REMINDERS:

Independence Day - Mon, Jul 04 - 4 days
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JOKES:
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It was the third day my husband, Joe, had been in the intensive care unit following his fifth surgery for the removal of most of his remaining small intestine. The surgery took many more hours than expected. Joe was older and weaker, and he wasn't responding.

As I sat beside his bed, two nurses tried repeatedly to get him to cough, open his eyes, move a finger - anything to let them know he could hear them. He didn't respond. I sat praying to God to please help Joe respond - any sign that he might survive.

Finally, one of the nurses turned to me and suggested that perhaps if she knew something personal about our family, she could try to stimulate his response with that knowledge.
She said, "Maybe you, as his daughter, could help us with such information."

I smiled and said, "I'll be happy to give you personal information, and thank you for the compliment, but I'm his wife of forty-three years, not his daughter, and we're about the same age."

The nurse looked at me and said, "The entire staff thought you were his daughter and had even commented how wonderful they thought it was that his daughter was with him all the time."

As they were expressing how I looked so young, a little cough came from my husband, and we all turned to stare at him. He didn't open his eyes, but loud and clear he said, "She dyes her hair!"
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Fahrenheit was born on this day in 1686. He was an annoying man. It was by asking people what he should do with his invention that he discovered the rectal thermometer.
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On the way home from my job at the pet boarding kennel, I stopped at the grocery store.
I was in line at the checkout counter with a full cart when I noticed a man on a longer line buying only two items. Without thinking, I did what I always do when calling to another of God's creatures: I whistled at him and commanded, "Come!"

As the man got in line in front of me, he grumbled, "Lucky for you my tail's wagging."
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The doctor met a former patient on the street.
"Hello, Mr. Brown," he said. "Er-uh, that check you gave me came back."

"That's funny," said Brown. "So did my lumbago."
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Walter arrived at his office late one morning and was greeted with giggles from the pretty young receptionist.

"What are you laughing at?" asked Walter.

"There's a big black smudge on your face," said the girl.

"Oh, that!" said Walter. "That's easy to explain.
I saw my wife off on a month's vacation this morning; I took her to the train station and kissed her good-bye."

"But what about the smudge?"

"As soon as she got on board, I ran up and kissed the engine."
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My soft-boiled egg was rock hard, and so I asked my wife how long she had set the timer for. "Two minutes," she replied.

"Two minutes?" I asked incredulously, poking again at the solid mass.

"Yes, two minutes," she said. Then, after a pause, she added, "I don't know how long it had been boiling before I set the timer."
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"Well, Ted, you're certainly coming up in the world. What's the idea of playing golf with not one, but two caddies!"

"Oh, it was my wife's idea."

"Your wife?"

"Yeah," answers Ted, "She thought I should spend more time with the kids."
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One time in an evangelistic crusade the evangelist stopped the invitation and asked for every Christian to witness to the person next to them. A small boy turned to the gentleman standing near him and said, "Mister, do you know Jesus as your personal Savior?"

Very condescendingly the man looked down at the little boy and replied, "Why son, I'm an ordained deacon."

With all the innocence in the world, the little boy replied, "Mister, it don't matter what you've done. God will save you anyway!"
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Do you realize the Rolling Stones are now in their sixties? At this rate soon we'll have a rock star die of natural causes.
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I don't consider myself bald. I'm simply taller than my hair.
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Among the "freebies" ads in our local classified ads newspaper- such as a boat that no longer floats, a freezer that no longer freezes, flower bulbs you have to dig up-was one I could relate to: "Free, stair climber. No longer needed as a plant stand."
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My wife should have been a lawyer. Every time we have an argument and she feels she's losing, she takes it to a higher court: her mother.
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God made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
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My boyfriend is a fitness trainer, very enthusiastic. He loves doing bench presses and squats. I have my favorite exercises, too; the refrigerator lunge, followed by the microwave push.
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Short of cash, my brother's friend Harry had to use his credit card often during a move from Massachusetts to Washington, D.C. in search of work. Harry stayed with my brother for a short while after he arrived, and on numerous occasions mentioned how he loathed owing money. My brother didn't realize how much Harry hated debt until he opened his freezer one day and found, frozen in the middle of a large chunk of ice, Harry's credit card.
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Don't go to a school reunion.


There'll be a lot of old people there claiming to be your classmates.
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The President of a big corporation decided to take the coffee break in his posh cafeteria and review the workings for a change.

The proud President wanted to impress upon an young boy waiter cleaning the tables, beckoned him with his finger to come to him and started bragging. He asked, "Boy, how much do you make?"

The boy waiter told him his lowly income.

The big boss asked again, "Do you have any future plans, son?"

The boy nodded, "Sir, one day at a time is my life."

The big boss continued, "Listen boy and remember, when I was your age, I came from the country side as a poor no good bum. No one would employ me. I had no food, no shelter, and was a kicked out as rotten ass. And boy, look what I have today! Cars, houses, money, stocks, bonds, wealth, name recognition, mistresses. And, what do you have, tell me?"

The waiter replies humbly, "Sir, I have what you could not get, a paying job."
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WORD for YOUR WEEK: My wife and I were trying to explain to my daughter this past weekend the meaning of the word "rummage."
As in "Rummage Sale." After a little research, now I know that its roots go back to Greece in the 1500s when "arrumer" meant to store cargo in a room on a ship. To "rummage" meant to search through that room thoroughly. The first recorded instance of a rummage sale was in
1858 and it was a sale of unclaimed goods from different cargo ships. It was held on the dock.
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Caller: Hi, I am Mario, a working in a the kitchen here at a Umberto's, and a my a keyboard she no work a no more.

Tech Guy: That's bad, Mario. Are you sure it's plugged-in all the way?

Caller: Oh yeah, I a plugged it a back in a myself right after I cleaned it.

Tech Guy: You say you cleaned it?

Caller: A yes, it's a clean as a whistle, about 15 a minutes in the dish-a-washer!
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ....... and the Computer

 

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