "R, " and all the other kids were, of course, teasing him about it. To help him out, the teacher gave him a sentence to practice at home: "Robert gave Richard a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare."
In class a few days later, the teacher asked the boy to recite the sentence out loud.
The boy nervously eyed his classmates--many of them already laughing at him--then replied, "Bob gave Dick a poke in the side because the bunny wasn't cooked enough."
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A woman is checking out at the grocery store and one cashier is telling another, "He's the biggest sexist I've ever met; his ego knows no bounds and he tells the most God-awful jokes. But I can't help myself, married or not, I love him."
When she goes home she asks her husband, "George, are you having an affair with one of the cashiers at the grocery?"
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A redhead found out that her husband was cheating on her while stationed in Saudi a few months ago, so she sends him this care package.
He is excited to get a package from his wife back home. He finds that it contains a batch of home made cookies and a VHS tape of his favorite TV shows.
He invites a couple of his buddies over and they're all sitting around having a great time eating the cookies and watching some episodes of South Park.
Right in the middle of one episode the tape cuts to a home video of his wife on her knees sucking off his best friend.
After a few seconds, he does his business in her mouth and she turns and spits the load right into the mixing bowl of cookie dough.
She then looks at the camera and says, "By the way, I want a divorce."
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The widow lay crying on her psychiatrist's couch. "We were married twenty-five years before he died," she said, dabbing away a tear. "Never had an argument in all those years."
"Amazing," said the doctor. "How did you do it?"
"I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a coward."
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SIGNS YOUR PASTOR NEEDS A VACATION
His first words to the congregation on Sunday morning are "All right, listen up you heathens..."
He falls asleep during his own sermon.
He shows up for Sunday service wearing Bermuda Shorts and a Tank Top.
Every time his pager goes off, he shouts, "Why can't they just leave me alone?!"
Announces baptismal services will be at the Grand Canyon.
You go to his office for counseling and pour your heart out to him and he says, "Sounds like a personal problem to me."
For the past two months he has preached the same sermon every Sunday.
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SAMPLE OF A MODERN LOVE LETTER
Dearest Samantha, I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with you since Tuesday, the 17th of August 2001.
With reference to the meeting held between us on the 17th of August 2001 at 1500 hours, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of no less than three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent.
Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous relationship training and relationship appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses.
However I am broad-minded enough, to be taken care of, on your expense account.
I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be canceled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.
Thanking you in anticipation.
Yours sincerely, Max MODERN REPLY TO MODERN LOVE LETTER Dear Max, Please refer to your letter dated today. I am pleased to inform you that I hope to accept your proposal for romance.
However, you should be informed that there are certain conditions of acceptance. Promotional prospects are to my satisfaction.
However, please enlighten me as to your retirement benefits.
Gratuity should be generous.
I also need to be assured that there is sufficient security with regards to this commitment. If there is any chance at all of retrenchment or consequent disinterest on your part, then I should receive monetary compensation according to union standards.
Due to the nature of my position, I am sure you will agree that an expense account should be arranged for my access in light of the 'VIP'. I shall be entertaining. In addition, housing and transport allowances should be in order and nothing less than a Jaguar is in order.
Please also note that there should be no moonlighting restrictions placed on myself. If you are still interested in the relationship, please reply on an urgent basis as other prospective lovers have sent indications of interest.
Please also note that my sister is happily employed.
Yours perhaps, Samantha!
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ......and the Computer
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