REMINDERS:

Independence Day - Mon, Jul 04 - 5 days
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JOKES:
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A doting father used to sing his little children to sleep until he overheard the four-year-old tell the three year old, "If you pretend you're asleep, he stops."
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First you forget names, then you forget faces.
Next you forget to pull your zipper up. And finally, you forget to pull it down.

- George Burns
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A seasoned professor was counseling a new teacher. "You will discover," he said, "That in nearly every class there will be a student eager to argue. Your first impulse will be to silence him, but think carefully before you do so, he is the only one listening to you."
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Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.

- Socrates
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A wife, who was fed up with her husband's inability to do even the simplest domestic chore, said, "Mary taught her husband Bob to cook, clean and do laundry. If anything happens to her he will be fine. What will you do without me? "I will move in with Bob," he replied.
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I anticipated no problems when my daughter had her first dental checkup. My husband and son waited in the reception room while I escorted Helen into the dentist's office. We had to coax her into the chair, and when the dentist came, she refused to open her mouth. It took 15 minutes of cajoling, warning, demanding and pleading, and lots of tears, before the dentist was able to get a look.

Finally settled in the car on our way home, Helen turned to her brother and declared, "He didn't pull out my teeth like you said he would!"
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My grandmother's ninety. She's dating. He's ninety-three. They're very happy; they never argue. They can't hear each other.
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Doesn't it bother you when people litter? Their most creative rationale for throwing an apple core out the window is "It will plant seeds for other trees to grow." And of course our highways are lined with apple trees, right next to the cigarette bush.
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Don't Go To Sleep...


Don't go to sleep angry at someone you love.
Because tomorrow you may not wake up to say you're sorry.
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A friend and his wife were considering traveling to Alaska --a trip that the husband had long dreamed of taking. He kept talking about how great it would be to stay in a log cabin without electricity, to hunt moose, and drive a dog team instead of a car.

"If we decided to live there permanently, away from civilization, what would you miss the most?" he asked his wife.

She replied, "You."
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Hugh Hefner now has seven girlfriends. One for each day of the week. Someone needs to tell him that those are nurses.
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Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home. - Bill Cosby
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In conversation keep in mind you're more interested in what you have to say than anyone else is.
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There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
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Poor Bush. He can't tell his daughters that if they waste their college years in drinking and partying they'll never amount to anything.
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An old maid was complaining to the police about an obscene phone call.

"And for an hour and a half, that terrible man was saying the filthiest things he wanted to do to me... "
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I watched an ant climb a blade of grass this morning. When he reached the top, his weight bent the blade down to the ground. Then, twisting his thorax with insectlike precision, he grabbed a hold of the next blade.

In this manner, he traveled across the lawn, covering as much distance vertically as he did horizontally, which both amused and delighted me.

And then, all at once, I had what is sometimes called an "epiphany"; a moment of heightened awareness in which every- thing becomes crystal clear.

Yes, hunched over that ant on my hands and knees, I suddenly knew what I had to do... Quit drinking before noon.
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Two women were paired together as partners in a club tournament and met on the putting green for the first time.

After introductions, the first golfer asked, "What's your handicap?"

"Oh, I'm a scratch golfer," the other replied.

"Really!" exclaimed the first woman suitably impressed that she was paired up with her.

"Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!"
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Connie told her 4-year-old grandson, Dean, not to jump on the beds. After several warnings she punished him, explaining that should he fall, he would hurt himself badly.

Several minutes passed... and he was back to jumping on the beds. Connie said, "Dean, you weren't jumping on the beds again, were you?"

He stood with his little head dropped low and said, "I'm trying, but it's so hard to quit."
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The Benefits of Growing Older ( and you thought there weren't any)

In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

No one expects you to run into a burning building.

Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

Things you buy now won't wear out.

You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

You can eat dinner at 4:00.

You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

You can live without sex, but not without your glasses.

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You got cable for the weather channel.

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

Your back goes out more than you do.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

~Unknown
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ...... and the Computer

 

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