TODAY'S JOKES 6-2-03
***************REMINDERS
Flag Day Sat, Jun 14 - 12 days
Father's Day Sun, Jun 15 - 13 days
Summer Solstice Sat, Jun 21 - 19 days
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JOKES:
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"A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible." (George Burns)
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Q: Why is a joke like sex?
A: Neither is any good if you don't get it.
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A Visit to the Hygienist
As a dental hygienist, I had a family come in one day for cleanings. By the time I was ready for the father, he informed me I had a lot to live up to.
His six-year-old daughter kept commenting that a "very smart lady"
was cleaning their teeth today. The father explained to me that his daughter kept going on about my intelligence until he finally asked her what she was basing her opinion on.
The little girl replied to her father, "I heard people in here call her the Dental High Genius."
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Sign outside a secondhand shop.
We exchange anything -- Bicycles, washing machines, etc.
Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?
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A friend of mine had never been fishing in her entire life, but she wasn't about to tell her new rich boyfriend that. "What? And look like an idiot?" she said to me.
After about an hour aboard his yacht, she turned to her new boyfriend and said, "Umm, those little red and white thingees?
How much do they cost? "He looked at her a little funny, shrugged, and said, "The float? I guess they're about a dollar. Why do you ask?"
"I owe you a dollar then. Mine just sank."
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After the government takes enough to balance the budget, the taxpayer has the job of budgeting the balance.
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A French guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper.
"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilette pepper!"
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Why does a Caesar salad go by that name?
Caesar Gardini of Tijuana, Mexico, is the man responsible
for the name of this famous salad. The salad itself was a spur-of-
the-moment concoction, invented by Gardini to serve an unexpected
influx of tourists one day in his restaurant, Caesar's Place.
Using ingredients on hand, Gardini served the tourists salads
consisting of romaine lettuce, grated cheese, croutons, and
anchovies with a dressing made from olive oil, lemon juice,
garlic, and coddled eggs. The invention was a success, and when
the salad was duplicated in other restaurants, it was called
Caesar's salad.
~source used: "Ever Wonder Why?"
by Douglas B. Smith
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The face of youth is a blank canvass. It is through the physical brushstrokes of aging that a masterpiece is created.
Be slow in choosing a friend, slower in changing. ~Benjamin Franklin A man exercises by sucking his stomach in every time he sees a beautiful woman.
"God grades on the cross, not the curve."
~Pastor Tim
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Fidel Castro
Our hookers don't do it out of obligation, of necessity. Here, prostitution doesn't occur for that reason, but because, somehow they like it.
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In the mood for joking, a vacationer strolled over to a farmer working in a field and asked, "Did you happen to see a wagonload of monkeys go by?"
"Nope," replied the farmer. "Did you fall off?"
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To pass the time while our plane was being de-iced, the flight attendants played a trivia game with the passengers. They asked us to guess the total number of years the three of them had worked for the airlines.
After an attendant collected our estimates, we heard the announcement:
"The correct answer is 26 years. For the two people who came closest with 28 years, we have prizes. And for the passenger in seat 12F who guessed 85 years, would you please step off the plane once we are airborne?"
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At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret."
"I don't know about that," answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one."
"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.
"I hardly think so!" responded the lady.
"When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."
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We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid. - Benjamin Franklin
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The young lady said to Grandpa, "I noticed that when you sneeze, you've learned to put your hand in front of your mouth."
"Of course," explained Grandpa. "How else can I catch my teeth???"
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My three-year old daughter was talking to me while I shaved. The topic was cartoons, television and reality.
She was going into great detail about the characters in the Dragon Tales cartoon.
When she finished I said, "Honey, are cartoons real?"
"No." was her brief reply.
"Is TV real?" I said looking at her.
"No."
"I'm glad you know those things aren't real," I said patting her head.
"You know what's real?" she asked wide-eyed.
"You tell me."
"Monsters are real!" she said walking out.
"No they're not!" I called after her.
"Yes they are!"
"No they're not!"
"Yes they are!"
"No, honey," I said. "Those scary things that occasionally come into our house are only Mommy's family..."
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A little boy asked his mother why the minister got a month's vacation while his Dad only got two weeks. The Mother answered, "Well, son, if he's a good minister, he needs it. If he isn't, the congregation needs it."
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A heavy snowstorm closed the schools in one town. When the children returned to school a few days later, one grade school teacher asked her students whether they had used the time away from school constructively. "I sure did, teacher," one little girl replied. "I just prayed for more snow."
(Little girls sure are smart aren't they?) CR
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A very dignified pastor was visiting a lady in a nursing home who was confined to a wheel chair. As he stood to leave, the lady asked him to have a word of prayer. He gently took her hand and prayed that God would be with her to bring her comfort, strength and healing. When he finished praying her face began to glow.
She said softly, "Pastor, would you help me to my feet?" Not knowing what else to do, he helped her up.
At first, she took a few uncertain steps. Then she began to jump up and down, then to dance and shout and cry with happiness until the whole nursing home was aroused.
After she was quieted, the solemn pastor hurried out to his car, closed the door, grabbed hold of the steering wheel and prayed a little prayer, "Lord, don't you ever do that to me again!"
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This is a real LETTER TO THE EDITOR from a recent issue of the NEW SCIENTIST magazine:
"NEW SCIENTIST readers are concerned about their email boxes being bombarded with spam, and the need for more and better filters. However, they seem to have overlooked the benefits to be gained from all these spam messages.
For instance, I have been accepting all offers made to me by email since the beginning of this year, and my penis is now 43 meters long."
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ....and the Computer
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